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josamarie's Pregnancy
My Due Date: February 2, 2016I have given birth!
Age: 37 years old
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Anxiety rears her ugly head
By josamarie » Posted Oct. 13, 2015 9:13pm - 334 views - 6 comments
I've always suffered from anxiety and ocd (I suffered my first panic attack at 7), but for almost my entire adult life (minus some time in college, so stressful) I have been able to manage it without meds very successfully. Just after 24 weeks pregnant with Max, however, I developed severe anxiety out of the blue, having back to back panic attacks for days. I couldn't sleep or eat, and rapidly lost weight over the next 3 weeks while I fought to get it under control. After my 5th ER visit in 10 days, the doctors told me I would need to consent to taking anti-anxiety meds or risk my baby's health... His heart rate was dropping rapidly, extremely low during my attacks and he was in obvious distress. For me, the benefits of drugs far outweighed the risks to him, which at that late stage were not developmental for the most part (there is a very low-risk of possibly developing withdrawal symptoms or pulmonary hypertension when ssri drugs are taken in the later half of pregnancy, but studies have not confirmed the link). I was placed on a low dose of Prozac (class c) daily and Ativan (class d) as needed to keep the worst of the attacks under control. I only had to take the Ativan a few times in those early weeks while the Prozac kicked in and began to work. I worried every day for my son, but he was born healthy and whole at 39 weeks with totally unrelated complications (meconium staining meant he had to be intubated and suctioned at birth, but that was not linked to the meds I was on). He is now a very bright and precocious 1.5 year old, absolutely perfect. I continued the Prozac through the post partum period as my anxiety put me at greater risk for pp depression and anxiety, which I thankfully did not suffer. I had no trouble breastfeeding him while on the medication and was approved to donate by a local milk bank, so I never had any trouble. When we decided to start thinking about #2, I worked with my doctor to wean off the Prozac when he was 9 months old, and we began try 3 months later. I conceived when he was 14 months old.
I really wanted to stay off the drugs this time, and so far have had a very good pregnancy (very like his, sick until around 20 weeks but otherwise feeling very good), and since I am no longer working I have given up some of the stress that was related with my fast paced job. I hoped that would be enough to keep the anxiety at bay, but I was wrong. I have been feeling excessively weepy the last couple of weeks, I know it ties into Max weaning around that time, and the stress of my dad's impending (and very risky) spinal surgery has had me snapping at my loved ones. I find myself irate with my poor toddler when he wont eat, and have cried every single meal time for days.
Finally, I woke up at 1:30 this morning (24 weeks on the nose) in the throes of a horrible panic attack. I honestly can't even describe the terror or total loss of control, it is truly a terrifying experience and not something I would ever wish on anyone. I have the prescription of Ativan in the house, and took one immediately. Within 2 hours I was able to calm down and get back to sleep, but have felt on edge and jittery all day. After long talks with my husband, perinatologist, and my psychiatrist (I am blessed to be seen by a wonderful doctor who specializes in prenatal anxiety and depression), we've agreed that the best course of action is to go back on the Prozac.
I am so sad, even though I have perfect proof in my son that everything will be ok. I am disappointed in myself, in my body for once again not being able to do this, not being able to keep my baby safe without losing my mind. I know she will be ok, but I just can't help like feeling I've failed again. Evidently I'm only allowed to have 24 weeks before my brain breaks and I can't do it alone anymore.
My Journal
Anxiety rears her ugly head
By josamarie » Posted Oct. 13, 2015 9:13pm - 334 views - 6 comments
I've always suffered from anxiety and ocd (I suffered my first panic attack at 7), but for almost my entire adult life (minus some time in college, so stressful) I have been able to manage it without meds very successfully. Just after 24 weeks pregnant with Max, however, I developed severe anxiety out of the blue, having back to back panic attacks for days. I couldn't sleep or eat, and rapidly lost weight over the next 3 weeks while I fought to get it under control. After my 5th ER visit in 10 days, the doctors told me I would need to consent to taking anti-anxiety meds or risk my baby's health... His heart rate was dropping rapidly, extremely low during my attacks and he was in obvious distress. For me, the benefits of drugs far outweighed the risks to him, which at that late stage were not developmental for the most part (there is a very low-risk of possibly developing withdrawal symptoms or pulmonary hypertension when ssri drugs are taken in the later half of pregnancy, but studies have not confirmed the link). I was placed on a low dose of Prozac (class c) daily and Ativan (class d) as needed to keep the worst of the attacks under control. I only had to take the Ativan a few times in those early weeks while the Prozac kicked in and began to work. I worried every day for my son, but he was born healthy and whole at 39 weeks with totally unrelated complications (meconium staining meant he had to be intubated and suctioned at birth, but that was not linked to the meds I was on). He is now a very bright and precocious 1.5 year old, absolutely perfect. I continued the Prozac through the post partum period as my anxiety put me at greater risk for pp depression and anxiety, which I thankfully did not suffer. I had no trouble breastfeeding him while on the medication and was approved to donate by a local milk bank, so I never had any trouble. When we decided to start thinking about #2, I worked with my doctor to wean off the Prozac when he was 9 months old, and we began try 3 months later. I conceived when he was 14 months old.
I really wanted to stay off the drugs this time, and so far have had a very good pregnancy (very like his, sick until around 20 weeks but otherwise feeling very good), and since I am no longer working I have given up some of the stress that was related with my fast paced job. I hoped that would be enough to keep the anxiety at bay, but I was wrong. I have been feeling excessively weepy the last couple of weeks, I know it ties into Max weaning around that time, and the stress of my dad's impending (and very risky) spinal surgery has had me snapping at my loved ones. I find myself irate with my poor toddler when he wont eat, and have cried every single meal time for days.
Finally, I woke up at 1:30 this morning (24 weeks on the nose) in the throes of a horrible panic attack. I honestly can't even describe the terror or total loss of control, it is truly a terrifying experience and not something I would ever wish on anyone. I have the prescription of Ativan in the house, and took one immediately. Within 2 hours I was able to calm down and get back to sleep, but have felt on edge and jittery all day. After long talks with my husband, perinatologist, and my psychiatrist (I am blessed to be seen by a wonderful doctor who specializes in prenatal anxiety and depression), we've agreed that the best course of action is to go back on the Prozac.
I am so sad, even though I have perfect proof in my son that everything will be ok. I am disappointed in myself, in my body for once again not being able to do this, not being able to keep my baby safe without losing my mind. I know she will be ok, but I just can't help like feeling I've failed again. Evidently I'm only allowed to have 24 weeks before my brain breaks and I can't do it alone anymore.
Comments for this Journal Entry
 | Comment from josamarie » Posted Oct. 18, 2015 10:37pm Thanks to everyone for the support, I am blessed to have an amazing support system here (spent all weekend with my parents, who live just down the road) and am feeling much better about the situation now. I felt like I had a sword hanging over my head for the past few months, wondering if/when IT would happen. Now that it has, I can move forward and worry about it less... ironic how I was anxious about having anxiety attacks, and now that I'm having them I can relax. Of course I am getting a cold, and not being able to breathe is a huge panic trigger for me, but we'll get through it! It's amazing what a few days and a game plan in place can do to brighten your outlook! |
 | Comment from pbc910 » Posted Oct. 14, 2015 12:02pm I echo what everyone else has said. It's tough dealing with it and deciding whether to try to treat it with medication or without, especially while pregnant. I was on medication for years and I just stopped cold turkey when we decided to conceive. It felt easy but it's only looking back I realize what a bad decision that was and that I should have kept on it for much longer. Because of my horrible hormonal episodes this pregnancy, I am going to ask to be put back on anti-anxiety meds after the babies are born. It's tough all around. To feel like something is wrong with you, to worry about baby, to worry you are doing what's right but don't worry, you are! |
 | Comment from CrystalB88 » Posted Oct. 14, 2015 8:51am I'm so sorry you feel like you've failed. As others have said, it isn't something you can control, and accepting help from meds isn't something to be ashamed of, especially if it helps your baby, too. You are far from a failure, you are a wonderful mother!! I get occasional anxiety/panic attacks while pregnant, but not often enough to be concerned... don't beat yourself up, you're doing everything possible to keep your baby safe and healthy, and that's a wonderful thing!! Keep up the good work, mama ;-) |
| Comment from ericalee » Posted Oct. 14, 2015 8:24am Oh, Josie. I'm so sorry you're experiencing such bad anxiety again this pregnancy. Anxiety is a beast and can take such a strong hold on a person that it is truly hard to function and able to look at the situation for what it is -- a medical condition that requires the help of medication to control. You are such a strong woman/mama/wife/daughter/etc. Having to go back on the Prozac does not change that at all. Pregnancy is an amazing thing for how it can impact the body -- both for the things we cherish about it and those that we could go without. I'm glad that you have such a great support system with your family and care providers. That is SO important. I'm here for you too!! Just a short drive away and more than happy to come over for a chat, food delivery, etc. Love you!! |
 | Comment from Starmama14 » Posted Oct. 14, 2015 8:22am Anxiety and panic attacks are no joke - I deal with anxiety too! Don't beat yourself up over it...it is beyond your control and that's ok! Glad you have a plan in place to keep both you and baby safe - not everyone does that! Thinking of you! |
 | Comment from rcorinne » Posted Oct. 14, 2015 1:54am It's not your fault. It's chemistry. I'm sorry you have to go through this again, and I hope the meds help keep you all safe and level. Thinking of you during this tough time. Toddler and pregnancy are hard things taken alone, but add in anxiety and it's too much. Don't beat yourself up over this. Meds sound like a sound decision. Take care. |
