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Feeling like a Horrible Mother

Category: Trimesters - Second Trimester
Posted by MontyMoe » Aug. 30, 2011 12:42am

Ok, this is going to be hard and I am sure I am going to get a lot of negative feedback, which I am totally ok with.

I don't post a whole lot on here, but I read everything everyday. I am more of a listener than a talker, so even though I don't contribute to the threads, I feel like I know all of you. Everyone is so supportive on this site, much more than in real life. We are all going through the same things, and all I am really looking for is some support.

Prior to getting pregnant, I had one vice. Smoking.
When I found out I was pregnant, I quit. It was really hard, but I did it.

But lately, I have been so stressed, so worried about everything. I started sneaking puffs from my husbands ciggarettes. And then I started smoking about one a day. Its so awful, so wrong, I know. I am trying really hard to stop. But now I feel like a horrible mother and a horrible person.

I know that some people smoke their entire pregnancy and have healthy babies, but I am not making excuses, I swear. I know its wrong. I love this little girl in me so much already.

Thank you so much for reading this, I really appreciate it. I am NOT looking for people to tell me what I did is ok, cause I know it is NOT.

Just support,

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Replies (19)

Reply by jkg9510 » Aug. 30, 2011 1:58am

First and foremost, you are not a bad mother! My mother smoked through her entire pregnancy with me (and they knew smoking was bad even in those days) and I still think she is the best mother in the entire world. She just has a vice/addiction/whatever you want to call it. Some people may call you a bad mom, but quite frankly, those people are self-righteous and MUST be perfect mothers themselves (kidding, we all know no one is perfect at anything)! Do what you can to cut back, but don't beat yourself up about it.

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Reply by NewMommy07 » Aug. 30, 2011 2:22am

I know exactly how you feel, but you are not a horrible mother! I smoke still and I'm planning to quit on the 1st and it's been a huge struggle. Not sure how that's going to go over since my husband probably will continue to smoke.

I actually had a conversation with my doctor this past week about it and she said it's ok to use the patches to quit while pregnant as long as you don't smoke while using them. Maybe that would make it easier for you? I may have to go that route because quitting without an aid has always been hard for me to do in the past (quit twice before).

Stress makes it SOOO much harder to stay smoke free when you're not pregnant, and it's like intensified about 5 million times when you are I think. It's not the end of the world if you slip a few times. My OB told me if I can't quit completely then cutting down as much as possible is perfectly fine too.

If you need someone to talk to don't hesitate to shoot me a message! We're all here to support each other! :)

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Reply by Neekie » Aug. 30, 2011 3:34am

You know what, I HATE seeing women smoke while pregnant, BUT a lot of the women i have known haven't even tried to give up or cut back, at least you are aware of the risks involved and wholely admit you know its wrong.
So KUDOS to you for accepting that your not perfect as you smoke i'm sure that slice of Soft cheese i ate at the party on the weekend wasn't necessary nor was the raw egg i ate in the cake batter!

So no one is perfect. :) But im sure you will be the perfect mummy to your daughter!

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Reply by Xdancer » Aug. 30, 2011 8:16am

I also hate to see women smoking when pregnant, but I was a smoker myself until I reached 7 weeks (I had cut down to 3 a day by then). Luckily for me I developed an aversion to them at point, so it wasn't a struggle to giveup so I can only imagine how difficult it is for you.
Smoking is an addiction, and even with all the will in the world it is not easy to quit.
My doctor here in Spain had advised me to gradually cut down with a view to stopping completely by the end of the 1st trimester( obviously quitting immediately would have been preferred). Some doctors here even consider it better to smoke a cigarette or 2 a day during pregnancy rather than stressing everyday because you want one so badly!

Don't consider yourself a bad mother. Quitting isn't easy. Do your best, and don't beat yourself up.

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Reply by dmpage » Aug. 30, 2011 12:41pm

Okay, if you're a bad Mommy I guess we all are. I pump my own gas and the fumes smell good to me! I occasionally give in to my fast food craving. I'm often soooo tired after not sleeping well and taking care of my two young kids that I just put frozen prepared foods into the oven and feed them (and me and hubby). These are all horrible things to do. At least I started making our green drink again and making sure I drink at least one a day.

You know what? Try to quit harder. That's all you can do. I was a full time smoker and quit the January (04) before I got pregnant in July. I know how hard it is. The patch sounds like a good idea! Make sure you're compensating and eating super well and getting some exercise to bolster oxygen levels.

They tell me we're having a girl...a sister to her two older brothers? I still don't believe it!!

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Reply by JLMarks » Aug. 30, 2011 3:37pm

Its so hard to quit. I had to go through it too. I stopped smoking in my car and that was the hardest. I actually cut a straw down to the size of a ciggie and had it with me. It helped to have something in my hands. Once I got the second round of blood test back I new I had to quit and I quit slowly by smoking 2 ciggies the first day then splitting one the 2nd day then just giving up on the third. It sucked but once the first week is over the nicotine is out of your system and you won't feel guilty.

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Reply by akermom » Aug. 30, 2011 6:51pm

I am also a bad mom then-loved DMPAGE's post! I am also soooo tired and feed my kids and my husband easy food! And I eat lunchmeat sometimes! I am craving ham and swiss on rye. We all do things we should not do, but you are trying your best-keep trying! But also know that you will not be the perfect parent once she is born either. My oldest is 4 and I already have parenting regrets. Love her- and know that God destined you to be THIS little girl's mother-because you will do your best and love her!

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Reply by sweetpea016 » Aug. 30, 2011 8:43pm

Alright, here it is.... I DO NOT THINK YOU ARE A BAD MOTHER!

it's that plain and simple. i was a smoker before my first and after my third...stress takes us back to the things that we know can help relieve it.

Cutting back on them is a great idea and you are being a fine mother on trying. quitting s not easy i have quit each time i've been pregnant and this time at least i quit before i found out.

hang in there and just take it step by step....one day at a time!

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Reply by erin12 » Sep. 5, 2011 8:41pm

Quitting is hard, the only reason why I was able to do it was becasue I wanted to start a family, with out that as motivation I never would have done it ( I loved smoking!!!).

You are right in your post, its not OK and its not good for either of you...but at least you are trying to stop. I think that intention counts for a lot, just keep trying to smoke less and less each day . Maybe you will never completely stop, but 1 smoke per day is better than 5

Good luck !

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Reply by anita86 » Sep. 23, 2011 9:26am

I too am quiting smoking and here it is the name of a book that totally changed the way I see cigarettes and a lot of people have quit just by reading it.

The Easy Way To Stop smoking from Allan Carr

At least 2 of my friends stopped smoking by reading it.
The guy that wrote it used to be a heavy smoker, he isnt a brilliant writer and repeats himself a bit, but the truth is he puts everything into perspective and changes the way you view smoking. The only thing I would advise is if you feel like stopping before you finish the book, then stop ( he advises you not to try and quit while you reading it) this is the reason while I am still smoking, but I did feel like quitting just half way through the book and was feeling great. Please read it! Im happy I read it, I have my first appointment next week and Im planning to be smoke free by next week! All the best and much love

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Reply by Jacqie16 » Dec. 13, 2011 8:25pm

Hey all,

I'm new here, and did not read all the replies on this post but I'm in the same boat as MontyMoe.

With my first pregnancy 3 years ago I could immediately stop smoking at 8 weeks when I found out I was pregnant, but now, at 6 weeks pregnant I really really struggle. I don't want to make excuses for my bad habit but I'm really struggling at this moment. My husband left 4 weeks ago to go and work in England, we had to pack up all our stuff, sold half of it, and me and little girl moved to my parents. I'm a major depression sufferer, and I don't want to use this as an excuse please. I have tried to quit twice now since discovering I'm pregnant and both times I fell apart after 4 hours. At this moment I feel as such a bad mother, just thinking about myself, after praying so hard for this little one inside of me. I really am not coping at the moment

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Reply by baby4us » Dec. 13, 2011 8:57pm

You know what? This is more common than you probably think. I told people when I was pregnant with my son that I gave up straight away, but reality was that it was much harder than that, and it took time. A lot of people just do whats right in public, and work away on it in private, so don't think that it is only you.

The BEST thing you can do, is keep trying. As long as you don't fall into the trap of thinking that its too late to give up, then you are being a wonderful mother by accepting what is best for your child, and doing your best to achieve that. My midwife and Dr both told me that every cigarette you DON'T have, is a better choice for your baby, so think about it like that, they have also said (as a lot seem to do) that cutting down is still worth the effort, it is the heavy smoking, and smoking indoors where you are constantly breathing it in, is the real concern. Once my midwife said to me, think about how long you spend each day NOT smoking, and realise that this makes you a smoke free for most of the day, just think positive.

We now have number two on the way, and from my own experiences and those of others around me, I can tell you that there is one thing that WILL make you the perfect mother in the eyes of your child...

just LOVE her!!

...this one thing will make all the difference to her life, not the occasional cigarette you smoke, or the food you occasionally sneak :)

All the best :)

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Reply by el2011 » Dec. 13, 2011 10:02pm

"Do what you can to cut back, but don't beat yourself up about it."

YES... this.

I am not a smoker... I was a 'casual' smoker in college, because I really liked clove cigarrettes, but I was never addicted to it so I can't say I was.

Honestly? My dad used to smoke around us as kids in the house... I even went to the corner store to buy cigarrettes for him sometimes. I don't tell a lot of people that because they'll immediately roll their eyes or give me that look like "didn't he care about his kids?" YES he did. Even then we knew it was bad for you... but that's what it is. Other than that, he was a GREAT dad, and he still struggles with smoking today, but I don't see him as any less of a dad for it. We all have demons. All you can do is keep trying. Maybe you can figure out what your smoking triggers are and find something to substitute?

Instead of looking at it like you're a bad mother for smoking now and then consider how much less you're doing it than before. If you fall off the wagon now and again, just start over and try again.

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Reply by Jacqie16 » Dec. 14, 2011 7:45pm

Thanks so much for all the replies and the kind words and tips. I'm trying to smoke less each day with the hope to quit as soon as possible.

Thank you so much again for not judging

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Reply by MontyMoe » Dec. 16, 2011 3:55am

Hey girls.

I have been doing great as well. I have not smoked in months. I just keep telling myself that it is worth it for my sweet baby Mae! She is due in about 20 days! Can't wait to meet her.

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Reply by NewMommy07 » Dec. 17, 2011 5:02am

Don't feel bad Jacqie! It's a hard thing to do to quit smoking for a whole lot of people. It took me til about 14-15 weeks to completely stop smoking, even though I wanted to more than anything my body was just too addicted after smoking for 14 years. I have had 1 cigarette since then a couple months ago and it was so nasty I won't have another!

Don't get discouraged, even if you can't quit completely just cutting back to as little as possible is a HUGE benefit for you and baby! That's what my OB told me and it made me feel so much better and actually got me to where I could finally quit.

Good luck!

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Reply by Jacqie16 » Dec. 17, 2011 4:21pm

Thank you so much NewMommy07! It helps a lot!

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Reply by dmpage » Dec. 22, 2011 9:03pm

I haven't read all of the thread but I am hoping you all have quit. If you haven't, I do have a motivating thought...if the docs say every one less you smoke is of marked benefit to the baby...think about the damage each one can do!? That'll motivate ya!

I know when I found out I was pregnant with my first I was having serious cravings and wanted terribly to start again or just have ooooone...just think about all the harm it causes you and bub. Don't beat yourself up about it but certainly don't let all of these supportive lovely ladies lull you into forgetting the fact that it's REALLY BAD for you and baby. (duh...like you don't know that!) but you catch my drift. STOP! Every day, wake up and tell yourself that you are not having another one. G'luck - Diana

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Reply by DemonSeed » Aug. 3, 2012 9:27am

Wanna know a secret?

I do it to :/

One a day max, and I had been really good and quit for like two, three months. But having three roommates that smoke, and one of them being the daddy, it is HARD.

It is an addiction, and you are not doing anything more wrong then the woman that dont take pregnatals, drink a beer every day, or what not.

Think of the people that eat only Mc Donalds, smoke a pack a day and dont take any pills at all.

One cig a day is not going to be the end of the world.

And I was told by my doctor, actually that if you smoked before getting pregnant and they slowed way down during, you are ok. The baby is on that nico rush too you know. I got really REALLY sick when I quit. Like, puking all morning, several times for weeks. All because I didn't have a cig. :/

So don't beat your self up on it ok?

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