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Asked by Nunchuk

Q: MIL not respecting our decisions pt 2 (different situation from other question)

My mil was originally going to throw the shower, but made me feel uncomfortable with many decisions she made. I spoke up against one decision finally and politely declined the decision and explained it made me feel uncomfortable and she blew up on me and backed out of the shower.
Our son's godmother decided to throw it instead.
I have anxiety, especially around new people. She originally was going to invite a bunch of people we had never met. Now the godmother is throwing the shower, the guest list is out of her control. However, she is giving the family list of addresses to the godmother but Is telling us she is still inviting the same people we never met before just because she doesn't want to hear the end of it if she doesn't invite them, and she wants them there because they give good gifts all the time, which makes me really feel horrible.
She won't respect our feelings on the matter and my husband has told her no several times now.
How would you suggest we handle this?

This question was asked Feb. 26, 2015 3:12am
Category: Baby Showers

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Answers (10)

Answered by Korenelm - Apr. 28, 2016 6:50pm

Its been a while and just wanted to see how your and the baby are doing?

Hope everything worked out best for you!!!

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Answered by eat2nourish - Mar. 4, 2015 10:58pm

You poor thing. Maybe have the godmother host it on a different day and time than currently scheduled & don't tell the MIL when it is. My sister ended up having 2 showers b/c my mom wanted to control the guest list. For the shower at my sister's house, she only invited who she wanted (plus my mom).

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Answered by stickybean1976 - Feb. 26, 2015 8:32pm

If she's gonna continue in this manner don't tell her when or where it is and have it the way you want. You may fall out a bit over it, but at least she'll be so pissed off she'll back off. What other choice is she leaving you. It's your day to enjoy not hers and she should be making it so you enjoy it. Rotten MIL. Good luck sweet x

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Answered by Nunchuk - Feb. 26, 2015 6:44pm

I don't even know if the godmother is aware of the list she has. I may see if she will have a word with my mil, since the godmother is the one in charge of the whole shower. It was originally called off by my mil because I disagreed with something that made me uncomfortable (it wasn't a huge deal, but it mattered more that I finally spoke up about something) and she refused to speak to me for a whole month after, to the point of even making things inconvenient for my husband. She does mean well many times, but it's how she approaches and reacts to things that make drama. She's even had opinions about episiotomies (saying I will want to have one because back in the day it used to be routine, but it's now not common)

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Answered by Quartz3 - Feb. 26, 2015 5:39pm

Wow. It's making me angry just reading about it! lol I can't imagine how you're feeling!

I honestly think there isn't a way of dealing with this without creating drama. Except if you go along with her plan, which isn't in your best interest and it's your HEALTH that's at stake.

The only solutions I see are drastic - like canceling the shower altogether (possibly organizing your own smaller celebration with just a few people and not her!) or just not showing up (which would be unfair to your godmother and the guests). I wouldn't blame you for not wanting to use them!

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Answered by Nunchuk - Feb. 26, 2015 3:44pm

I don't even know the contact information of the people she is trying to invite. My husband is thinking of combing through the list for the godmother, but it puts us into a bad spot again if he does that.

I've been having stress related vasovagal attacks due to workplace situations and she's insisting that I work until my last month! I'm just hanging on now until I can go off on maternity leave at the earliest point possible. I don't think the anxiety reasoning will change her mind.

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Answered by Quartz3 - Feb. 26, 2015 1:31pm

God this sucks. I'm sorry you have to bear that while pregnant. Have you tried insisting that the anxiety that it will cause you would harm the baby? It wouldn't, but if you really make it seem like it would be bad, bad, bad for the baby, maybe she'll listen? Or could you maybe personally contact the people you don't know to let them know that unfortunately due to anxiety issues it would be best if they did not come? Maybe they'll be more respectful than you MIL...

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Answered by Gymnast36 - Feb. 26, 2015 9:09am

I'm so sorry she's being so childish. You can't choose your family unfortunately.

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Answered by Nunchuk - Feb. 26, 2015 6:49am

Unfortunately he doesn't get much say as she is extremely stubborn and it's her way or no way.
My husband has told her to her face that he does not want people we don't know at the shower, especially since she's not the one hosting it--the godmother is, who also happens to be my counselor who knows how I am with social situations and my mental health.

She's acting like this is her child. And she is getting really annoying with the gender separation stuff. Like it HAS to be boy stuff, even the equipment. Like heaven forbid our son plays with a pink toy or wears pink lol my husband and I don't care. Pink is just a colour. Has nothing to do with being a boy or girl to us. We're in a tight situation at the time and she will turn down options if it's pink or girly. I don't think our son would care if he bathes in a pink bath or what not lol

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Answered by Gymnast36 - Feb. 26, 2015 6:19am

Once again tough love. Tell her that it's not about her and if she can't accept that then she isn't invited. Is your father in law a bit more level headed? maybe you could have hubby talk to him and he can talk to his wife for you?

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