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Category: Relationships During Pregnancy

Asked by n-larock

Q: How to handle this situation...

My fiance and I are due in April and our baby-shower is this Sunday. I am trying my hardest to get his family involved as well since the baby isn't actually blood-related to them... but they just seem so unintrested. A couple months behind me is my fiance's older-brother's biological child (they are due in July I believe) with his girlfriend. They seem to be getting a loooot of attention from his family. For instance, his mother (my soon-to-be mother-in-law) is throwing her shower. Now, that being said, I sent out invites over a month ago to my shower and hand-delivered his older siblings thier invites as well as his mother's invite. Everyone plans to take a day off for his brother's shower, but not one of his family members will be attending our shower due to "work"... it kind of bugs me a lot... and I can tell it hurts my fiance... How would you handle this situation???

This question was asked Feb. 14, 2013 2:57am
Category: Relationships During Pregnancy

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Answers (12)

Answered by Carenda1219 - Feb. 16, 2013 4:00pm

see now if you would have stated that in the beginning there would have been much less confusion. As i stated in my previous response if the pregnancy was known when you guys started dating and his family just now is being so cold toward you then well, fuck em. If they can not be happy for you then they do not need to be in the lives of you and your family. Maybe in time they will come around but until then, stop including them so you can stop feeling so crummy when they turn you down anyway.

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Answered by n-larock - Feb. 15, 2013 6:13pm

I met my fiance when I was 3 months pregnant and about 2 months after we met we were dating and he's been living with me and taking on parenting ever since. My fiance's parents were told off the bat that I was definetly pregnant and it definetly wan't with my fiance. Everything was fine at first, but noooow I am seeing the scruteny. We recently got engaged and right around that time the bio-father decided to completly drop out of his son's life.

My fiance is a great man and I love him dearly and have a loooot of respect for him and really realize how much he is walking into. He loves it because he had miscarraiges with his ex a couple years ago and had been ready to become a father then. Now that his son is almost here, although through blood it isn't his, he just wants his family (soon to be my family this Aug) to be excited, too.

There ya go.

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Answered by n-larock - Feb. 15, 2013 6:08pm

Okay... so I used the wrong wording because I have faced a lot of issues on this site already with judgemental people.

The situation that I became pregnant with someone who isn't my fiance really didn't influence this situation.

Since I am sure many of you are probably inferring something much worse than what actually came about, I will feed the curiousity and explain the situation.

I was with the biological dad for 4 months of hell. The bio-dad was a scumbag and I drank with him one night (which I do regret) and ended up having sex with him. I found out I was pregnant about 2 months later once our relationship was already crap. I tried to work with him, but as everyone has stated, you can't change people. He would not put his son before drinking and smoking (illegally) and so we ended it there so Michael would be safer. cont.

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Answered by FirstTimeMommyx0 - Feb. 15, 2013 12:04am

I deff agree with the previous answers.. I wouldnt say anything to them but your finace should deff sit down and talk to them.. Also, if they dont come around soon, Im sure once the babys born they will, after seeing your fiance being a father.. maybe its just too shocking for them and just need time to accept it.. good luck!

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Answered by StephyRenee - Feb. 14, 2013 4:39pm

I would let your fiance handle this. After all, it is his family. Maybe if he sat down with them and explained that it upsets him that they aren't taking in interest in his child's life (even if it's not biologically his). He should tell them that it takes a whole lot more than DNA to be the father of child. Maybe if he explained to them his feelings they would be more apt to come around, since they care for him (and hopefully you and the child as well). If that doesn't seem like it'd work, then I agree with another poster who said they might come around after the baby is born and are able to hold them. That seems to be the case in my family.

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Answered by kelsamagoo - Feb. 14, 2013 3:36pm

This might not be the most helpful answer depending on your faith, but have you prayed about it? Sometimes God makes "impossible" situations work out in ways we never would have expected.
It is hard to give any specific advice without knowing the whole situation, but general good rules are to be humble, forgiving, loving, patient and honest. You can't control how your in-laws feel, but you can control your own feelings and actions and by doing so and always striving for a relationship, you may work through this, and if not, you'll at least feel freer and won't have to bear the weight of all the negativity.

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Answered by Carenda1219 - Feb. 14, 2013 1:28pm

I have to be honest with you, i do not think you should ask such a question if you are not willing to be completely honest about the situation. If you say that the reason your fiance is not the bio-father would outrage people on here then what makes you think that his family is not outraged and not just downright hate you but are being as nice as they can be? It is horrible that they are acting the way they are, but they might have good reason to be. If the child was conceived because you cheated and he just forgave you and is willing to care for this child and his family knows then well....I think i would find it very hard as a family member to be so accepting. Now if you were preggo when you met, and he knew it that is a different story and they have no right to be so upset.

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Answered by Kimmiecat - Feb. 14, 2013 12:49pm

You can't force them to be happy for you, but you can give them the opportunity to behave like nice people. They probably feel very disconnected from this child because it isn't "their family." The politics of step relations can be extremely complicated and more than a little hurtful.

Good luck! I hope they come around at some point, but do be prepared to guard your heart and protect your child if they don't.

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Answered by -Lee-B - Feb. 14, 2013 12:28pm

Sadly there is not much you can do. Keep extending invites to be a part of your child's life but that's all you can do. Hopefully once baby is here and more "real" to them they will come around and accept the child as family. It may take them even longer to see that your fiance is indeed the father so just keep the door open for them to accept it on their own time and hopefully in the long run it will all come together.

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Answered by tmd2992 - Feb. 14, 2013 11:58am

Im sorry to hear that you are going through this and I wish there was a way to help. I know how upsetting it can be to let "biological" relations get in the way of a relationship with in-laws. I think by bringing up the situation to your in-laws could only end in false apologies and an uncomfortable setting when you are around. They may also get very defensive. All in all as much as it sucks, especially for your fiance, to reduce risk of making a bad situation worse, I would just say nothing.

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