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loopygrl's Pregnancy
My Due Date: December 25, 2016I am postpartum » My due date was more than 2 weeks ago
Age: 42 years old
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Pregnancy Hormones and Grief
By loopygrl » Posted May. 12, 2016 8:22am - 613 views - 2 comments
I am not an outwardly emotional person. That doesn’t mean that I don’t feel I just seem to the kind of person that carries it all inside. There have been times when I have felt like I could barely breath because of the emotions that I was experiencing, but I wasn’t the type to cry. And when I did it was usually alone and purely for release. That all changed when my dad became sick. Not only the thought of losing him, but watching him deal with the struggles that came along with his ugly disease was just too much to hold back. In the very beginning he asked that we stay strong for him, at least in front of him, and in a way that helped me to keep it all together because as hard as it was to do so at times, it couldn’t possibly compare to the strength he showed throughout his fight. And though he never really had a chance, he never gave up hope. He wanted to live, and not just for himself, he wanted to live for us. The weeks following his death were hard, but they were full of distraction. There were plans to be made and things to be done and we were all wrapped up in a bubble of support from our family and friends. And after the funeral there was the daunting task of figuring out how to get back to some semblance of normalcy after months of being absolutely consumed in everything that came with his sickness. I’d find days would go by that I hadn’t cried and it started to feel like it was becoming a little easier. But this last week or two that all changed. The emotions come flooding back in two fold. I think about him all the time but I find it hard to dig back to memories before he became sick. And that’s not the way that I want to remember him at all. Even though it seemed our family was never closer than when he was sick I know that’s not true. I didn’t love or admire him any less before, if anything we just learned to express it more openly and more often.
Up until this point I have not been overly emotional/hormonal, no highs and lows, no mood swings, but there is this sadness that I can’t hold back and it’s always there just beneath the surface. Of course my dreams are vivid and he is often in them and I love that I get to see his face again, even if only in my dreams. It concerns me that my grief is making it seem as if I am not completely overjoyed about this baby because I am and I want it so badly, but with the heartache and loss that I have seen this year it’s hard not to worry that there is more in store. Like if I get overly excited or plan too far ahead I am afraid that the rug will get pulled from beneath me. I go for my first appointment and scan in 4 days and I hope that if everything is okay that will be enough to settle my fears , but I suspect no matter what I will have a long emotional road ahead dealing with both my hormones and my grief. All I can do is try to stay positive and believe that he is somewhere out there looking over me. (5/10)
My Journal
Pregnancy Hormones and Grief
By loopygrl » Posted May. 12, 2016 8:22am - 613 views - 2 comments
I am not an outwardly emotional person. That doesn’t mean that I don’t feel I just seem to the kind of person that carries it all inside. There have been times when I have felt like I could barely breath because of the emotions that I was experiencing, but I wasn’t the type to cry. And when I did it was usually alone and purely for release. That all changed when my dad became sick. Not only the thought of losing him, but watching him deal with the struggles that came along with his ugly disease was just too much to hold back. In the very beginning he asked that we stay strong for him, at least in front of him, and in a way that helped me to keep it all together because as hard as it was to do so at times, it couldn’t possibly compare to the strength he showed throughout his fight. And though he never really had a chance, he never gave up hope. He wanted to live, and not just for himself, he wanted to live for us. The weeks following his death were hard, but they were full of distraction. There were plans to be made and things to be done and we were all wrapped up in a bubble of support from our family and friends. And after the funeral there was the daunting task of figuring out how to get back to some semblance of normalcy after months of being absolutely consumed in everything that came with his sickness. I’d find days would go by that I hadn’t cried and it started to feel like it was becoming a little easier. But this last week or two that all changed. The emotions come flooding back in two fold. I think about him all the time but I find it hard to dig back to memories before he became sick. And that’s not the way that I want to remember him at all. Even though it seemed our family was never closer than when he was sick I know that’s not true. I didn’t love or admire him any less before, if anything we just learned to express it more openly and more often.
Up until this point I have not been overly emotional/hormonal, no highs and lows, no mood swings, but there is this sadness that I can’t hold back and it’s always there just beneath the surface. Of course my dreams are vivid and he is often in them and I love that I get to see his face again, even if only in my dreams. It concerns me that my grief is making it seem as if I am not completely overjoyed about this baby because I am and I want it so badly, but with the heartache and loss that I have seen this year it’s hard not to worry that there is more in store. Like if I get overly excited or plan too far ahead I am afraid that the rug will get pulled from beneath me. I go for my first appointment and scan in 4 days and I hope that if everything is okay that will be enough to settle my fears , but I suspect no matter what I will have a long emotional road ahead dealing with both my hormones and my grief. All I can do is try to stay positive and believe that he is somewhere out there looking over me. (5/10)
Comments for this Journal Entry
 | Comment from loopygrl » Posted May. 13, 2016 10:37am Thank you for your kind words. We were fortunate enough to have the time with him to say those things that are often left unsaid and I will always be grateful for that. Becoming pregnant so soon after his passing is bitter sweet. My Brother and his partner are also expecting this year, so while our babies will never get to meet one of the greatest men I've ever known we will have a new generation with which to share his memory with. I am very sorry for your loss as well, I know that age nor time can conquer such great loss. |
 | Comment from Anastasia99 » Posted May. 12, 2016 11:01pm Hi, I lost my father 12 years ago to a sudden massive heart attack. So I completely get where you are coming from. The loss is unbearable sometimes and I feel totally overwhelmed even after so many years! But there are other times that I am able to recall happy memories and laugh at silly shared jokes. We as a family, still talk about him often and I think it keeps us all sane! Here is a few quotes which gave me solace when I lost my dad, I hope it helps you too. "The sun goes down, yet it's warmth lingers on the land, The tide recedes, leaving behind bright sea shells in the sand, The music stops, yet it echoes on in sweet refrains, For every joy that passes, something beautiful remains." -Author unknown “Grief is like the ocean; it comes on waves ebbing and flowing. Sometimes the water is calm, and sometimes it is overwhelming. All we can do is learn to swim.” ? Vicki Harrison Stay strong and take care of yourself! |
