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5 weeks, after 2 losses

Category: Special - Pregnant After a Loss
Posted by mango1 » Apr. 23, 2013 5:10pm

A little breif of my history;
I lost my first son, at 22 weeks gestation April 2012, due to unexplained preterm labour, I was just very "unlucky" as they put it (ha, right.) The stillbirth delivery of my son turned my entire world upside down, and from that moment, I beacme a woman obsessed with being a mommy. FINALLY, just before Halloween I had recieved the BFP I had been hoping to see fo rmonths. The bleeding started 4 days later, and miscrriage completed a week after that.

Needless to say, this has been a heartbreaking journey. I am now 5 weeks pregnant, I found out a 3w4D after multiple (ahem, 7) pregnancy tests, to which I am still taking to this day, just to "make sure".
Anyways, I am a wreck! I cannot shake the feeling that, seems as my first loss was unexplained preterm labour, and my second was an early natural miscarriage, of COURSE this one has to be ectopic. I cannot get it out of my mind. I feel everything, so many pulls, twinges, little cramps. Nausea, although not bad at this point, I am exhausted-all these little things are driving my mind into overdrive, and of course, thinking the worst. I am so convinced that I will lose this one too, that I haven't even be able to comprehend the fact that, yes, I AM pregnant. It feels like such a distant dream still. I am in the bathroom every 30 minutes, doing a spot check.

How does a person get through this, while trying to remain positive? I can't see the result 9 months from now, I can't even IMAGINE it. For anyone in a similar situation, how do you deal? I am just so lost in all of this :(

Posts: 5

Replies (3)

Reply by Quartz3 » Apr. 24, 2013 1:39am

My situation is a little bit different; I had to terminate my first pregnancy at 17 weeks due to major brain abnormalities last year. It was the most heartbreaking decision I ever had to make, and I don't think I will ever fully recover. I was lucky enough to get pregnant again after a few months, and this time everything looks perfect (knock on wood)... but the whole first 17 weeks, before the anatomy scan when they could take a good luck at baby, were unbearable. There was nothing I could do but wait, and of course obsess and wonder how it was going to turn out...

What I did to make the wait more bearable and remain sane is I focused on minor milestones. My first milestone was my first medical appointment, when I got the paperwork to schedule the first ultrasound. The next milestone was my second medical appointment about three weeks later, when we heard the heartbeat, which meant the risk of miscarriage dropped drastically. The next milestone was my NT scan, which was when the abnormalities were spotted the first time around. Then my next medical appointment. Then the anatomy scan.

After the NT scan turned out normal, I got a fetal doppler for reassurance because I had 5 weeks to go before the anatomy scan. It couldn't tell me whether baby was normal, but at least I knew he was still alive.

Also, I made sure to celebrate each successful milestone: after the NT scan, I treated myself to a hot chocolate with whipped cream and a decadent slice of cake. After the anatomy scan, we bought some diapers. After the fetal MRI, I got myself a bola necklace... you get the idea.

Other than that, it's okay not to be positive all the time. I actually was the most pessimistic person on this planet until the anatomy scan... it was my way to deal.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, it's going to be hard and scary. You can never get back the innocence of that first pregnancy, that trust that everything will be fine. So whatever you can do to remain sane, do it. Every week is a victory, try and enjoy it.

Good luck!

Posts: 96

Reply by estone » Apr. 24, 2013 3:13am

I know how you feel. I lost my twins at 18 weeks gestation in 2011, and it was awful. Prior to that I had an early miscarriage. Finally in January, 2012 I got pregnant with my son. I too had to celebrate each little milestone and I actually kept a calendar and crossed off each day. I think this was a physical way for me to see that I was getting closer to being a mommy. I also ordered a doppler and checked his heartbeat everyday, until I started feeling him move. He was born at 34 weeks due to my placenta rupturing, but he is a healthy 7 month old now and I don't know what I would do without him. He was completely worth the wait!

I just found out I am pregnant again, and hope I am not as anxious as I was the first time.

Good luck to you, and remember to try and breathe and know that so many things are out of your control.

Posts: 12

Reply by mango1 » Apr. 24, 2013 3:33pm

Ladies, thank you SO much for your kind and thoughtful replies.

I am so sorry, to both of you, for the awful and traumatic losses. It is the most life altering shift, and I would never wish it upon anyone.

After I wrote this post, I had my first appointment with my Dr. We did an internal exam, drew the first set of beta's, and he prescribed me prometrium to take orally. I have to say, just being on the extra progesterone, makes me feel a LOT better. I somewhat felt like I had no control over this pregnancy, initially, now I feel like there is something I can do to (hopefully) promote a healthy first trimester. I will likely be put on it again at 20 weeks, as a preventative action for preterm labour again. It's a tricky time right now, because both my losses are unrelated, I had one stillbirth and one early miscarriage-so it's basically chalked up to extremely bad luck at this point. Which SUCKS!

I think the small milestone idea is wonderful!! At this point, I've got the first appt down, started progesterone and beta's. My next milestone will be my scan at approx. 7 weeks for "dating purposes"...I honestly am just hoping to see a heartbeat at that point (fingers crossed). And after that, of course will be my 12 week mark, then making it past 22 weeks, and onwards. I love the idea of "small steps" to look forward to, because it is extremlely overwhelming to think of the end result all the way in December.

Have any of you ladies had experience with progesterone suppliments? I appoligize if you have mentioned this already, I am quite scatterbrained. I have read that some women get dizzy or ill from it. In all honesty, for me, BRING ON THE MORNING SICKNESS! Haha, I want to feel everything, to ensure myself that the hormones are strong, and working!

Again, girls, thank you for the replies. I have been havign a hard time, because this negativiity is somewhat my coping mechanism and defense, just incase...but no one close to me understands why I can't be happy at this 3rd chance, so I have almost been made to feel dumb or guilty for having bad feelings. It is comforting to know I am not alone.

Take care ladies, and all the best to you both xox

Posts: 5