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Category: Relationships During Pregnancy

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Q: Hubby and I fighting and now everything doesn't seem right. Please help!!

My husband was previously married and had a child who he was around for 3 days because his wife kicked him out. Him and I are expecting our first child. He hasn't seen his other child and is not close. He has said before he doesn't feel like a father because he is not around and is not allowed to act like a father the few times he has gone to visit his child that lives out of state. Since our due date is getting closer we have been talking and now all of a sudden he says that he loves his son and our daughter the same. When before he said he loves him but only because he is his son since there is no relationship. I am upset because he will be around our daughter more and get to experience everything with our daughter so wouldnt the love and the bond be stronger? He said it would be the same. I am really worried because I don't want my daughter to have to compete for her dad to love her. He always compares everything to that situation with us and my pregnancy and the baby. am i wrong?

This question was asked May. 20, 2012 1:08pm
Category: Relationships During Pregnancy

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Answered by danni179 - May. 21, 2012 10:59am
I think you should be happy about the situation, not angry. By you creating a child together you have made him realise how special a child is and in turn it has made him realise what he has been missing. If anything, your daughter will get more love than if he hadn't had this realisation. You can not stop him feeling love for his other child, thats a ridiculous statement. Instead, embrace his new outlook.

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Answered by a member - May. 21, 2012 12:08am
why would ANY woman want to be with a man who wants nothing to do with his existing children? in my mind, that's a HUGE red flag, irregardless of what his relationship was like with his ex.

i don't understand that.

however, what's done is done and the only thing you can do, if you choose to stay with him is to encourage HIM to be a responsible parent. if he chooses not to be, then that's on him 100%.

as far as comparing your pregnancy to his ex's - well, that's what he has to compare it with and probably can't help it as we do draw from our previous experiences. i wouldn't get offended at that. afterall, alot of us share the same pregnancy worries and complaints ... ex's aren't immune.

if your ? WAS asking for him to choose a favorite - yes, that's wrong. they are BOTH his children and he should have been doing better by the son all along.

if your ? was more about the same detachment from his son and now daughter - HUGE problem; is it worth being with him then?

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Answered by kaylia2oo5 - May. 20, 2012 11:35pm
And, as a side note, I completely believe the lady that commented before I made my last comment. I can completely understand where the original member's question was coming from, and that is why I commented. I never once said that any child should be shunned or neglected, every child deserves to be loved. My first daughters father left me when I was 3 months pregnant, and has never seen her. I know what it is like to be on both sides of the fence.

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Answered by kaylia2oo5 - May. 20, 2012 11:32pm
block you.

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Answered by kaylia2oo5 - May. 20, 2012 11:02pm
Again, "member" you're still keeping your identity to yourself, you're commenting and do not know the situation. IF you had read my comments, I have TRIED to get him into his daughters life and its always been a fight. I never once told him to walk away from his daughter, if anything I was the one that has been there for her more than him. I am the one who has bought her xmas gifts behind his back, I'M the one that has spent more time with her than him- and I AM the one who pays his child support, because if he was left to do it, it wouldn't be paid. I had originally asked my question because I didn't know what to do...I have never once said that I wanted him to leave her or forget about her- he does that on his own. Maybe if you knew the whole situation, you wouldn't be so judgmental. I have been there more for HIS child than he has- I do not think I should be criticized for that, thank you very much. Do me a favor and send me your screen name so I can find a way to b

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Answered by a member - May. 20, 2012 11:01pm
You women obviously blew her question waaaay out of proportion. The reason she is concerned (whether she realizes it or not) about him saying he loves them equally is because he had no problem not being in the life of his son. So if he loves his son the same, but doesn't want to be in his life, obviously she doesn't want to see something like that happen if they were to separate (or any similar situation). Also, when he comes out of nowhere, completely different from what he had previously said, with all this love for his son it's possible for her to misconstrue it, thinking that he considers his son easier to love. (Which is obviously not the case, but the deeper psychological issues had to be unearthed before that would even be apparent.) With that being said, I understand your fears, but the best solution is to encourage a relationship with his son. I don't agree with the way these girls reacted, but I agree that all children need and deserve love equally.

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Answered by momtobe1992 - May. 20, 2012 10:35pm
I'm in the same situation, I have a 2 year old step-son. But my hubby is very close to him, my hubby can't stand it if he doesn't see his son in a couple days. Since this is his second child, I worry about the same too, about fairness. We talked things through and ofcourse he said he will be fair to our child and his own child. I told him myself, when our child is born, he can't just leave his son behind. I understand that he has a son, and ofcourse he has rights over his child. Just hang in there, there will be times when you will start thinking about differences with your child and his child, but life has a lot of bumps a long the way...Good Luck.

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Answered by T0niMari3 - May. 20, 2012 10:06pm
The poor little guy didn't ask to be brought into this world, and he surely didn't ask his parents to separate nor for his daddy NOT to love him. I think it's tremendously brave of your dh to stand up, be a man and say that he does love his child and want a relationship. It's his son, his own flesh and blood. Too many guys out there, run away from there responsibilities.
I think you should be proud of your dh for standing up to his responsibility and definitely support him in any way possible. He is not going to love your baby any less, his heart will just grow bigger. Yes, he'll most likely have more of a bond with your baby- that bond that comes from sharing every moment of your child growing up.
I can understand that it's going to be difficult for you to change your opinion just from reading a few posts. But please do not be jealous of the love your dh has for his son. His love for his children, will make him a better person, husband and father to your baby.

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Answered by a member - May. 20, 2012 9:35pm
usually the support of through ALLLLLL of it makes that easier! Marriage is a 50/50. parenting is 100%. You be that extra for him so when hes feeling like it may be to hard...he knows with out a doubt! that you've got his back!

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Answered by a member - May. 20, 2012 9:33pm
kaylia- i did think that this was your question..so..sorry to the member for assuming that one little part. for the rest of what I said...it goes for you to kaylia. Nothing can justify this kind of action toward a child. PERIOD! It absolutely disgust me that there are more then one of you on here going through this. You guys definetly shouldn't be giving each other advice..and both of you..are in need of counseling.

As far as me keeping my identity to myself..so did 95% percent of the rest of us on this question. There is a reason for it..mostly because..on a normal basis..my name is never private with my answers because stupid question like this dont normally phase me. I typically dont answer to them. When I hear a child is being thrown under the bus...somebody needs to be an advocate for him/her. you guys are wrong..I dont care how many times the father gets the jitters and backs away from being a man. When he tries..good for him. hopefully her gets it next time.

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