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Sianny's Pregnancy
My Due Date: January 2, 2015I have given birth!
Age: 40 years old
Location: United Kingdom
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The Two Anniversaries
By Sianny » Posted Oct. 22, 2014 8:10am - 415 views - 3 comments
Tomorrow me an my husband will celebrate our 4th wedding anniversary but at the same time it carries a sadness that I can't put behind me, actually I thought I had and yet I really don't want to think about it either.
This time last year I was excited to see our long awaited second child at our 12wk scan the next day, I had morning sickness and my tummy had popped just a little too. We had had an early scan at 6wks after a little bleeding and we saw our little bean who we nicknamed 'Star'. Because of this scan going so well the Dr told us 95% of pregnancies go full term after this point and so we announced our pregnancy to our family and friends and anyone else who would listen.
It was going to be a wonderful treat that our 12wk scan was the same day as our 3rd anniversary.
But by the evening of our anniversary I was sat in tears, trying to drink some pink champagne after being told that my baby measured only 8wks and no longer had a heartbeat.
I was scheduled for a removal the next day.
The words still haunt me 'I'm afraid Mrs Black that its not good news', I thought it was a bad dream and looked around the room for something out of place to confirm that I was going to wake up in a minute but I couldn't deny that the blob on the screen looked nothing like a baby and didn't move.
She turned off the screen as she spoke and all I could do was apologise to my hubby through sobs, apologise for ruining our anniversary and for loosing our baby. It was weird how I just assumed I had failed at being a woman almost instantly.
I sit here today crying as I write this because we have come so far to this time, a wiggly little girl waiting to be born who worries me on a daily basis. I worry that at any moment all the happiness could be torn away from me, that it was that easy to just lose a pregnancy, that I am powerless to stop it.
I have no reason to believe anything could happen but at the same time, this time last year I hadn't even heard of a missed miscarriage.
I had read that a lady went for her 12wk scan and found that the baby had passed away about 7wks but this sounded so unreal that it couldn't possibly happen to me. You either had a baby or you bled and miscarried, right?
WRONG. So stupidly wrong.
Now I want to claim back our anniversary and although I don't want to forget about the baby I lost I really don't want to talk about it or remember our little 'Star' in some form of mourning.
I don't want this to be two anniversaries, I want it to be a distant memory.
I want to move forward.
To some that may seem heartless as many women choose to celebrate the brief life of their angels and remember them but today I just feel like its a shadow hanging over all I have to be thankful for, over one of the greatest days of my life, over shadowing my cheeky little monkey and my little princess in the making.
I didn't think that this would be so hard because it seems like another me in another life many years ago but its much more present in my mind than I ever thought it would be.
Somewhere between the books on my bookshelf is a secret note I wrote after the removal, I wrote to our Star and thanked her for the love I felt while carrying her and asked her to shine down and guide our next baby through until they reach our arms.
I don't know why I just assumed she was a girl. Didn't think I could have a girl.
I have no clue why I am even writing this, there is no point to this tale and no end really I guess its because I need to just write it, I can't darken our anniversary by bringing it up to hubby although I could use a hug right now.
I'm sorry you couldn't see the world little Star but thank you for helping Thea find us
My Journal
The Two Anniversaries
By Sianny » Posted Oct. 22, 2014 8:10am - 415 views - 3 comments
Tomorrow me an my husband will celebrate our 4th wedding anniversary but at the same time it carries a sadness that I can't put behind me, actually I thought I had and yet I really don't want to think about it either.
This time last year I was excited to see our long awaited second child at our 12wk scan the next day, I had morning sickness and my tummy had popped just a little too. We had had an early scan at 6wks after a little bleeding and we saw our little bean who we nicknamed 'Star'. Because of this scan going so well the Dr told us 95% of pregnancies go full term after this point and so we announced our pregnancy to our family and friends and anyone else who would listen.
It was going to be a wonderful treat that our 12wk scan was the same day as our 3rd anniversary.
But by the evening of our anniversary I was sat in tears, trying to drink some pink champagne after being told that my baby measured only 8wks and no longer had a heartbeat.
I was scheduled for a removal the next day.
The words still haunt me 'I'm afraid Mrs Black that its not good news', I thought it was a bad dream and looked around the room for something out of place to confirm that I was going to wake up in a minute but I couldn't deny that the blob on the screen looked nothing like a baby and didn't move.
She turned off the screen as she spoke and all I could do was apologise to my hubby through sobs, apologise for ruining our anniversary and for loosing our baby. It was weird how I just assumed I had failed at being a woman almost instantly.
I sit here today crying as I write this because we have come so far to this time, a wiggly little girl waiting to be born who worries me on a daily basis. I worry that at any moment all the happiness could be torn away from me, that it was that easy to just lose a pregnancy, that I am powerless to stop it.
I have no reason to believe anything could happen but at the same time, this time last year I hadn't even heard of a missed miscarriage.
I had read that a lady went for her 12wk scan and found that the baby had passed away about 7wks but this sounded so unreal that it couldn't possibly happen to me. You either had a baby or you bled and miscarried, right?
WRONG. So stupidly wrong.
Now I want to claim back our anniversary and although I don't want to forget about the baby I lost I really don't want to talk about it or remember our little 'Star' in some form of mourning.
I don't want this to be two anniversaries, I want it to be a distant memory.
I want to move forward.
To some that may seem heartless as many women choose to celebrate the brief life of their angels and remember them but today I just feel like its a shadow hanging over all I have to be thankful for, over one of the greatest days of my life, over shadowing my cheeky little monkey and my little princess in the making.
I didn't think that this would be so hard because it seems like another me in another life many years ago but its much more present in my mind than I ever thought it would be.
Somewhere between the books on my bookshelf is a secret note I wrote after the removal, I wrote to our Star and thanked her for the love I felt while carrying her and asked her to shine down and guide our next baby through until they reach our arms.
I don't know why I just assumed she was a girl. Didn't think I could have a girl.
I have no clue why I am even writing this, there is no point to this tale and no end really I guess its because I need to just write it, I can't darken our anniversary by bringing it up to hubby although I could use a hug right now.
I'm sorry you couldn't see the world little Star but thank you for helping Thea find us
Comments for this Journal Entry
 | Comment from snolie14 » Posted Oct. 25, 2014 7:18am I truly believe everything happens for a reason, yet we search our souls trying to find the reason, and yet we may never know why, but know that your Star shines bright and is looking over you and your family each day! I hope with time you'll be able to celebrate with joy and love for all your future anniversaries to come! Here's a hug for you! Remember to not look back, but look to the future...there's love and happiness waiting for you! :-) |
 | Comment from aprilluvsmoz » Posted Oct. 22, 2014 10:46am I'm glad you got this out there. I can sympathize with alot of what you were feeling. Last year I was in the process of miscarrying during me and my boyfriends anniversary. It was heartbreaking, this year I was three months pregnany with my little man. You are right I think our ones we lost led us to the ones we have now. |
| Comment from football_girl » Posted Oct. 22, 2014 8:47am I'm so sorry your special day is tainted by bad memories and experiences. Perhaps you should celebrate your anniversary on its special day and have a day of remembrance for your little one the day after. I understand wanting to move forward, though and don't think it's heartless at all! I'm sure as each year passes it'll get easier. You'll never forget it, but you'll be able to move forward. Hugs to you! |
