Questions & Answers

I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my twin boys at 19 weeks this past May and it was the worst experience of my life. Honestly, the best thing I did for myself was to get into grief counseling. My counselor is amazing, very kind and patient, and has helped me work through my losses.

Before counseling, I used to do things I loved to calm me when I would get in the throws of grief. I read a lot, took a lot of baths, looked at my twin's photos, sang... I would focus on my living son, playing and reading with him.

I lost my twins at 18 weeks and it is devastating. The whole thing from finding out you lost them, to the D & E, to the recovery and not having a baby. I was angry, hurt, you name it and I hated all pregnant woman. I went through a very angry phase and didn't understand why it happened to me.

After waiting 3 cycles, it took us 4 months to conceive my son. I was a nervous wreck the whole pregnancy because of my loss. I will say that time does heal, and that is about the only thing that you can really do. My husband and I are really close and our loss brought us closer. I didn't feel that therapy could help me, but some find it helpful. Prior to losing my twins, I lost my brother and dad within a year of each other, so I am no stranger to grief and loss. I now have two beautiful babies, ages 2 and 10 months. I have to tell myself that everything with the loss of my twins happened for a reason...good luck to you.

My friend has two perspective to add (I called her): 1) She thinks of that baby's purpose as being to teach her a life lesson about loss without her having to have lost her husband or toddler son. 2) She named her baby and now her and her family and friends see that name about and take pictures and send them a "Hello from Tate". It's her way of remembering, smiling, and honoring his memory.

Our babies will always live in our hearts and will forever be remembered and cherished.

A loss at any stage is terrible, but I do think it's harder on Mom the further along the pregnancy is. I had a 15 week loss about two years ago, structural abnormality. I have a very good friend that had a cord accident two day after her due date. Every loss is hard. Both my friend and I found that talking about our loss with others really helped to center us. So many women are ashamed or scared to talk about their loss. I've found that sharing my story with others has helped me heal in just knowing that more people think about that baby than just myself. But I've also found that many of my friends have also had angel babies and just knowing that I'm not alone has been a great comfort.

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I am terribly sorry for your loss. My heart goes out to you.

I wanted to speak to a cousin of mine before I posted as she suffered a loss in the third and I know she had mentioned a support group that helped her greatly.
She said she preferred the online support as she didn't feel like she had to 'face' people like the groups her GP had suggested, she could be herself, grieve and mend and of course make it through her next pregnancy without being alone during her breakdowns, dark moments and the anniversary.
I thought it might be of some help to you also but that doesn't mean you cannot lean on us ladies here as you bravely start the journey again.

www.dailystrength.org

Much love hunni and wishing you all the best, stay strong x

I was in a similar situation two years ago. A genetic condition prevented my baby's brain from forming and we terminated at 18 weeks. Going through the loss and being told it could very well happen again was very difficult. Although it was most probably a faulty gene, I too blamed myself, and to this day I still wonder if maybe it really was something I did (maybe I let a fever run too high? or did I not hydrate properly during that half-marathon I ran?). I also felt alone because no one around me had ever suffered a loss, not even an early miscarriage, and I felt like no one could understand.
But it gets better. We had a baby boy last year and I feel like that forced me to focus on something else. I still think of the little girl I lost, how old she'd be today and all that, but if we had had her, we would not have had our son (he was conceived the month I was supposed to give birth).

I think coping with the loss and celebrating the new pregnancy can be 2 different things.

A close friend of mine lost her son at 18 weeks due to a chromosomal issue. She has used meditation and therapy to help her recover. Her and her husband also celebrate their lost LO - things like baking a cake on his birthday, releasing a balloon at a ceremony, and visiting where he is buried. Another friend of mine lost her son at 23 weeks. They found it very helpful taking part in grief and loss groups - discussing their loss with other couples who were going through the same thing. This friend is now expecting again and tries to focus on the positive in each day - today she is pregnant, today she knows her baby is doing fine.

For you, I would try to take some comfort in the fact that cord accidents are very rare and are, well, accidents. There was nothing that you did or could have done that would have changed the outcome. Chances are that this pregnancy will go differently. Good luck. :)

I am so sorry for the loss of your baby girl. I think the most important thing you can do is to allow yourself to grieve. Getting some counseling and professional support might help as well. Even knowing there was nothing you could do isn't enough sometimes - and most others probably won't understand what you are going through or will say unhelpful things. Just remember there is no right or wrong way to handle this and that it will take time to move on from it. I think like a lot of losses - the loss will never go away but it does get easier to handle day by day - never better - but easier.