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Category: Relationships During Pregnancy

Asked by Kfinzue

Q: When/how should I let people know they won't be around baby?

I'm 36 weeks today and have been putting alot of thought into what its going to be like after baby is born and who 'd like to come visit us in the hospital.  My fiances family and I dont get along to the point that my fiancé and I have decided that I and the baby will have little to no contact with them (MAYBE visiting on the holidays at the most).  the thing is is they dont know we have decided this.  They are so horrible to me but are excited for the baby.  To us its not acceptable to bring the baby around people that don't respect its parents, so even if they would treat the baby nicely the fact that they dont treat me or my fiance well makes us not want them to see baby.  But I'm wondering, how do I say people can visit us in the hospital, but not them?  

This question was asked Nov. 2, 2012 2:49pm
Category: Relationships During Pregnancy

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Answered by kCharleneS - Dec. 24, 2012 10:53am
I'd say let them visit in the hospital that way they're not at your home, but request a security guard be in there at all times that the family is there for your safety and the safety of baby and your husband. And if you have police records and proof of everything that they have done to you and your husband, then I can guarantee the judge will laugh in their face and would never allow the baby to have visitations with them unless there is a cop there at all times to supervise. I feel for you and your hubby and I am so sorry that you are going through this, but not telling them might make it worse and they may show up at your house and make things A LOT worse.

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Answered by Kfinzue - Nov. 5, 2012 8:59pm
If edecided I will be letting them visit, but am speaking to the nurses before hand, and will have them shooed out after so many minutes. That way they get to see baby, and I'm not out of my comfort zone. It seems like a nice medium to me.

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Answered by MammaBee81 - Nov. 4, 2012 7:29pm
Another quick point - hospital maternity wards are usually secure areas (double check with your hospital, I'm not sure if it's like that everywhere). Speak to the hospital ahead of time and you may be able to give them a list of people you are happy to have visit you, and a list of people who you absolutely will not receive (and make it clear you don't want to know if they do show).

Best wishes mate!

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Answered by Aprilgirl - Nov. 3, 2012 6:33am
When it comes to the actual birth, the solution is simple. Don't tell them you're in labor or that you're at the hospital. Don't tell them that you're there at all, even AFTER bub is born and everyone comes visiting such as your own family and friends.
They have no 'right' to be there, regardless of the fact that it's their grandchild being born. And you can instruct the midwives that they are not welcome to visit. If needed, the hospital will call the police to have them forcibly removed.

As for afterwards, well, they can't enter your house legally unless they're invited. It's entirely up to you what you do with that concept.

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Answered by Kfinzue - Nov. 3, 2012 2:47am
Looney thank you so much! Your post is well worded and I'm glad to hear from someone who's experienced the 'other end' of what I'm talking about!

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Answered by looney - Nov. 3, 2012 1:50am
I want to clarify, when I mean for real, forever - if you are thinking of the best interest of your child - you need to make this a true and real cut. You can't be half-in/ half-out with these folks. You need to sever the ties completely to create an environment that is emotionally stable for your child. S/he cannot grow up half in and half out with this people. That will be emotionally traumatizing.

When my parents cut out not just my grandma, but my father's entire side of the family, it was everyone, and it was permanent. That was almost 20 years ago. There was drama for the first month or two I remember, but once all the ties were officially, and completely severed... there was absolutely no communication after. I still have NO communication with anyone from that side, and that is fine with me. I TRUST my parents, and I RESPECT their choice to disconnect from that side. Your child will trust and respect your choice too. But it needs to be a complete and final cut.

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Answered by looney - Nov. 3, 2012 1:37am
I can't believe anyone thinks it's their business to tell you the grandparents have any rights - or should have rights. You are the parent, you get to decide who is involved with your children, REGARDLESS of the reason, regardless of blood.

And by the way, the courts really have little jurisdiction or impact on grandparents rights, when both parents are living, together and in a relationship. I love it when members talk about stuff they have NO experience with. Cracks me the hell up :) You are fine KFinzue.

As far as bringing it up, I wouldn't. I wouldn't make an extra effort to forewarn them or tell them ahead of time. When they ask to come visit, say no, not a good time, or tell them then you have decided that you don't want a relationship. But you need to make it a mature, real thing, forever. It cannot be wishy-washy. My parents cut my grandmother out of my life at 7, she was a bitch, that's all. I'm not mad at them, and I'm not scarred. Their choice! I lived.

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Answered by a member - Nov. 2, 2012 11:38pm
i think your husband should consider cutting ties for the safety of his wife and child. should have been done long ago.

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Answered by ginabee - Nov. 2, 2012 11:18pm
It sounds to me like you have very solid reasons for not wanting them involved. If your fiance is in agreement with you on how things need to be, then I think it's important that he address the issues and keep you as far away from being involved as possible. The last thing you need right now is any added drama or stress. You can't really just hide it from them, but he needs to draw the line and tell them there are consequences for their behavior and that because of how they treat you, they will not be allowed around the baby.

I sympathize. While my situation is not nearly as hostile or even dangerous, my husband's mom is not stable enough to be around our child (especially alone), and his Aunt is extremely rude to me and makes a point to annoy me on purpose because I don't put up with her childish behavior like everyone else does. My DH and I don't want her to come to the hospital because of her behavior, but she'll hold a grudge. I feel your pain. Do what's best for you and baby.

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Answered by Kfinzue - Nov. 2, 2012 9:42pm
Figured I'd put that on here, considering so many people responding to this seem to think I'm doing this for my own selfish reasons.
They are dangerous people, I'm using my judgment as a MOTHER to determine they are not safe. People don't seem to to understand I have a reason to say what I'm saying. I'm not doing this to be mean or sneaky. I'm doing this to protect my child.

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