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dayalove's Pregnancy
My Due Date: June 8, 2016I have given birth!
Location: Denver, United States
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Enemies I Knew From High School Are Visiting
By dayalove » Posted Nov. 20, 2015 2:07pm - 486 views - 0 comments
So maybe the word "enemies" is a little harsh. We get along just fine, as long as we don't see each other. We haven't seen each other in a few years, but just recently they've brought it upon themselves to crash on my couch until who knows how long. Their visits are ugly, embarrassing, and frankly hard to talk about. No amount of pushing or shoving will convince them to leave, and all I can do is cope.
Their names are Anxiety and Depression.
High School was the worst. I struggled with them through all four years, and even had to do the rest of my Senior year online because it got so bad. Once I graduated, I still had bouts of anxiety but they were nowhere near as bad as when I was in school. A year later after I graduated, I got out of my grandparents' house and got a job. Everything was looking up! My job allowed me to work on my anxiety issues and getting out of the apartment allowed me to think of other things rather than the looming sadness I had experienced nearly every day.
If you read my last journal entry, you would know that I had been put on bedrest. No work, no strenuous activity, nothing. Sitting in my apartment all day doing nothing has allowed the anxiety and depression to slowly creep back in my life. I have not been to work in about a month. I'm lucky if I leave the apartment once or twice a week. This leaves me all my waking hours, alone without my husband, to think myself into a deeper hole.
I'm a really big thinker. I think about all the what-ifs and every single possible outcome to my problems. I try to fix problems that are nearly unfixable (which is a very personal matter that I'd rather not dive into right now). This thinking gets me into a lot of trouble, emotionally and mentally.
In the past, my anxiety had several forms. Passing out and vomiting were the biggest things that could happen if I let myself have a panic attack. Several times I had passed out in the school bathrooms from an attack. At least I knew the warning signs so I could get there before it happened.
Recently, I went to go get my haircut. Sitting in that chair while someone cuts your hair can be strenuous for anyone, but if I go a period of time sitting still, doing absolutely nothing, you guessed it: panic attack. I start to feel sick to my stomach, and light headed. I think about trying to excuse myself so I can have a minute outside. Eventually I come to my senses and think, "this is all in your head. It's just your anxiety." But then I think, "what if it's not anxiety? What if there's really something wrong?" It's a never ending cycle of thoughts that I am all too familiar with. But I learn to calm myself down.
Living without anxiety doesn't mean it's completely gone. It still rears its ugly head every once in awhile, but you learn to catch yourself before your thoughts go to "something's wrong". Nothing's wrong. Everything's okay. You are fine. Your baby is fine. You weren't feeling this way ten seconds ago.
Depression, on the other hand, I have never learned how to catch before it arrives. Sometimes it comes on suddenly, and other times I will wake up feeling that way. It's much less severe than my High School days, but upsetting and worrying nevertheless.
I just hope my work calls me back soon, so I can start healing again.
My Journal
Enemies I Knew From High School Are Visiting
By dayalove » Posted Nov. 20, 2015 2:07pm - 486 views - 0 comments
So maybe the word "enemies" is a little harsh. We get along just fine, as long as we don't see each other. We haven't seen each other in a few years, but just recently they've brought it upon themselves to crash on my couch until who knows how long. Their visits are ugly, embarrassing, and frankly hard to talk about. No amount of pushing or shoving will convince them to leave, and all I can do is cope.
Their names are Anxiety and Depression.
High School was the worst. I struggled with them through all four years, and even had to do the rest of my Senior year online because it got so bad. Once I graduated, I still had bouts of anxiety but they were nowhere near as bad as when I was in school. A year later after I graduated, I got out of my grandparents' house and got a job. Everything was looking up! My job allowed me to work on my anxiety issues and getting out of the apartment allowed me to think of other things rather than the looming sadness I had experienced nearly every day.
If you read my last journal entry, you would know that I had been put on bedrest. No work, no strenuous activity, nothing. Sitting in my apartment all day doing nothing has allowed the anxiety and depression to slowly creep back in my life. I have not been to work in about a month. I'm lucky if I leave the apartment once or twice a week. This leaves me all my waking hours, alone without my husband, to think myself into a deeper hole.
I'm a really big thinker. I think about all the what-ifs and every single possible outcome to my problems. I try to fix problems that are nearly unfixable (which is a very personal matter that I'd rather not dive into right now). This thinking gets me into a lot of trouble, emotionally and mentally.
In the past, my anxiety had several forms. Passing out and vomiting were the biggest things that could happen if I let myself have a panic attack. Several times I had passed out in the school bathrooms from an attack. At least I knew the warning signs so I could get there before it happened.
Recently, I went to go get my haircut. Sitting in that chair while someone cuts your hair can be strenuous for anyone, but if I go a period of time sitting still, doing absolutely nothing, you guessed it: panic attack. I start to feel sick to my stomach, and light headed. I think about trying to excuse myself so I can have a minute outside. Eventually I come to my senses and think, "this is all in your head. It's just your anxiety." But then I think, "what if it's not anxiety? What if there's really something wrong?" It's a never ending cycle of thoughts that I am all too familiar with. But I learn to calm myself down.
Living without anxiety doesn't mean it's completely gone. It still rears its ugly head every once in awhile, but you learn to catch yourself before your thoughts go to "something's wrong". Nothing's wrong. Everything's okay. You are fine. Your baby is fine. You weren't feeling this way ten seconds ago.
Depression, on the other hand, I have never learned how to catch before it arrives. Sometimes it comes on suddenly, and other times I will wake up feeling that way. It's much less severe than my High School days, but upsetting and worrying nevertheless.
I just hope my work calls me back soon, so I can start healing again.
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