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First Pregnancy for you but not your Partner?

Category: General - Pregnancy Buddies/Groups
Posted by Shannybum » Jun. 22, 2011 4:28pm

Hi Ladies, I'm feeling kind of blue today.

This is my first pregnancy. My husband has 2 sons from his first wife, they are 5 and 10.

He just doesn't seem very "into" my pregnancy. He still hasn't even met our midwife, I'm 18w5d today, we have an appointment today and he's fixing to bail.

I read stories on here and elsewhere about husbands who talk to their baby mama's tummies, treat her like gold just cause she's pregnant....my husband soo isn't like that. I don't know if it's just his personality, or the fact that this is old hat to him, but it makes me sad.

Is anyone else in the same boat?

Posts: 519

Replies (14)

Reply by TangleBirdie » Jun. 23, 2011 2:19am

Hey there

I would feel crappy too!!

My partner dosent have an ex wife or other children but like your partner doesnt really seem into it!~

Ive been sick as a dog for past 2 days, he thinks I am making it up and blaming it on the baby. I got sooo upset last night I couldnt belive what he was saying. Its like he honestly thinks that my vomiting and nausea is me wanting to blame things on the baby. And when I say öhh i feel terrible"he goes "why, stop blaming the baby for all your problems"...

I could slap him....
Sorry Vent over!!

Posts: 132

Reply by BusyMum » Jun. 23, 2011 4:19am

Hi, there
My husband and i feel very different about this pregnancy as well. Its our second and we know what we are in for. For me I'm excited, for him abosolutly not looking forward to the first year.
Its hard work, i'm guessing that your husbands in the same boat, give him time to adjust, he'll love you for it.

BTW, hubby hates the midwife appointment he only goes to one near the end to meet her before the D-Day, I understand its like going to the doctor (no body likes it), so don't be worried. Its just the way some Dads are.
When the baby's out, you'll see the change!

Give him space, and cheer up for some guys the reality kicks in when the baby is in their arms, the pregnancy is only the very small bleep for things to come.

And for yourself quitely enjoy every minute

Posts: 16

Reply by Shannybum » Jun. 23, 2011 3:43pm

Thanks girls. I guess all men are different. My husband wasn't a "doter" before I got pregnant so I can't expect him to change just cause I am pregnant.

He did come to the midwife appt. after all but very begrudgingly. I think you're right, Busymom, he's done the newborn thing and knows how hard it's going to be and I'm blissfully unaware! :)

Posts: 519

Reply by notthereyet » Jul. 8, 2011 7:33pm

I know Im a little late but I had the exact same problem when I had my daughter. Her dad had already had a baby before and had been threw it all and she was my first. He was really bad tho, to the point where I couldnt enjoy is because he wouldnt be like oh that happens to everyone, or my first babys mother did this this and this! I was heartbroken hearing it all the time. I know exactly how u feel. :( My best advice would be to try and talk to him about it, all the little things u just wanna vent, do it on here and find a way to enjoy the pregnancy yourself! He also never came to the appointments and actually sat threw my labour telling me to hurry up cuz baby #1s mom didnt take as long as I did. Honestly we are no longer together as u can tell he was some kinda a$$. I also found that my best friend helped to much. If you can find someone else to attend the appointments and maybe help pick things out, it may be a little easier on u that hubby doesnt want to do it.

Good luck!

Posts: 2

Reply by Shannybum » Jul. 8, 2011 7:49pm

Notthereyet: Wow, thanks for your post. My DH isn't quite that bad - he's not negative, and doesn't compare me to his first wife, thank goodness. It's more just a non-interest, he doesn't seem excited. He even missed my 20w ultrasound!!!! I was soo upset. I have talked to him about it a bit, he says for a man, the whole pregnancy and even baby thing isn't excited to a man, he didn't really feel like a real dad until his boys turned about 1 year old, when he could be interactive with them. He says until then it's all about the mother. Which I understand. Mostly I just am feeling like I should be a bit more spoiled! He's not helping out around the house, not rubbing my back or feet, not running out buying what i'm craving, blah blah blah.

Posts: 519

Reply by notthereyet » Jul. 8, 2011 8:03pm

I figured it wasnt as bad but sometimes i know i feel a little better when i know its not as bad as it could be.... do u have any close family or friends that could help and be there? I was only 19 when i was pregnant with my daughter (her dad 26 at the time) so my mom was there for everything, and she bought me that stuff and spoiled me rotten. I know its really hard especially when its your first. I remember I had a really hard time cuz one of my friends was pregnant and we were 2 weeks apart and her babys father was the exact opposite of mine and was talking to the belly, buying everything for baby, taking belly pics, telling everyone about whats going on in her pregnancy. Its hard when its not you. Just keep your eye on the prize and know that you are doing something amazing...and when u feel the need to try spoiling urself (rest, prenatal message, spa day) the house work can wait another day :P

Posts: 2

Reply by Shannybum » Jul. 14, 2011 6:14pm

Tangledbirdie and BusyMom - how are you guys doing - and how are your husbands lately? Nothing's changed on my end.

Posts: 519

Reply by BeesKnees » Aug. 3, 2011 2:18pm

My fiance has a child from a "fling" he had in his wild, macho days so he was not really invited to be involved with that woman and her pregnancy but he does have joint custody and is an active and attentive father. He seems really excited about our future baby and has been interested about my pregnancy and I am lucky for that.

My worry is what will happen once the baby arrives. Because he didn't have any choices with his 1st child (names, religion, etc.) he is a bit opinionated about this one. He hates every name I love and chosen years ago. He wants the child to be brought up Catholic (mostly just to please his mother) while I am a Unitarian Universalist and, no offense, I am not a fan of the Catholic church at all. He also is insistent on knowing the baby's gender while I would love a surprise.

Then, to boot, he is kind of a micro-manager with some things like doing dishes. I can already hear him saying, "my mom says you should do this" or "this is what my sister does with her kids"

I want so badly for this to be a team effort but just a little part of me says that this is my first child and he should be just a little less opinionated of my excitement and my dreams. I waited a long time for this and to do it right. Part of me wishes he would focus more of attention of the upbringing of his 4 year old who has pretty bad behavioral problems from inconsistent discipline and being bounced between two homes since birth. It's not that I don't want him to be an active or attentive parent, just more open and trusting of my judgement and baby's upbringing...and we have not even had the baby yet!!!

Posts: 2

Reply by Dreaming~Bermudian » Aug. 3, 2011 6:59pm

Hello ladies,

Well my BOYFRIEND has 3 girls 8, 12 and 15 from a previous marriage and he lives in a different country so don't feel blue!! I am in Bermuda and he is in Canada but I am optimistic that we will be together in the semi-near future!??

All you can do is live in the moment and try to be your best. I know it is sometimes hard to be positive when they lack interest but don't let that get you down.

Try to be honest with yourself and keep communication open! Also remember your mood may be up and down and all over the place.

Communication is my biggest problem and the distance makes that super hard but try to live in the moment and remember that even if he isn't there to support you during your visits, you aren't alone! :)


Posts: 14

Reply by Briansgirl » Aug. 3, 2011 7:22pm

Hi ladies I have a similar problem, its my 2nd, but db's 1st. I thought I was done after my first and although my bf loves my son he wanted his own, so I caved and let myself get excited. We got pg and he was excited, but I mc'd. We are pg again and it doesnt seem to mean much to him this time. I understand it was heartbreaking last time when we let ourselves get excited just to lose the baby, but I feel like im doing it alone this time. He doesnt ask about anything or have anything to say when I share my thoughts and concerns with him. Ugh! Thank god for this site and you ladies!

Posts: 44

Reply by nicolery » Aug. 9, 2011 12:54am

I know how that feels...this is my 1st and his 3rd...we planned the pregnancy but now it seems like I am doing it alone. We broke up so I am dealing with that now. Just praying for a healthy baby...

Posts: 15

Reply by Briansgirl » Aug. 9, 2011 4:41pm

Best of luck and all the happiness in the world 2 u nicole! I left my sons dad when I was 12wks pg, he's only gotten worse and I've only gotten better! He never even phnd his son on his b-day, yesterday! Good riddance to that type, its easier to do it alone!

Posts: 44

Reply by Shannybum » Aug. 9, 2011 5:14pm

It's nice to know I'm not alone - even though some of you girls have it much worse than I do! Makes me feel bad for complaining!

Posts: 519

Reply by Fleur_De_Lis » Mar. 22, 2012 9:24pm

This Is my first pregnancy. He has 3 from a Previous Relationship.

He Kinda Just Accepted the fact I was pregnant and Doesn't think some things are such a big deal. I guess I am a tad over excited BUT HEY can you blame me? lol

So I decided That since I'm Making all the moves and Also Making all the decisions I am going to name the baby whatever I want. Isn't that nice? lol

I also Have linked up With a pregnancy group out here and Made some Friends. His Family will be my shopping Buddies lol His Mom and His Sister are prepared to shop till we all drop.

I'll Let him have his man time now, But When It comes to handling his business I will tighten up.

For Now, This is my time to enjoy such a Bonding experience with our growing baby

Posts: 5