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Lozie84's Pregnancy
My Due Date: October 9, 2013I have given birth!
Age: 40 years old
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refusing to repent
By Lozie84 » Posted May. 8, 2013 4:25pm - 174 views - 7 comments
so at 18 weeks my church supervisor (well the pastor i work for) organised a meeting. we're upgrading our system, so i went in for a talk about how to do it. when i got there he talked happily about the baby, i was excited as usual. told him that her name is coco and is a girl etc. THEN bam. i get this talk about how they don't believe artificial insemination is right by God. That there should be a mum and a dad. that what i have done is a sin. they are concerned that there will be lots of discussion about it, and that people with strong views may come at me with things to say. he also said that some couples who have been trying for a long time and haven't had success may have feelings of anger driven by jealousy. that they have done everything the right way and have no baby and i have done it the wrong way and i do.
i tried explaining that i understand the feelings they experience. not because I've been doing it the "right way" but because i have had friends and family become pregnant for years when i have wanted NOTHIng More. and it DOES hurt. its confusing to try and understand why them and not me. etc. so i empathise with them. anyways that wasn't his point.
so i got upset. i am NOT going to regret my baby. i think usually when we sin (e.g., told a lie) we can say to God, we know what we've done is wrong, ask for forgiveness and it is done, because God is a loving God. but this time i don't believe in my heart or soul i have sinned and i am not going to ask for Gods forgiveness for this child. I love God and I love my baby and i hope to raise her to know God. I have talked to God about this for years. and I feel like He is by my side in this part of my life just as in any other part of my life.
but with all this i also know the senior staff have sat around and talked about me. not including me, just sitting there judging. i am part of a huge church so to be a topic amongst the staff is NOT good.
I now feel unwelcome at my church. i feel like this 'sin' isn't going away. and its blatantly obvious. i have a giant belly growing. i feel like they aren't happy for me. they aren't proud of me for this, and that they look down on me. it makes me feel ashamed, and dirty. that i haven't been cleansed by forgiveness because i haven't asked for it.
heres what i know. i know i have a severe history. that since joining the church and learning about God i have become a better person. i give more of myself to others, to serving the church and its members, even friends of members who are struggling i have helped. and i have kept myself well for years now with the dream of having a baby. its always been a life long dream, always. but for many years i wasn't well enough. i KNOW i am. i know i want this baby with all i am and all i have. and i don't think I have sinned in having this baby.
At this point i refuse to repent. i refuse to say out loud or in any way that i regret this baby because i in NO WAY regret her.
so what this means for me and the church, well i don't know. at this point i have found out others are talking about it too, and i don't feel like i can trust them, i don't feel loved and supported, and i do NOT feel welcome. so even though its my group's turn to serve this week, i will not be there. That upsets me. I take serving very seriously, and take great pleasure in it.
it makes me sad to the core. but i am a little angry also. not gonna let ANYONE, not family, not friends, not church make me regret the best things thats ever happened in my life.
I love my little Coco girl, and her and my health comes first now.
My Journal
refusing to repent
By Lozie84 » Posted May. 8, 2013 4:25pm - 174 views - 7 comments
so at 18 weeks my church supervisor (well the pastor i work for) organised a meeting. we're upgrading our system, so i went in for a talk about how to do it. when i got there he talked happily about the baby, i was excited as usual. told him that her name is coco and is a girl etc. THEN bam. i get this talk about how they don't believe artificial insemination is right by God. That there should be a mum and a dad. that what i have done is a sin. they are concerned that there will be lots of discussion about it, and that people with strong views may come at me with things to say. he also said that some couples who have been trying for a long time and haven't had success may have feelings of anger driven by jealousy. that they have done everything the right way and have no baby and i have done it the wrong way and i do.
i tried explaining that i understand the feelings they experience. not because I've been doing it the "right way" but because i have had friends and family become pregnant for years when i have wanted NOTHIng More. and it DOES hurt. its confusing to try and understand why them and not me. etc. so i empathise with them. anyways that wasn't his point.
so i got upset. i am NOT going to regret my baby. i think usually when we sin (e.g., told a lie) we can say to God, we know what we've done is wrong, ask for forgiveness and it is done, because God is a loving God. but this time i don't believe in my heart or soul i have sinned and i am not going to ask for Gods forgiveness for this child. I love God and I love my baby and i hope to raise her to know God. I have talked to God about this for years. and I feel like He is by my side in this part of my life just as in any other part of my life.
but with all this i also know the senior staff have sat around and talked about me. not including me, just sitting there judging. i am part of a huge church so to be a topic amongst the staff is NOT good.
I now feel unwelcome at my church. i feel like this 'sin' isn't going away. and its blatantly obvious. i have a giant belly growing. i feel like they aren't happy for me. they aren't proud of me for this, and that they look down on me. it makes me feel ashamed, and dirty. that i haven't been cleansed by forgiveness because i haven't asked for it.
heres what i know. i know i have a severe history. that since joining the church and learning about God i have become a better person. i give more of myself to others, to serving the church and its members, even friends of members who are struggling i have helped. and i have kept myself well for years now with the dream of having a baby. its always been a life long dream, always. but for many years i wasn't well enough. i KNOW i am. i know i want this baby with all i am and all i have. and i don't think I have sinned in having this baby.
At this point i refuse to repent. i refuse to say out loud or in any way that i regret this baby because i in NO WAY regret her.
so what this means for me and the church, well i don't know. at this point i have found out others are talking about it too, and i don't feel like i can trust them, i don't feel loved and supported, and i do NOT feel welcome. so even though its my group's turn to serve this week, i will not be there. That upsets me. I take serving very seriously, and take great pleasure in it.
it makes me sad to the core. but i am a little angry also. not gonna let ANYONE, not family, not friends, not church make me regret the best things thats ever happened in my life.
I love my little Coco girl, and her and my health comes first now.
Comments for this Journal Entry
 | Comment from Lozie84 » Posted May. 11, 2013 4:29am I thought i had found a church where we werent judgemental like that. ive been there for 4 years and we have loved ans supported so many hundreds of ppl in different times and i thought is was such a different church. the "church people" you speak of memi sometimes make me ashamed to say i go to church etc. they poorly represent christians who i thought were giving and loving and selfless. im disappointed to think my church is not this kind of church after all. i dont know what to do about churches, i guess i'll ask God fro guidance on that one, and until then im gunna focus on keeping myself well and happy so coco can grow happy and healthy haha :p thanks again xx |
| Comment from Lozie84 » Posted May. 11, 2013 4:20am it raised by blood pressure too, and i went thru a box of kleenex from tears and shock. im feel more calm about it but am standing very firm in my belief. So thank you again all for being supportive and reminding me what a blessing my child is and shes my miracle girl <3 xxxx |
| Comment from Lozie84 » Posted May. 11, 2013 4:17am Aww thanks all for your comments. i have had lots of support from family/friends equally as shocked by the church's response. I dont feel like she is a sin, and i wont pretend for anyone that she is. I have spoken to my leaders about leaving. one of my leaders (who is alaso a dear friend and support) has asked me to meet with our senior pastor as she thinks the pastor who spoke to me didnt get the message across right and has involved his own morlas and judgements. even though all that happened he emailed my leader and wrote we had discussed the "sin child" his exact words. I dont have a problem with God. God has blessed me with this miracle and she is already the best thing that has ever happened. memei, they're not my employer, i just serve in kids ministry and work under him as he's the childrens ministry pastor. so im not going to church tomorrow. i will see how this other meeting goes. i feel like if im ready to walk away anyway what do i have to lose in talking to one m |
 | Comment from memi0828 » Posted May. 10, 2013 1:45pm Nothing worth having comes easy. That is nothing but the devil trying to steal your joy. Dont let them stress you out, that negative energy affects the baby and CoCo doesnt need that. I got my blood pressure up commenting on your post LOL. |
| Comment from memi0828 » Posted May. 10, 2013 1:43pm Whooaaa...Sorry you had to experience that. God wouldnt have seen you and Coco to 18 weeks is He thought she was a mistake . Think about all the medical scares you have overcome and she (Coco) is still growing and doing backflips. the pastor mentioned other couples being jealous well isnt envy a sin? You said you worked for that pastor, is it your employer or you were just doing work under his guidance, because there has to be some labor laws against someone crossing the boundaries like that. I believe in God but "church people" are the most judging, hypocrites out there. My father in law is a pastor ( he took over my mother in law' gradfather's church...so she is very familar with church as well). They have not spoken to my husband in over a year because he married me. They didnt approve of me because they think I'm hispanic . they are suppose to be spreading God's word. Lozie, Do you and CoCo and continue to be blessed. |
 | Comment from dmartin65 » Posted May. 9, 2013 11:11am That baby is not a sin. She is a miracle and blessing from God. Always remember that. |
 | Comment from stephpan » Posted May. 9, 2013 8:04am Having a child - however it happens is never a sin - it is true blessing. I'm sorry your church isn't being supportive of you. |
