discohospital's Pregnancy

View All My Journal Entries

My Journal

Can't believe I'm here....
By discohospital » Posted Feb. 18, 2015 4:23am - 230 views - 4 comments

After 3 losses I was depressed at the thought that my body just "didn't know how" to cook a baby. The one and only comfort was that the losses had all been before 6 weeks, so maybe I -could- carry a baby, but the pregnancies just weren't starting off correctly. But I just didn't know - and that really scared me.

It really sucks that I was unable to experience a lot of the excitement most people do when they find out they're expecting. When I realized I was pregnant for the 4th time I felt fear, not excitement. I had some spotting at 5 weeks just like with the losses so I assumed we'd lose this one too...then the spotting stopped. Then the weeks kept passing and the weekly ultrasounds showed the little "dot" growing...and the next thing I knew, the dot looked like a baby. Then we found out it was a boy. Then I started to show.

Even then we held back some of the excitement. I took care of myself from the getgo, but I still didn't quite believe I would ever hold my baby. In the second trimester I started to go with it more, started to read the books etc, but when people talked to me about how much I was going to love having a baby, I can't deny that in the back of my mind I thought "You mean IF I have a baby..."

Anyway. Here I am at nearly 29 weeks and I'm just excited now! Hubby and I start "baby school" tomorrow. First it's Newborn Care, then onto Infant CPR, Birthing Classes and I'll be taking the breast-feeding class as well. No need to torment hubby :)

I'm still afraid every day (though my Doppler has been a huge help, I must say) but I'm really starting to believe that I'm going to have my baby!

And from the last ultrasound he looks so much like my hubby; that makes me so happy!

Comments for this Journal Entry

	Comment from discohospital » Posted Feb. 19, 2015 3:03am cosmoholic, I agree that certain milestones make it feel more real. I didn't know when to tell my parents, but when we found out the gender I thought "Ok, now is good!". The anatomy scan was definitely a big relief, though like you said those thoughts of "if" still sneak in. But there is always something to worry about so at this stage I'm trying not to think of them obsessively, difficult as that is! Best of luck to you as well xo
	Comment from discohospital » Posted Feb. 19, 2015 2:59am Quartz3, you're absolutely right. I've also had friends announce their pregnancies just after getting a positive home test. I also told my close friends right after my first positive test, so I get it. It's exciting! And I'm glad that my friend's babies all turned out ok, but you're right, I also thought how nice it must be to just think "I'm pregnant! I'm going to have a baby!" versus the instant fear of losing it that comes to us ladies who have had bad luck.
	Comment from Quartz3 » Posted Feb. 18, 2015 7:13am I understand what you mean by not experiencing the "excitement". Due to previous abnormalities, it's only at the 18-20 weeks scan that we know for sure whether baby is all right, and until then, I never allow myself to think this is really happening... I see friends around me announcing their pregnancies right after they get their BFP and making long-term plans related to the pregnancy and their life with a new baby, and I always think to myself how lucky they are to not even think of the possibility of things going wrong....
	Comment from cosmoholic » Posted Feb. 18, 2015 6:38am I know what it's like to not believe. We had several losses as well and I still have moments of "IF" we get to bring her home.... Focusing on the positives has really helped me a lot - as has celebrating milestones (like you two starting your baby class - it's exciting!) Good luck!