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Joined Nov. 18, 2013 8:12pm

Cattsmeow's Pregnancy

My Due Date: November 24, 2015
I have given birth!
Age: 37 years old

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One month old
By Cattsmeow » Posted Dec. 17, 2015 12:14pm - 434 views - 3 comments

Valerie is one month old today. Already. Time is moving so fast, yet seems to be at a stand still. Oi. She has slept great the past 2 nights. She only woke up 3 times to for a bottle and went right back to sleep. She is very gassy almost all the time now. We've started burping her after every 1/2 ounce of formula now, and giving her gas drops but it doesn't seem to be helping. I'm going to try gripe water this evening. I just have to go get some and hubby has the van. Her hair is starting to turn red, and her eyes are not nearly as creeping looking as they were. They are really starting to turn bright blue and it's so pretty. I am down below my prepregnancy weight now. I'm almost down to the weight I was for my wedding, which is awesome. I've only got 20 more lbs to drop before I get to my goal weight!

As for my depression, I am having good days, alright days, bad days, and days I just want to spend in bed with the blankets over my head to shut everything out. In some aspects, it's getting a little easier to deal with. In others, it is getting a lot harder to handle. I'm still struggling with my temper. The slightest things make me so angry. I go from being happy/ok to being pissed off to crying in almost no time at all. I still hate myself at times. I still feel little to no connection with Valerie a huge majority of the time. I look at her and I logically know that she is my daughter and that I love her dearly. But I do not feel it. Iwas like this with my oldest son. I knew I loved him. I knew he ws mine. I just didn't feel it until he was 2 years old. I remember looking at him one day and it just clicked. I'm waiting for that click with Valerie. I will hold her and just stare at her, hoping to find something to make that happen, but it hasn't. I know it's the depression making me feel that way, but it still is one of the worst feelings in the world, to not feel anything towards your child even though you KNOW you love them. This is definitely the worst part of my ppd. I have no thoughts of harming myself or my children. I don't feel any violent tendencies towards them and I am able to walk away for a few minutes until I get my temper under control when it flares up. (Although I envisioned throwing a skillet at my husband's head, but he was being a jerk at the time. I did not partake in any skillet throwing.) My husband keeps telling me I had the click with Valerie and I just didn't recognize it. I keep telling him he's a jerk because that makes me feel worse.

And before someone jumps on me, telling me I should go see my doctor, blah blah blah...I have spoken to my doctor about it. I just can't get in until my 6 week pp check on the 28th bc they are all booked. I can't even be squeezed in bc of the holidays. They tried. I am on the cancellation list, though. I can't even get into a GP doctor until after new years. My doc told me to keep talking it out, and if I do start thinking about harming myself or my kids to go to the ER.

Urgh. It's all just so frustrating and disheartening because this is not me....at all. I have anxiety attacks about staying at home all the time, but I get even worse attacks when it comes to actually leaving. We went to Kentucky Saturday and again on Monday, and the entire time I was shaking and freaking out in my head. When we got home, it made me sick to my stomach. I can't even pluck up the guts to go up to the gas station or WalMart and usually end up sending my husband. He'll make me go sometimes, saying I need to get out. Sometimes it goes ok, others not so much. Sometimes I am in tears by the time I get home, amd others I am a bit happier. =/ I dunno.

Anyways, I think I've rambled on enough. My 16 month old fell asleep in my bed while watching V nap in her crib, so I'm going to snuggle up with him and take a nap too.


Comments for this Journal Entry

Comment from pbc910 » Posted Dec. 18, 2015 11:04am
I know so much of what you are feeling. I don't feel like I have PPD but I do know I am very anxious all the time. It sucks so bad. I just keep telling myself "it gets better, it gets better." I am having a rough time with DH because my stress is stressing him and then he just shuts down. Ugh. We can do it! We can make it through these rough times!

Comment from stephc2010 » Posted Dec. 17, 2015 11:28pm
I can't believe Valerie is already a month old! I'm sorry you're struggling with PPD. I'm hoping you have more good days than bad, and that you and your doctor can find something to help you with this at your checkup. Keep fighting! You will get through this :)

Comment from Overthinker » Posted Dec. 17, 2015 3:26pm
Oh my gosh do I understand you. This was me with my daughter. PPD lasted for a year, and it was brutal. I just had twins 4 months ago, and demanded they start me on antidepressants immediately. I also asked for a different prescription. So far, I am doing well, no PPD. I still sometimes have that missing connection with my daughter and blame the rough start of PPD. Hang in there. I'm thinking of you.


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