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loopygrl's Pregnancy
My Due Date: December 25, 2016I am postpartum » My due date was more than 2 weeks ago
Age: 42 years old
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Putting Down the HPT!!!!
By loopygrl » Posted Apr. 27, 2016 2:24pm - 550 views - 3 comments
From the very moment that second faint line appeared I have been an absolute mess. Having been a long time follower of CDTP and the HPT gallery, I have read countless stories and viewed hundreds of tests from women that have experienced early losses. And while I don’t know their circumstances or the struggles they have dealt with throughout their TTC journeys, I am terrified that it will happen to me.
So I test and obsess and then I test again. I am embarrassed to even admit how many tests I have taken over the last two weeks, but I will say it’s A LOT. Every twinge, pinch or cramp had me running to the bathroom test in hand. It didn’t matter that everything I read said what I was experiencing was normal, like an addict I would bargain; one more test today and I will not test tomorrow at all. But of course come the next day I would start all over again. Just one test this morning and I am done, and because my levels seemed stronger in the evening, and the morning test seemed lighter than the night before , I just had to test again in the evening to be sure. Each time my lines got darker, but the reassurance that it brought was only temporary, I just kept waiting for that other shoe to drop.
It all came to head yesterday. I was tired from lack of sleep on top of being just plain exhausted all the time. I was overwhelmed with loss and fear of more loss and I just had this awful feeling that I couldn’t seem to shake, once again I found myself running to the store to buy more tests.
I generally consider myself to be a pretty rational person, I don’t generally stress about the things I can’t control. But here I was stressing even knowing that it’s out of my hands, what will be will be and there was little I can do about it. So when that 3+ popped up right on schedule and I felt that rush of relief, I decided that’s it I’m done. This was no longer about progression or curiosity, I was merely giving into to my own irrational fears and it seemed to be doing more harm than good as far as my mental state was concerned.
So I’m putting down the HPT and giving into fate. I want to spend my days enjoying the experience of pregnancy not stressing about that which I cannot change. I truly believe this baby is a gift I have been given and therefore have to have faith that everything will turn out just the way that it was meant to. (4/26)
My Journal
Putting Down the HPT!!!!
By loopygrl » Posted Apr. 27, 2016 2:24pm - 550 views - 3 comments
From the very moment that second faint line appeared I have been an absolute mess. Having been a long time follower of CDTP and the HPT gallery, I have read countless stories and viewed hundreds of tests from women that have experienced early losses. And while I don’t know their circumstances or the struggles they have dealt with throughout their TTC journeys, I am terrified that it will happen to me.
So I test and obsess and then I test again. I am embarrassed to even admit how many tests I have taken over the last two weeks, but I will say it’s A LOT. Every twinge, pinch or cramp had me running to the bathroom test in hand. It didn’t matter that everything I read said what I was experiencing was normal, like an addict I would bargain; one more test today and I will not test tomorrow at all. But of course come the next day I would start all over again. Just one test this morning and I am done, and because my levels seemed stronger in the evening, and the morning test seemed lighter than the night before , I just had to test again in the evening to be sure. Each time my lines got darker, but the reassurance that it brought was only temporary, I just kept waiting for that other shoe to drop.
It all came to head yesterday. I was tired from lack of sleep on top of being just plain exhausted all the time. I was overwhelmed with loss and fear of more loss and I just had this awful feeling that I couldn’t seem to shake, once again I found myself running to the store to buy more tests.
I generally consider myself to be a pretty rational person, I don’t generally stress about the things I can’t control. But here I was stressing even knowing that it’s out of my hands, what will be will be and there was little I can do about it. So when that 3+ popped up right on schedule and I felt that rush of relief, I decided that’s it I’m done. This was no longer about progression or curiosity, I was merely giving into to my own irrational fears and it seemed to be doing more harm than good as far as my mental state was concerned.
So I’m putting down the HPT and giving into fate. I want to spend my days enjoying the experience of pregnancy not stressing about that which I cannot change. I truly believe this baby is a gift I have been given and therefore have to have faith that everything will turn out just the way that it was meant to. (4/26)
Comments for this Journal Entry
 | Comment from loopygrl » Posted Apr. 28, 2016 6:07pm Hi Ladies, Thank you for your comments. My first appointment is May 16th at 8 weeks at which time I hope they will do an early ultrasound. Though I still have some of the same anxieties that I have come to realize that a lot women have early on, I did feel a lot better after seeing the digital progress right on time. Now I am just left to obsess over everything else ( : |
 | Comment from MalPal85 » Posted Apr. 28, 2016 10:54am I was the same way. Test so much I ordered the cheap ones on Amazon so you're not alone. Once I had my first ultrasound though I completely stopped testing, FINALLY! It's sad that is what it took but o'well. Congrats! |
| Comment from Starmama14 » Posted Apr. 27, 2016 3:27pm It is SO HARD to do that! I am currently 17 weeks pregnant and there are times that I think about taking a preggo test...lol. You are definitely not alone. When do you have your first appointment and/or u/s?? Good luck with everything! |
