dakara's Pregnancy

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By dakara » Posted Nov. 28, 2013 12:06am - 677 views - 5 comments

I have a lot of feelings about this pregnancy, I guess. I definitely want this baby, and already love them, but I do have moments of ambivalence. Things will be hard with this baby. I just got an hours cut at work, and I'm not sure how we'll be able to afford a few things. We might have to move, I don't know. I'm nervous about labor; I can't control it, I can't make it start and I can't make it stop. What if I can't do it? What if I hurt or kill the baby during labor? I'm not worried about the day to day care of the baby - as crazy as it sounds, my first babysitting job was at 11, and I was able to get a short-term nannying job when I was 13. I know how to change a diaper, and introduce solids and teach a baby to walk, and talk, and use a toilet. I know how to deal with children sensitively, patiently, and how to use "teachable moments".

But how will I afford a crib? I don't live near any good schools, not really. What will I do for daycare? What if I pick a terrible one and my baby gets hurt? What if I lose my job? What if I can't breastfeed? I have inverted nipples, and I've read that it shouldn't affect anything, that a baby can learn to work around this, but what if mine can't? Or what if my baby has a disability? I'd obviously get it the services it requires, but what if I don't learn fast enough? What if I can't afford the best care?

Not to mention certain things will never be the same again, and least not for the next 2 decades. No more quiet nights in alone. No more spontaneous weekend plans. I don't have a really wild life, I basically live a life compatible with having children in the house already, but now I still have the *potential* for a wild life, and soon, I won't. I can't say I'll be mourning it, necessarily, but it's something to think about.

I don't know. Maybe I'm over-thinking it. But that's the headspace I'm in.

Comments for this Journal Entry

	Comment from KenpoMommy » Posted Nov. 29, 2013 9:45pm You can private message me anytime you need to as well if there are things you don't want to publicly broadcast. I've noticed certain people on this site can be really judgemental. For the most part, the other women here are really supportive and know exactly what its like but there are always the few that think if you arent dancing around with happiness at the mere thought of being pregnant then you're a bad parent. The fact is, no matter how happy you may be to be having another baby, the process of getting to that end result can really suck for some of us! And if that happens to be the case for you some days, you should be able to still get the support you need without the finger pointing. Anxiety and depression can really destroy what may be a happy experience for other women, I know I've definitely had my days! Just go one day at a time and remember to reach out when it gets to be too much. :-)
	Comment from jennavee » Posted Nov. 29, 2013 8:22pm Sometimes churches will offer free counseling and it can be non-religious. I hope things go smoothly for you and that you have no difficulties with anything you're worrying about!
	Comment from dakara » Posted Nov. 29, 2013 12:09am I actually have dealt with anxiety issues in the past. About 7 years ago, I was diagnosed to Generalized Anxiety and given medication to stop the panic attacks. I've come a long way since then, and I've been off medication for 5 years, and haven't had an attack in 3ish years, I think. I have definitely thought about looking for a councilor, though I don't have insurance, so the waiting list is quite long, and that's discouraged me so far. However, I don't know if it's the hormones or the simple fact that my life is changing, or both, I guess, but since about 3 weeks ago, the anxiety has definitely come back full force. Thank you for saying something, because I've felt on the fence about it for a while, but on Monday, I'll start looking into social services. :)
	Comment from yellowbunny91 » Posted Nov. 28, 2013 9:49pm Iv been where you are with my first, sometimes I literally lost my breath I got so anxious about everything, at 38 weeks my partner lost his job and my little girl was born when neither of us had a job, but trust me, you will ALWAYS be able to provide for your baby no matter what, times may get tough but your motherly instincs would never ever let you get even close to not being able to provide for bub! I started putting even the tiniest bit of money aside each week from the minute I found out I was pregnant, this ended up being enough to buy a cot! one step at a time I know it all seems like it happening at once but its not :) I ended up with PND pretty bad but if you have a supportive partner which im sure you do and a happy comfy enviroment you will pull through! Just have faith in yourself honey! xx
	Comment from KenpoMommy » Posted Nov. 28, 2013 2:54am Sounds like you're suffering from a pretty serious case of first baby anxiety. All new mothers worry about these same things, although it sounds like you may be experiencing a more intense case of it than normal. You didn't mention if you have issues with depression or anxiety outside of pregnancy, but if you do, it can definitely amplify the normal pregnancy worries. I've been through it myself. I also have suffered some pretty serious PPD after both my boys were born too. I would highly recommend having a couple visits with a councilor who has experience with pregnancy issues like this. If you let it go it will get worse. Do what you can to learn how to deal with your anxiety before the baby comes. Find a local pregnancy support group of other moms to be. It can really help to have other women in your position to talk to! I've been through a lot this pregnancy myself, I know how bad the worry can get. Get help, it really will make a difference! :-)