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babbosbabymama's Pregnancy
My Due Date: August 23, 2012I have given birth!
Age: 39 years old
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Week 9
By babbosbabymama » Posted Jan. 19, 2012 12:40pm - 329 views - 2 comments
Today I am 9 weeks. I am anxious to go back to the doctor in 2 weeks. I know I was just there last week but I am still nervous and scared something will go wrong. I'm probably worrying for nothing so I am just going to stop thinking about it.
I am starting to also feel scared. I think my mother knows but is waiting for me to say something. She keeps passing comments about people having babies when they shouldnt bc they arent 100% straight with a home that they own etc and she keeps passing comments about DH using my car while his is in the shop. I just cant stand it anymore and I just want to run away. I wish I could just pack up all my shit and leave and not come back until my baby is like 5 years old so she cant have shit to say. I know some days it bothers me more than other days but today is a really bad day when it comes to all that. I just dont know what to do anymore or what to say to her. I want to tell her and get it off my chest but I am scared that I will miscarry and if I miscarry then we wont be able to try again for a few years or else she will really flip out. I feel like a teenager who fucked up and got knocked up, not a 27 year old married woman who has been with her husband almost 9 years and planned this. I should not have to feel like this. I hate that I have to care about what she thinks and worry about her disappointment. I should just not care but I cant bc she is my mother and no matter how shitty she makes me feel, i always want her approval. I know things will work out but I dont feel like I should hve to sit here and stress over this!! I hate keeping secrets from her, I hate lying to her I wish i could confide in her and have her support but I just wont get that. We live in her house and pay her rent and I just want out. I want to get our own place. I dont want to be there with her anymore. I want to do all of this before i tell her but right now, honestly the money could be used for way better things bc i am going to loose my job sooner than I thought. My patient is now being given morphine which means weeks for him to live at best. If he passes, the bulk of my income will be gone too. iz just dont know what to do anymore. Im feeling really stressed out.
I know I should wait until my next dr appointment ot be sure all is well before saying anything to her and i probably will but I really just dont want to think about it anymore. I just want to get it over with. Its just too much pressure for me to be under right now. And its not necissary pressure. I dont deserve to be ashamed of something that we wanted so badly. This is the happiest time of my life and its being ruined. I also know that after i tell her she will continually have some shit to say for the next few months about everything... suddenly my car wont be good enough and my job wont be good enough and DH will surely have something he isnt doing right. She will never understand the happiness i feel bc she will be too busy worrying about all the little stuff that didnt even go wrong yet!! She drives me crazy bc I have my own things I am worried about, real things like my health and the health of my little one, not that my car has 130,000 miles on it and it might brake one day and then what will i do with the baby.... lol thats the kind of shit she will pump my head with, stress me out over things that didnt even happen yet. I know enough to be prepared and I am prepared. Her definition of prepared is a little different than mine though and that will never change. I guess I will just have to play this by ear and try to not let it consume me, try not to feel guilty bc i shouldnt feel guilty and just try to relax and enjoy my pregnancy, say my prayers at night and hope for some kind of miracle where she doesnt tear me to pieces when I do tell her. When the timing is right I will know. I just hope that she doesnt react the way i think she will... God help us!!
My Journal
Week 9
By babbosbabymama » Posted Jan. 19, 2012 12:40pm - 329 views - 2 comments
Today I am 9 weeks. I am anxious to go back to the doctor in 2 weeks. I know I was just there last week but I am still nervous and scared something will go wrong. I'm probably worrying for nothing so I am just going to stop thinking about it.
I am starting to also feel scared. I think my mother knows but is waiting for me to say something. She keeps passing comments about people having babies when they shouldnt bc they arent 100% straight with a home that they own etc and she keeps passing comments about DH using my car while his is in the shop. I just cant stand it anymore and I just want to run away. I wish I could just pack up all my shit and leave and not come back until my baby is like 5 years old so she cant have shit to say. I know some days it bothers me more than other days but today is a really bad day when it comes to all that. I just dont know what to do anymore or what to say to her. I want to tell her and get it off my chest but I am scared that I will miscarry and if I miscarry then we wont be able to try again for a few years or else she will really flip out. I feel like a teenager who fucked up and got knocked up, not a 27 year old married woman who has been with her husband almost 9 years and planned this. I should not have to feel like this. I hate that I have to care about what she thinks and worry about her disappointment. I should just not care but I cant bc she is my mother and no matter how shitty she makes me feel, i always want her approval. I know things will work out but I dont feel like I should hve to sit here and stress over this!! I hate keeping secrets from her, I hate lying to her I wish i could confide in her and have her support but I just wont get that. We live in her house and pay her rent and I just want out. I want to get our own place. I dont want to be there with her anymore. I want to do all of this before i tell her but right now, honestly the money could be used for way better things bc i am going to loose my job sooner than I thought. My patient is now being given morphine which means weeks for him to live at best. If he passes, the bulk of my income will be gone too. iz just dont know what to do anymore. Im feeling really stressed out.
I know I should wait until my next dr appointment ot be sure all is well before saying anything to her and i probably will but I really just dont want to think about it anymore. I just want to get it over with. Its just too much pressure for me to be under right now. And its not necissary pressure. I dont deserve to be ashamed of something that we wanted so badly. This is the happiest time of my life and its being ruined. I also know that after i tell her she will continually have some shit to say for the next few months about everything... suddenly my car wont be good enough and my job wont be good enough and DH will surely have something he isnt doing right. She will never understand the happiness i feel bc she will be too busy worrying about all the little stuff that didnt even go wrong yet!! She drives me crazy bc I have my own things I am worried about, real things like my health and the health of my little one, not that my car has 130,000 miles on it and it might brake one day and then what will i do with the baby.... lol thats the kind of shit she will pump my head with, stress me out over things that didnt even happen yet. I know enough to be prepared and I am prepared. Her definition of prepared is a little different than mine though and that will never change. I guess I will just have to play this by ear and try to not let it consume me, try not to feel guilty bc i shouldnt feel guilty and just try to relax and enjoy my pregnancy, say my prayers at night and hope for some kind of miracle where she doesnt tear me to pieces when I do tell her. When the timing is right I will know. I just hope that she doesnt react the way i think she will... God help us!!
Comments for this Journal Entry
 | Comment from babbosbabymama » Posted Jan. 21, 2012 9:02am Thanks Erica! :) I need it!!! |
 | Comment from proudmamaerica » Posted Jan. 20, 2012 7:53pm BIG HUGS!! |
