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acrichton's Pregnancy
My Due Date: July 28, 2014I have given birth!
Age: 40 years old
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Mothers.
By acrichton » Posted Jan. 29, 2014 9:20am - 247 views - 7 comments
My mother and I have never had the best relationship. It was just the two of us, so you can imagine once I hit my teen years it was a daily struggle to just exist in the same house together. I know we were both miserable. Me and my teen angst, my mom and her wishing to control me and hang on to me in any way possible, out of fear she could lose me to some crazy drug or alcohol world. Luckily, I had a better head on my shoulders and decided to have fun but responsible and not throw my life in the toilet.
Once I moved out at 19, our relationship was still rocky, but I started to see a small glimmer of hope that one day we could have a decent relationship, after all, I am her only child and she is my mom. I went to college part time, and worked full time, until 7 years later I finally graduated with B.S. degree that I worked my ass off for.
As the years have gone by, our relationship has continued to be a struggle. Since getting married, things have been better and our respect for each other has grown. But we still can't usually see eye to eye, and despite the fact that I try to confide in her over and over again, I am shot down when she disagrees and pulls the victim card ("what about me???")
Recently, the prospect of a potential move to Michigan for my husband and I has sent her into a tailspin. She does not want us to move, especially now not with a baby on the way. And believe me, I understand this completely. I get it. I don't want to be alone in a state where I know no one, with a newborn. But sometimes...that is the way life goes.
There is just a whole other side to this wanting to move thing. We live in NJ. It is one of the most expensive states to live in, and we live in the most expensive county in the state. Our mortgage is $2500 and we have a small 3BR cape code. And thanks to my asshole parents decision to never save for my college, I owe $30,000 in student loans. Yes, my husband and I chose to buy a house. Interest rates were super low so we jumped in. I do not regret it. BUT, after going over all our numbers my husband and I will never be able to save a $1 for our child's college or even be able to make ends meet if we stay here. I can't afford to stay home, but working will not cover expenses. We are up to our asses in debt.
My husband got the recent opportunity to consider moving to Michigan. It is COLD AS SHIT and yes I am not looking forward to that...but, if we move, our child can have a life that I did not have. They will at least have some money for college, and we can live in a comfortable home and maybe even grow our family to 4 instead of 3.
There are dreams that we can have somewhere else. We will never have that here and I don't even know how we will make ends meet in NJ.
I am so lost. I feel like shit and I wish my husband's company would make a decision about who they are hiring for NJ so he can either take the job here or move on to something better in another state.
I am ready to go. I will miss our family. But the family I am growing, and the baby inside me, means more to me than anything I could ever imagine.
But where my mom is concerned is that despite her feeling hurt that I actually want to move, she can't support me and our needs financially. She can't put her feelings aside and support my husband and I during a difficult time. I need my family to support us. I need them to love us and not be mad that we are hoping that we can move somewhere more financially stable. She accused me of being selfish and said that money is not everything. But to me...making the best life for my family IS everything to me and I will do whatever it takes to care for my child, love them, and set up a future for them. I never had that. I wont let them be the poor kid like I was. It hurts to much to be the poor kid. And where we live, despite the fact that my husband and I make a nice living, our child WILL STILL be the poor kid. And that is something I don't wish on anyone.
My Journal
Mothers.
By acrichton » Posted Jan. 29, 2014 9:20am - 247 views - 7 comments
My mother and I have never had the best relationship. It was just the two of us, so you can imagine once I hit my teen years it was a daily struggle to just exist in the same house together. I know we were both miserable. Me and my teen angst, my mom and her wishing to control me and hang on to me in any way possible, out of fear she could lose me to some crazy drug or alcohol world. Luckily, I had a better head on my shoulders and decided to have fun but responsible and not throw my life in the toilet.
Once I moved out at 19, our relationship was still rocky, but I started to see a small glimmer of hope that one day we could have a decent relationship, after all, I am her only child and she is my mom. I went to college part time, and worked full time, until 7 years later I finally graduated with B.S. degree that I worked my ass off for.
As the years have gone by, our relationship has continued to be a struggle. Since getting married, things have been better and our respect for each other has grown. But we still can't usually see eye to eye, and despite the fact that I try to confide in her over and over again, I am shot down when she disagrees and pulls the victim card ("what about me???")
Recently, the prospect of a potential move to Michigan for my husband and I has sent her into a tailspin. She does not want us to move, especially now not with a baby on the way. And believe me, I understand this completely. I get it. I don't want to be alone in a state where I know no one, with a newborn. But sometimes...that is the way life goes.
There is just a whole other side to this wanting to move thing. We live in NJ. It is one of the most expensive states to live in, and we live in the most expensive county in the state. Our mortgage is $2500 and we have a small 3BR cape code. And thanks to my asshole parents decision to never save for my college, I owe $30,000 in student loans. Yes, my husband and I chose to buy a house. Interest rates were super low so we jumped in. I do not regret it. BUT, after going over all our numbers my husband and I will never be able to save a $1 for our child's college or even be able to make ends meet if we stay here. I can't afford to stay home, but working will not cover expenses. We are up to our asses in debt.
My husband got the recent opportunity to consider moving to Michigan. It is COLD AS SHIT and yes I am not looking forward to that...but, if we move, our child can have a life that I did not have. They will at least have some money for college, and we can live in a comfortable home and maybe even grow our family to 4 instead of 3.
There are dreams that we can have somewhere else. We will never have that here and I don't even know how we will make ends meet in NJ.
I am so lost. I feel like shit and I wish my husband's company would make a decision about who they are hiring for NJ so he can either take the job here or move on to something better in another state.
I am ready to go. I will miss our family. But the family I am growing, and the baby inside me, means more to me than anything I could ever imagine.
But where my mom is concerned is that despite her feeling hurt that I actually want to move, she can't support me and our needs financially. She can't put her feelings aside and support my husband and I during a difficult time. I need my family to support us. I need them to love us and not be mad that we are hoping that we can move somewhere more financially stable. She accused me of being selfish and said that money is not everything. But to me...making the best life for my family IS everything to me and I will do whatever it takes to care for my child, love them, and set up a future for them. I never had that. I wont let them be the poor kid like I was. It hurts to much to be the poor kid. And where we live, despite the fact that my husband and I make a nice living, our child WILL STILL be the poor kid. And that is something I don't wish on anyone.
Comments for this Journal Entry
 | Comment from emmapeal9 » Posted Jan. 29, 2014 6:42pm Yes, Jennavee, come to Seattle! :) |
 | Comment from acrichton » Posted Jan. 29, 2014 12:01pm Thank you so much for the support, you girls are amazing. I had no idea there could be so many people with these same struggles. You are such an wonderful group of ladies. All we can do is be the best moms possible and learn from our relationships with our moms. Jennavee: I can totally relate to you. Christmas is a hot button issue every year for my mother and I, and I practically had to invite my mom to Delaware this year myself because she was insistent that she spend Christmas with us and my in-laws. Thankfully my mother in law is a doll and put a beautiful Christmas together for everyone, even put my mom up in a nice hotel down the road so she would have her own space to do as she needs, and only be a quick drive to the house. Still wasn't good enough as she complained she would have to "sleep alone in a hotel Christmas eve", but in the end it was fine. At least if we move the Christmas issue will get easier, as we will invite people to visit us where we move. |
 | Comment from jennavee » Posted Jan. 29, 2014 11:48am I can relate to your struggles with your mom and moving. My mom hasn't talked to me for a month now because we're considering moving to Seattle next year, and because we've decided to spend next Christmas in Montana. She's very manipulative, and I've reached my limit. It's funny how having your own little ones puts things in such a different perspective! You have to do what's best for you and your family!! Stay strong! |
| Comment from emmapeal9 » Posted Jan. 29, 2014 10:47am We have a lot in common. At 36 I still struggle with my mother and our relationship is strained at best (unless I cater to my mother's opinions and desires). The best thing you can do is make a decision for YOUR family. Weigh the options of lifestyle vs. being close to family. |
 | Comment from Krod0519 » Posted Jan. 29, 2014 10:35am Its hard to not have a really strong relationship with your mom, I also don't have a good one either. She is selfish, and well I always felt like the grown up. The thing is, now YOU are the grown up, about to be a mother yourself, and it is up to you to make the best life you can for your family and that child. Do what is best for you guys, you cannot worry about her and stay for her. Sure it will be hard to be in a new place but if it is an opportunity to make a better life than jump on it! I live in orange County CA and well it is crazy expensive here too, so I understand that frustration. Keep your head in the game, your mom will need to put aside her own agenda and hopefully she will realize your doing the best things :) |
 | Comment from Eluria88 » Posted Jan. 29, 2014 9:54am Sometimes I feel lucky my mom totally understands me and we've never even fought. If I had the choice to have a more comfortable financial situation elsewhere my mom would be on board. Unfortunately my husband lost his job last year and is not working as an apprentice making very little, daycare costs for my 2 kids (soon to be 3) are too much for me to even consider working for $9 an hour. We only pay 1,000 for rent but we're still in the negative every month with no debts aside from utilities. Its rough, it's hard but we make it work. Someday my husband will be making almost $40 an hour and things will be easy but it's turbulent right now. If I could pick up and move anywhere and not stress about having my power turned off I'd do it in a heartbeat. I WISH i could save for my kids to go to college. I think you're doing the right thing and your mom will have to come around sometime and see it. |
 | Comment from mrsamanda » Posted Jan. 29, 2014 9:35am I would totally support you. Growing up, my patents never could safe for our college tuition. They made ends meet. I want better for my child. And if I can possibly swing it I will do whatever I can to make it happen. |
