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dakara's Pregnancy
My Due Date: June 30, 2014I have given birth!
Age: 33 years old
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By dakara » Posted Jan. 6, 2014 6:56pm - 421 views - 2 comments
Was having computer troubles, so I haven't been able to log on to anything lately and I've missed it! I haven't been taking bump photos, which I feel bad about, but I still feel like I haven't popped at all, still the same flat(ish) stomach. :( My wife says my stomach looks more round now, but mostly on the upper half? Which doesn't make sense to me, because the baby should still be really, really low. But since she said that, I'm starting to think maybe my stomach does look rounder? I'm taking a photo tonight or tomorrow to compare with my ten week photo, but I was really bloated that week, so I'm scared I'll just look the same!
I've also lost 15 pounds, which is kind of making me worried; that's like 5 pounds a month. I know I wasn't supposed to gain any weight during this pregnancy, and I'm basically fine with it, and I'm actually kind of okay with losing this weight, because it's something I've been meaning to do for a couple years anyway, basically ever since I couldn't afford to go to the gym anymore. I've been trying to exercise at home, but I have a small apartment, and it's not safe to go walking alone, and anyway, excuses aside, this is something I've been aiming for, so in a way, I'm a little glad that I've lost a small amount of weight. I know that it's because I still have basically no appetite and when I do eat it's pretty uncertain whether I'll actually end up actually keeping it, so I fully understand how and why this is happening. But I'm still worried that it means something is wrong and that the baby is dead somehow because I don't have a bump yet and I can't tell if they're moving or not.
That's actually a recurring fear of mine; I keep being really concerned that the baby isn't alive and I just don't know it yet. I know this can't be true because I have all the symptoms that mean the baby is alive: I'm still morning sick nearly all of the time, I can never sleep enough, my stomach feels like I've done 100 sit ups every single day, my breasts have changed significantly: they're bigger and rounder, with darker areolas. I've never had this much acne in my life, my period is about 4 months late, I get winded doing normal things, and my dreams have been crazy weird. Everything I complain about on a day to day basis makes everyone around me smile and say "Good. The baby is doing well then," which makes me feel better for a little while, but then I get to worrying again. Even my midwife said that all signs point to a healthy baby, and yet I lie awake at night wondering "but what if the baby died and I just haven't miscarried yet?" I don't have any cramping or bleeding, no signs at all that this would be true, but still, at least once a day "ah, no. What about the baby?"
I'm guessing it's a good(ish) sign to be worried about the baby, because I'm hoping that translates into me caring about the baby once it's out, too. I'll probably be concerned that it eats enough and sleeps safely and has warm enough clothes, so I'm trying to frame this in a positive light for myself, so that maybe I'll be less anxious about it. Especially since I think that maybe I might have felt the baby move? There's a feeling I get when I'm falling asleep or just waking up, and I've never felt something like it before. It feels like blowing milk bubbles: gentle, but persistent. It lasts for a few seconds and then fades away and I won't feel it again for the rest of the day, or at least a few hours. Basically, as long as I'm sitting or lying still and not really doing anything else seems to be the criteria. If I'm focusing on something I'm working on, I tend not to feel it, or perhaps not to notice? I think that sounds about right for early quickening, but since this is my first, I don't really know for sure, and won't for a few weeks at least, which is really frustrating. I mean, this could totally be wrong, and maybe I'm not feeling the baby, but ugh. I don't know. I'm getting a headache now...
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By dakara » Posted Jan. 6, 2014 6:56pm - 421 views - 2 comments
Was having computer troubles, so I haven't been able to log on to anything lately and I've missed it! I haven't been taking bump photos, which I feel bad about, but I still feel like I haven't popped at all, still the same flat(ish) stomach. :( My wife says my stomach looks more round now, but mostly on the upper half? Which doesn't make sense to me, because the baby should still be really, really low. But since she said that, I'm starting to think maybe my stomach does look rounder? I'm taking a photo tonight or tomorrow to compare with my ten week photo, but I was really bloated that week, so I'm scared I'll just look the same!
I've also lost 15 pounds, which is kind of making me worried; that's like 5 pounds a month. I know I wasn't supposed to gain any weight during this pregnancy, and I'm basically fine with it, and I'm actually kind of okay with losing this weight, because it's something I've been meaning to do for a couple years anyway, basically ever since I couldn't afford to go to the gym anymore. I've been trying to exercise at home, but I have a small apartment, and it's not safe to go walking alone, and anyway, excuses aside, this is something I've been aiming for, so in a way, I'm a little glad that I've lost a small amount of weight. I know that it's because I still have basically no appetite and when I do eat it's pretty uncertain whether I'll actually end up actually keeping it, so I fully understand how and why this is happening. But I'm still worried that it means something is wrong and that the baby is dead somehow because I don't have a bump yet and I can't tell if they're moving or not.
That's actually a recurring fear of mine; I keep being really concerned that the baby isn't alive and I just don't know it yet. I know this can't be true because I have all the symptoms that mean the baby is alive: I'm still morning sick nearly all of the time, I can never sleep enough, my stomach feels like I've done 100 sit ups every single day, my breasts have changed significantly: they're bigger and rounder, with darker areolas. I've never had this much acne in my life, my period is about 4 months late, I get winded doing normal things, and my dreams have been crazy weird. Everything I complain about on a day to day basis makes everyone around me smile and say "Good. The baby is doing well then," which makes me feel better for a little while, but then I get to worrying again. Even my midwife said that all signs point to a healthy baby, and yet I lie awake at night wondering "but what if the baby died and I just haven't miscarried yet?" I don't have any cramping or bleeding, no signs at all that this would be true, but still, at least once a day "ah, no. What about the baby?"
I'm guessing it's a good(ish) sign to be worried about the baby, because I'm hoping that translates into me caring about the baby once it's out, too. I'll probably be concerned that it eats enough and sleeps safely and has warm enough clothes, so I'm trying to frame this in a positive light for myself, so that maybe I'll be less anxious about it. Especially since I think that maybe I might have felt the baby move? There's a feeling I get when I'm falling asleep or just waking up, and I've never felt something like it before. It feels like blowing milk bubbles: gentle, but persistent. It lasts for a few seconds and then fades away and I won't feel it again for the rest of the day, or at least a few hours. Basically, as long as I'm sitting or lying still and not really doing anything else seems to be the criteria. If I'm focusing on something I'm working on, I tend not to feel it, or perhaps not to notice? I think that sounds about right for early quickening, but since this is my first, I don't really know for sure, and won't for a few weeks at least, which is really frustrating. I mean, this could totally be wrong, and maybe I'm not feeling the baby, but ugh. I don't know. I'm getting a headache now...
Comments for this Journal Entry
 | Comment from dakara » Posted Jan. 9, 2014 8:46pm : ) Thanks. I guess I'm just an anxious person, and this is my first so I don't have experience to calm me down. |
 | Comment from Mjc9277 » Posted Jan. 7, 2014 8:36am I think until you recognise your babies movements you will worry if he/she is still alive. It was definitely one of my major concerns also. Your description of movement I would say are what you think they are. This is my fourth pregnancy, at this stage anyway and I felt my little man moving at 12 weeks. Very faint movements but definite. Have some faith in your body, things sound perfect. |
