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josamarie's Pregnancy
My Due Date: February 2, 2016I have given birth!
Age: 37 years old
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The end of nursing and momma mourning
By josamarie » Posted Sep. 23, 2015 11:21pm - 343 views - 7 comments
I've been blessed with a wonderful breastfeeding experience with my son. It hasn't been without its hiccups (like the horrid awful staph infection in my left side that landed us in the er in my-boob-is-going-to-explode pain and kept me on antibiotics for 4 straight months), but I was fortunate to have a great supply and his lip tie never caused us any problems, so it's been relatively smooth sailing and so easy in comparison with so many moms I know who struggled so much. I am really truly grateful and feel so blessed to have been able to experience it.
I always wanted when we ended our nursing journey to be Max's call, and settled in for the long haul. He night weaned on his own at 11 months (and finally started sleeping through the night 2 weeks later...hallelujah!), and cut down from 6-7 times a day to 4 by a year, when I got my period back. He further decreased to 2 and bam, bfp at 14 months old. He's held steady with the morning and night sessions though, and I've been following his cue and just flowing with it despite the clinic staff feeling very uncomfortable with it (the ob thinks it's fine, so I never let it bother me). Last week he started refusing in the morning, and I was sad but we were still hanging onto that one nighttime nursing/snuggle until a few days ago.
I rushed him a little on Saturday night, dinking around on my phone and not paying much attention to him until I started getting sore after about 6 minutes, and I pulled him off not thinking anything about it. Then Sunday and Monday nights, total refusal. I was devastated! If I'd known it was going to be our last time I would have savored it, payed attention, not rushed him... But that's the thing about last times, you never know they've happened until it's too late. I've really mourned the loss for a couple days, I was a little shocked by how sad I am, since I always wanted it to be his choice. He's asked a couple of times since, but loses interest after a minute or so, and I realized this morning that I'm almost completely dried up. I know that's normal and happens to a lot of moms once they hit 20 weeks (I mean seriously, it's like freaking clockwork over here), but I wasn't emotionally prepared for it, and with all the stinking hormones I've got going on, that really started the waterworks!
I guess it's hard for me to accept that my baby isn't a baby anymore. We wanted him so bad, tried so hard, and I worried and obsessed through every second of my pregnancy. Now he's getting to be such a big boy and needs me for less and less necessities. He doesn't need me to eat, not even to help (he'll use his own spoon, dammit), and even has little mini-chores (he starts the dishwasher and puts his laundry in the hamper by himself). I know I'm going to get to experience it all again soon, and in some exciting new ways with a little girl, but there is something so bittersweet about watching your first baby grow into a toddler, ready and excited to be a big boy and a big brother!
The photo is of him and my husband, practicing feeding and being gentle with the baby doll. It makes my heart swell with pride and break all at the same time!
My Journal
The end of nursing and momma mourning
By josamarie » Posted Sep. 23, 2015 11:21pm - 343 views - 7 comments
I've been blessed with a wonderful breastfeeding experience with my son. It hasn't been without its hiccups (like the horrid awful staph infection in my left side that landed us in the er in my-boob-is-going-to-explode pain and kept me on antibiotics for 4 straight months), but I was fortunate to have a great supply and his lip tie never caused us any problems, so it's been relatively smooth sailing and so easy in comparison with so many moms I know who struggled so much. I am really truly grateful and feel so blessed to have been able to experience it.
I always wanted when we ended our nursing journey to be Max's call, and settled in for the long haul. He night weaned on his own at 11 months (and finally started sleeping through the night 2 weeks later...hallelujah!), and cut down from 6-7 times a day to 4 by a year, when I got my period back. He further decreased to 2 and bam, bfp at 14 months old. He's held steady with the morning and night sessions though, and I've been following his cue and just flowing with it despite the clinic staff feeling very uncomfortable with it (the ob thinks it's fine, so I never let it bother me). Last week he started refusing in the morning, and I was sad but we were still hanging onto that one nighttime nursing/snuggle until a few days ago.
I rushed him a little on Saturday night, dinking around on my phone and not paying much attention to him until I started getting sore after about 6 minutes, and I pulled him off not thinking anything about it. Then Sunday and Monday nights, total refusal. I was devastated! If I'd known it was going to be our last time I would have savored it, payed attention, not rushed him... But that's the thing about last times, you never know they've happened until it's too late. I've really mourned the loss for a couple days, I was a little shocked by how sad I am, since I always wanted it to be his choice. He's asked a couple of times since, but loses interest after a minute or so, and I realized this morning that I'm almost completely dried up. I know that's normal and happens to a lot of moms once they hit 20 weeks (I mean seriously, it's like freaking clockwork over here), but I wasn't emotionally prepared for it, and with all the stinking hormones I've got going on, that really started the waterworks!
I guess it's hard for me to accept that my baby isn't a baby anymore. We wanted him so bad, tried so hard, and I worried and obsessed through every second of my pregnancy. Now he's getting to be such a big boy and needs me for less and less necessities. He doesn't need me to eat, not even to help (he'll use his own spoon, dammit), and even has little mini-chores (he starts the dishwasher and puts his laundry in the hamper by himself). I know I'm going to get to experience it all again soon, and in some exciting new ways with a little girl, but there is something so bittersweet about watching your first baby grow into a toddler, ready and excited to be a big boy and a big brother!
The photo is of him and my husband, practicing feeding and being gentle with the baby doll. It makes my heart swell with pride and break all at the same time!
Comments for this Journal Entry
 | Comment from CrystalB88 » Posted Sep. 28, 2015 3:26pm Oh my josa, I can totally relate with how fast Tim is growing. Your journal made me realize that I need to stop wanting to rush out of those night time breastfeeding sessions.... I've just been so ready for Tim to wean himself, ready for him to sleep through the night without needing to breastfeed and learn to nap/sleep by himself that it didn't even occur to me how I'd feel when he did start rejecting those sessions... I'm more grateful for it now, thank you, as I know it will end soon. Tim does so much on his own now, too, except sleep, so now I want to hold onto that for as long as I can before it's weaning time... no matter how badly I might want to sleep through the night before our newborn arrives! It really is bittersweet watching them grow up so fast, especially after trying to long and hard and going through so much to have them... |
 | Comment from aprilluvsmoz » Posted Sep. 25, 2015 10:55am It is so sad, I was realizing today how much my baby has changed. He doesnt want to be cradled anymore and he wants to stand up and sit on his own and he is only 10 months. The other people are right though you've created a bond with him and it will continue to grow. |
 | Comment from josamarie » Posted Sep. 25, 2015 9:36am Thank you all, it's been just a weirdly emotional week and this hit me harder than I expected. But where there's a storm there's always a rainbow... Max also said "I love you" for the first time this week! |
 | Comment from stephc2010 » Posted Sep. 25, 2015 8:42am Your journal entry nearly brought me to tears! I am still breastfeeding my 13 month old on demand and it makes me sad to think she'll probably wean during this pregnancy. I've always said that I was planning to nurse her until she self weaned. As painful as it is to nurse right now, I am trying to savor every moment! This pregnancy was a surprise, so I've been dealing with a lot of emotions. Shock, fear, happiness, guilt that I won't get to spend more time with her as an only child... I would really love to tandem nurse, so I'm hoping she won't wean. She's currently nursing right now and playing peek-a-boo with my shirt :) |
| Comment from ericalee » Posted Sep. 24, 2015 10:15am Aw, every last time is going to be so bittersweet. I remember I always wanted to videotape how Elle stretched and got this old grandpa look on her face when we took her out of the swaddle in the morning.. and we kept forgetting... and then she broke out of the swaddle on her own before we ever could tape it and I was so sad I wouldn't have it on tape to watch over and over again. You're such a great mom. Max is so lucky to have you!! The breastfeeding may be over, but the close bond you've created will always be there. Love you!! |
 | Comment from pbc910 » Posted Sep. 24, 2015 8:07am I hope that I am able to nurse without too many complications and hoping to do it for the first year. I can imagine how much of a wonderful bonding experience it is and how hard it will be when those days come to an end! It's sad too to realize your little one is becoming a big boy but it sounds like he is going to be a fabulous big brother and a great help to his mom! |
 | Comment from Amanda_McDaniel » Posted Sep. 24, 2015 6:28am #Parenting #YoureDoingItRight I was only able to breastfeed for four months even though I had hoped for a year. My milk inexplicably dried up, even though I was breastfeeding or pumping like clockwork... My breasts never really grew in pregnancy but they have this time around so I hope it's a good sign... But, beyond that, our job as mothers is to put ourselves out of a job. |
