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Eluria88's Pregnancy
My Due Date: September 1, 2014I have given birth!
Age: 35 years old
Location: Portland, United States
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When can I be excited?
By Eluria88 » Posted Jan. 16, 2014 11:23am - 387 views - 2 comments
I have many friends who have just had new babies or are hitting the 20wk mark of their pregnancies, and the only thing I can think is that I should be due in March. I should have a huge round baby bump and be picking out names and decorating a nursery. I lost my baby at the 12 week mark, had a missed miscarriage around 6w 3d and chose to m/c naturally. It took 2 more weeks to lose the baby and I cried every night for a month. I was shocked to find I was pregnant again a few days after Christmas.
That original joy I had felt before wasn't there. It still isn't. I want to be happy and excited, I want to plan things, decorate the room, buy some cute Seahawks outfits for baby, but I can't. Last time around I had made a shirt for my youngest son that said "I'm gonna be a big brother in March 2014!" and I cant bring myself to throw it away, I cry when I see it so I have to hide it from myself.
This baby means so much to me I can't bear the thought of losing it but I also can't come to terms with the possibility everything will be okay. I am stuck in a rut thinking it's too good to be true, something is going to go wrong, it's already dead. This cannot be good for my baby at all but I can't seem to find anything to calm my nerves. I've been journaling on the TTC page because I can't even let myself think this pregnancy is healthy. I want it to be so bad, but I also don't want to get my hopes up. My TTC account journal is here: http://www.countdowntopregnancy.com/homepage/my-journal.php?u=154101
I have am ultrasound tomorrow and should be nearing the end of 7w based on my menstrual cycle (which was unreliable after the m/c). Tomorrow I should see a heartbeat. If there is no heartbeat I will have had another missed m/c. There would be no reason at all to not see one at this point, and I think that's what scares me. It's a big day, a big yes or no. Dead or alive. I'm bringing a friend with me tomorrow so I'm not alone this time but she's 18wks and I don't know if it will help having a pregnant woman with me when I find out I've been hauling around a dead embryo for x-amount of weeks.
I want to be positive and it hurts me to not feel excited about this baby. Tomorrow will be a very happy or a very devastating day for me and I know I need to pack tissue either way.
On the plus side my symptoms have stepped up a bit. Experiencing mild nausea occasionally throughout the day and my tiny boobs have swelled a little (I'm a B cup now!!), i've also started crying about really random things in movies or on TV (usually happy moments but also the last episode of Dexter made me cry for 10 minutes).
I just want everything to be okay and I want the happy planning and expecting stage to kick in, so I can share the news with family and be happy! I don't want all this negative energy surrounding my baby at all. On Friday if I see a HB my friend and I are going to make a few cloth diapers. I want to be sitting at a sewing machine tomorrow evening not crying myself to sleep.
My Journal
When can I be excited?
By Eluria88 » Posted Jan. 16, 2014 11:23am - 387 views - 2 comments
I have many friends who have just had new babies or are hitting the 20wk mark of their pregnancies, and the only thing I can think is that I should be due in March. I should have a huge round baby bump and be picking out names and decorating a nursery. I lost my baby at the 12 week mark, had a missed miscarriage around 6w 3d and chose to m/c naturally. It took 2 more weeks to lose the baby and I cried every night for a month. I was shocked to find I was pregnant again a few days after Christmas.
That original joy I had felt before wasn't there. It still isn't. I want to be happy and excited, I want to plan things, decorate the room, buy some cute Seahawks outfits for baby, but I can't. Last time around I had made a shirt for my youngest son that said "I'm gonna be a big brother in March 2014!" and I cant bring myself to throw it away, I cry when I see it so I have to hide it from myself.
This baby means so much to me I can't bear the thought of losing it but I also can't come to terms with the possibility everything will be okay. I am stuck in a rut thinking it's too good to be true, something is going to go wrong, it's already dead. This cannot be good for my baby at all but I can't seem to find anything to calm my nerves. I've been journaling on the TTC page because I can't even let myself think this pregnancy is healthy. I want it to be so bad, but I also don't want to get my hopes up. My TTC account journal is here: http://www.countdowntopregnancy.com/homepage/my-journal.php?u=154101
I have am ultrasound tomorrow and should be nearing the end of 7w based on my menstrual cycle (which was unreliable after the m/c). Tomorrow I should see a heartbeat. If there is no heartbeat I will have had another missed m/c. There would be no reason at all to not see one at this point, and I think that's what scares me. It's a big day, a big yes or no. Dead or alive. I'm bringing a friend with me tomorrow so I'm not alone this time but she's 18wks and I don't know if it will help having a pregnant woman with me when I find out I've been hauling around a dead embryo for x-amount of weeks.
I want to be positive and it hurts me to not feel excited about this baby. Tomorrow will be a very happy or a very devastating day for me and I know I need to pack tissue either way.
On the plus side my symptoms have stepped up a bit. Experiencing mild nausea occasionally throughout the day and my tiny boobs have swelled a little (I'm a B cup now!!), i've also started crying about really random things in movies or on TV (usually happy moments but also the last episode of Dexter made me cry for 10 minutes).
I just want everything to be okay and I want the happy planning and expecting stage to kick in, so I can share the news with family and be happy! I don't want all this negative energy surrounding my baby at all. On Friday if I see a HB my friend and I are going to make a few cloth diapers. I want to be sitting at a sewing machine tomorrow evening not crying myself to sleep.
Comments for this Journal Entry
 | Comment from Mrs_HT » Posted Jan. 16, 2014 10:45pm I wanted to give you a little encouragement. I lost my baby without having any symptoms and miscarried naturally as well. I didn't find out I was pregnant again until almost six weeks later. I was five weeks and a wreck. Ihave been for every appointment thus far just awaiting thaw heartbeat. I relished symptom because that gave me hope. I just had another appointment today and my doctor told me that the chances of it happeningat this point is small. You will hear the heartbeat and it may take a while to register that you can do this. I'm praying for you and baby. |
 | Comment from Sunny33 » Posted Jan. 16, 2014 4:55pm I completely understand. I was due April 25th (my moms birthday) and I lost it at 14 weeks. We found out Christmas morning that we were expecting and I'm happiness a hard time feeling joy. Good luck!!! |
