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Category: Relationships During Pregnancy

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Q: Should I stay or get out now?

My boyfriend is an alcoholic. At the end of 2011 I gave him the ultimatum of completely quitting drinking, or saying good bye to me forever. He decided to quit. It didn't take long though and soon he began to constantly ask if he could have 'just one drink'. Of course I always said no, and as far as I could tell he respected that. At the time we were always at work or always together, and he never went out with his friends. But starting in September he started going out every single weekend with his friends, and would stay out all night long, often not coming home until 2-6 am. Almost immediately I started to think he was drinking again. Some nights he smelt like maybe he was drinking and other nights he just seemed a little too relaxed. I have been trying to give him the benefit of the doubt, so I always ask him up front if he drank anything. He admitted once to have a non alcholic beer, but honestly I don't think I believe him. CONTINUED...

This question was asked Nov. 6, 2012 1:59pm
Category: Relationships During Pregnancy

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Answers (14)

Answered by a member - Nov. 6, 2012 3:08pm

Honey, your not over-reacting. Your thinking about your baby who will be here so soon. Thats what a great mother does. He doesnt sound like a bad guy at all, I just think he maybe enjoys a drink with his friends, however lying to you about it just is not on. I know exactly what you mean about not wanting to let him away with it because he might think he can do it again and again.. In the first few months of my relationship with DF I let him away with everything because I love him so much, but its now at the point where he doesnt listen to me at all because he knows I cant give him an ultimatem and keep to it as I always give in. I think its a guy thing being honest, my DF sometimes finds it hard to tell me things that have gone on because he doesnt want me to get upset with him and stress out. The sad reality is we are left with, would we rather be told and be hurt or would we rather it was kept a secret and then when we find out the DF are liars? Its difficult. X

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Answered by Charlotte17 - Nov. 6, 2012 3:40pm

Oh my gosh I'm so sorry you're having to deal with something like that, especially so late in your pregnancy!

I completely agree with you that the real issue is how he's handling the drinking (ie doing it behind your back and not being honest with you or respecting your wishes). The fact that he knows how you feel and is doing it anyway is a HUGE red flag to me. To me, that ruins trust and trust is so important. You need to be able to trust that you know what kind of man he is and that he is the same person to your face that he is when you're not around.

If it were me, I would tell him that I felt like he was being dishonest and not staying true to his word and that is not the kind of father I want for my child. He will be setting an example for your baby and that doesn't sound like a good one. Even though it would be hard, I would tell him he needs to change or the relationship is over.

Good luck and stay strong! Do what's best for you and your little one! Hugs!

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Answered by kCharleneS - Dec. 24, 2012 10:29am

that he was sober and that he was doing great, but my uncle came back into town and Dad was drinking in secret. We only knew when my step mom and sister found the beer cans in the shed and when he ran out of town to Nevada from Washington because he had failed a UA while on probation for drinking and driving. I feel for you very much and I am so sorry that you have to go through this. Just know that you have tons of support. Good luck and have a Merry Christmas.

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Answered by a member - Nov. 6, 2012 2:12pm

First of all sweety, im so sorry you are going through this at 39 weeks pregnant! Your DH should not be putting this stress on you. Second of all, you should NOT feel ashamed, this is not your fault. Third of all there is nothing in this world that he could possibly say to make what he's doing to you and his unborn baby okay because its not. What I would personally do is not as much confront him as you don't need the stress of an argument but I would talk to him. Explain to him that unless he bucks up, you and baby are out of there. Im really sorry to have to say this but he really should care more for his baby and for you. On the other hand, he may have a drinking problem? Maybe the stress of becoming a father is to much for him and alcohol is a way out of having to think about it? Your baby deserves a loving father, not an alcoholic. Im so sorry you are feeling so crushed sweety, its such a sad situation to be in days before giving birth to your little one. I wish you luck. xx

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Answered by a member - Nov. 7, 2012 10:27pm

In our situation when I call him an alcoholic I mean it was so bad he couldn't make it through the day without having a drink. And it was never just A drink, the goal was always to get drunk. I understand a drink or two after a hard days work, or going out every once in a while and having a good time but his drinking was much, much more than just that. The issue with him staying out as last as he does is three things: he tells he he will be home sooner, and we have agreed its not okay to come home at 5 am. Second when he goes out he doesn't keep in contact with me at all, not that I'm controlling, but it is nice to know what's going on even if it's just a 'hey, just checking in, I won't be home in time to join you for bed' would be just fine. Lastly is is that if the tables were switched, it would be a very, very big deal that I stayed out all night (especially if I didn't communicate with him at all).

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Answered by a member - Nov. 7, 2012 10:37pm

I absolutely do not doubt for a second that he would be a good father. But this is a matter of being a good partner. We our own agreements and ways to make things work, and lying and going behind my back is not part of that. We are very open and very involved with each other, so being sneaky isn't acceptable. He would 100% would not like me staying out all night, and then lying to him about it. I expect the same from him. And staying out all night when you have a baby to be taking care of is not acceptable either. This is our baby, so that means WE take care of it, not just me. I told him up front if he wanted to drink he sure as well could, but he knew that if he didn I would leave. It wasn't and is not a theat it's completely and utterly upfront. I came in second to alcohol for 3 years, and I will not be dealing with that now that there's a baby in the picture.

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Answered by a member - Nov. 6, 2012 2:21pm

WEve been together since 2008 and he drank heavily up our entire relationship until this year. I know it wasn't easy for him to quit, and I was so proud of him for quitting cold turkey. We have had a lot of talks resently and I know it really is just starting to hit him that we really are having a baby. And other than him going out on The weekends (and drinking?) he has been a great boyfriend to me. I have no doubts that he will be a good dad. But the point is is that he's not only lying to me, but he's lying to me about something he knows is a deal breaker at this point. Or maybe I'm not giving him enough slack? I don't know. If he is drinking again is not directly hindering our relationship, but I still don't think I should let it slide. I just wish I knew what the right thing to do is.

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Answered by a member - Nov. 6, 2012 2:30pm

I can totally understand what your saying.. other than the alcohol or more the lying about the alcohol everything else with you's is well? Ive also been with my DF since 2008, its a long time isnt it? If he's going to be a great father and he is a great DH then I cant see why you's can sort things out. What about another long chat and maybe just express to him that your happy with him maybe going out once a week and he's okay to have a drink but not get intoxicated? Anymore than that and you cant comprimise? Or something like that.. I dont think if he's going to be a good dad then theres any reason for you to leave unless you are unhappy? I didnt have my father growing up due to drugs and it sucks! At the end of the day, lying to you and making you feel sad just isnt on so something has to change. I know you aleady now this though, maybe he's not wanting to tell you he's drinking again because he doesnt want to upset you? Xxx

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Answered by Charlotte17 - Nov. 6, 2012 7:47pm

My initial response was out of protection for you and your baby if he truly is an alcoholic. If you don't think it's a dangerous situation, you should definitely just talk to him about finding a compromise that you're both happy with so he doesn't feel the need to sneak around and you don't feel like you're being lied to.

Have you thought about sitting down with him and setting some ground rules that you're both comfortable with? If you really feel like he is an alcoholic then you need to be really careful, but if you think he could manage his drinking then maybe you could find some kind of compromise that works for you. Maybe something like he's able to go out one weekend night a week but you'd prefer that he comes home by a certain time. Or maybe ask that he checks in with you while he's out and is more open with what he's doing.

I normally hate ultimatums, but if you really feel like he has a serious drinking problem you have to do what you have to do.

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Answered by a member - Nov. 6, 2012 4:40pm

i dont think your over reacting but i wouldnt call it quits and say hes not going to be a good father because of this. men are not perfect. and most do lie, their girlfriends just dont know it. I would bring it up to him and let him know its not alright, especially with the baby coming so soon. I tend to go a little easier on my husband these days as far as going out, etc, because i know once babys here it will be a LONG time before there is any time for that stuff.
the way i see it... you are unsure if he was even drinking right? so if he was getting smashed drunk, you would definitely be able to tell. if hes going out with his friends and coming home without being able to detect any alcohol on him, then hes doing a darn good job at either saying no or containing himself to 1 or 2 drinks. and that can be hard when out at the bar with friends so i think u should give him some credit. hes not coming home day after day loaded drunk and passing out.

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