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Category: Labour & Delivery

Asked by PaperHeart

Q: How much say?

How much say should the father have in who is allowed in the delivery room? This is our third and we've always been adamant about it just being the two of us in the delivery room, which was controversial with my mom when I had my first. Having had the experience twice, I know that my Dh isn't actually a great source of support as he goes into some weird trance and becomes quiet and useless. I labored overnight with our second and he slept until about 8 am when I finally asked him to wake up and sit with me :-/. He's typically good about being attentive when I'm sick, but just downright sucks during L&D. He's not my mom's greatest fan, however, though most of his gripes are more like grudges at this point. Anyway, my change of heart in having anyone else in the room is a total 180 from my past feelings, so it took him off guard, but he insists he'll stay home if she's there. I think he's being selfish since I'll be the one stuck in a hospital bed, but don't want to step on his toes.

This question was asked Sep. 25, 2015 4:14pm
Category: Labour & Delivery

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Answers (12)

Answered by PaperHeart - Sep. 28, 2015 3:13pm

Sorry, Verily, I didn't see your response. My mom is about 3 hours away, but will likely be there anyway. I didn't expect anyone to come until the morning when I went into labor with my dd because of the distance (my mother in law lives in the same town as my parents), but they all 3 came right away. My MIL nearly drove me crazy complaining about how long I was taking. Dad is a night owl and hard of hearing and was loud, which was obnoxious haha. Mom was there, but kept her distance until I asked her to come over by my bed. I wasn't allowed any pain meds until morning when an anesthesiologist would be there. That wasn't bad at all, actually, but between the noises my dad was making, my mil's complaints, the contractions, the machines, the excitement, the annoyances, etc, I just couldn't sleep. I wanted to wake my Dh, but thought maybe I should let him sleep so he'd be fit the next day as he'd be caring for our ds after the birth. I was on my own overnights after my dd was born.

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Answered by PaperHeart - Sep. 28, 2015 2:37pm

I don't actually know the rules for my hospital where I'll deliver, so I'd have to find out how many people they allow. It seems many where my friends have delivered have allowed three if it's an uncomplicated delivery, but those were different hospitals than where I'll be delivering.

He wouldn't actually stay home, but I agree that bluffing about it is selfish on his part. All that said, Saturday my 37 year old sister had a heart attack. Naturally, that wasn't at all expected by any of us. She happened to be traveling with a lot of folks including my parents. She's a little over two hours from home right now and, of course, my mom stayed with her. I went to see her yesterday and bring them some clothes and things as they hadn't prepared for being out for more than a few hours. Anyway, suffice it to say I may be eating crow with my suggestion that my mom would be a good addition to the delivery room. I love her dearly, but I was reminded of why we've always kept it just us.

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Answered by Verily - Sep. 28, 2015 2:32pm

Does your mom live close by where you could call her in IF he enters the "trance" or sleeps? I would discuss your concerns (It was difficult for me to keep laboring through the night while you slept) and see if he'll commit to being more present during your labor. If he will, let him know that you believe him and would also like to have your mom "on call" if labor gets too difficult/long for either of you.

Another option is to hire a birth doula. Sometimes you can get a doula in training for as little as $200. I know you said it would be hard for you to pass up your mom for a friend but it may be easier to get extra support if it is a trained professional instead of someone you both have emotional ties to.

Good luck. I hope you can come to a compromise that works for both of you.

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Answered by dakotagurrl - Sep. 27, 2015 2:30pm

Would he really stay home, or is he trying to guilt u into giving him his way? I'd call his bluff! If he's going to miss the birth of his child over petty grudges, u dont need him there anyways. He's being very selfish, imo, it's not about him and what he does or doesnt like/want/need...it's about u and baby. End of story...call his bluff. I'll bet he doesnt stay home!!
Good luck!

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Answered by tashagraham - Sep. 27, 2015 8:08am

Talk to your DH. Let him know how you feel and give him some ideas on how to be supportive during labor.

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Answered by tashagraham - Sep. 27, 2015 8:08am

Can you have more than one person there?

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Answered by mnor0406 - Sep. 26, 2015 9:54pm

My hubby was the same way. My water broke at 8:45pm and I labored all night (no epidural) while he slept the whole time. I ended up getting the epidural at 9 the next morning because I was still only 2cm and then labored another 9 hours ish. I wish he had been better but I really don't know what he could have done for me. Next time I may hire a doula to help me through it because I would have liked to have gone pain med free but I felt like I was pretty much doing it all on my own. Would have been nice to have a more supportive person, especially a woman who knew some tricks or techniques to possibly help. My mom had 2 c-sections, so not much help. Your mom may be a good idea to have since she at least knows what it feels like and your hubby can't even imagine it I'm sure. I would try to talk to him again and see if he can put his differences with your mom aside for one day so you can get the support you need.

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Answered by burningfirestar - Sep. 26, 2015 5:34pm

Talk with your hubby again. Explain why you want your mom and him there. I'm all about what will make mom most comfortable and least stress as a birth doula. I'm also huge in communicating your reasons behind your thoughts, and your hubby needs to talk about his. I'd say look into a doula rather then your mom if that would make him more comfortable, but you sound very set on your mom being there, which is fine. I wish you luck.

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Answered by PaperHeart - Sep. 25, 2015 11:53pm

No, I wouldn't have the heart to actually let someone else in and disclude my mom. I'm typically pretty laid back during labor. I'm quiet and withdrawn when I'm in pain. I usually get an epidural, though, and then it's just like hanging out. That said, I'm not one of those 5 hours start to finish women. I'm usually in labor for a good 12 or more hours. It just worked out that my water broke around 9:30 pm with my dd, so everyone was tired. My parents and mother in law both came to the hospital, which I didn't expect given the hour and the fact that my hospital is about 3 hours from them. I felt oddly obligated to let them sleep, but just couldn't sleep myself. I will very likely not be in a rush to get to the hospital this time around and will do some laboring from home. I think where I really would like the most actual support is during the pushing phase (took under 30 minutes with my dd and about 5 with my ds). My Dh is just completely a different person at that time. It's weird.

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Answered by Mommybutterfly - Sep. 25, 2015 11:26pm

I'm sorry if I got it wrong but the major point is that your needs during the labor aren't being met. Is there anyone you've been very good friends with the past several years? If so it might be worth having them with you while you labor.

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