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knicole27's Pregnancy
My Due Date: March 26, 2015I have given birth!
Age: 43 years old
Location: Hohenfels , Germany
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Feeling guilty for feeling so sad .
By knicole27 » Posted Sep. 26, 2014 5:31pm - 312 views - 3 comments
So I know this should be a happy time . I'm expecting my second son and he is healthy and measuring a week ahead . I am so far healthy. I have an awesome ob . So what's the problem?!
Warning I'm about up get pretty personal and deep because basically I have to get this out some where .
About 6 months ago my husband was sent back stateside for two months for work . During that time he committed adultery . It was a hard time for us and I was for sure going to leave him . I went in to legal to start the process of moving us back state side and proceeding with a divorce . However a few days before he returned home before I could even confront him my heart changed unexpectedly . I couldn't throw away ten years with out giving him a chance to tell me his side and try to work on things .
He returned and we went to counselling things were good then just 4 months later we had that contraceptive accident two days before I ovulated . And here I am. I cried when I got hat bfp, a far cry fr opposite of when I saw the second line from the test of my first son . Before all the infidelity we had planned on ttc in 2015, but for whatever reason this happened . I was scared I was afraid it was "too soon" after what just turned my marriage upset down.
Fast forward to this week. This has been an incredibly hard and emotional week for me. I started feeling the baby move this week but instead of being happy or ecstatic about it I just felt like crying. How could I ever guarantee to him/her that his/her father would always be around and not cheat on his/her mother.?! Then I felt guilty . Guilty about even feeling sad about this precious life that wasn't planned , guilty for letting this even happen .
Then in my mind I've been wanting a girl . For a long time . I thought for sure this one was a girl because part of me was really hoping it was because I felt like a man that could cheat on his wife , needs a daughter in his life . I always had this feeling that a boy would end our marriage and a girl would save it ?! So not only was finding out we are having another boy today a blow to my very maternal instincts of wanting to nurture a girl but I also wanted it for my marriage . That sounds ridiculous and petty but I'm so sad and emotional over it .
I asked tonight if we could at least narrow down some boy names because even having him named some how will help me feel more connected to him . I'm sad and guilty to say that lately I'm just not connected this time . I know we have plenty of time for a name but for my own sanity I need a name soon.
I never wanted to share any of this on a random pregnancy forum but I needed to get it out . I needed a place to turn and just maybe an encouraging word or two or five .
My Journal
Feeling guilty for feeling so sad .
By knicole27 » Posted Sep. 26, 2014 5:31pm - 312 views - 3 comments
So I know this should be a happy time . I'm expecting my second son and he is healthy and measuring a week ahead . I am so far healthy. I have an awesome ob . So what's the problem?!
Warning I'm about up get pretty personal and deep because basically I have to get this out some where .
About 6 months ago my husband was sent back stateside for two months for work . During that time he committed adultery . It was a hard time for us and I was for sure going to leave him . I went in to legal to start the process of moving us back state side and proceeding with a divorce . However a few days before he returned home before I could even confront him my heart changed unexpectedly . I couldn't throw away ten years with out giving him a chance to tell me his side and try to work on things .
He returned and we went to counselling things were good then just 4 months later we had that contraceptive accident two days before I ovulated . And here I am. I cried when I got hat bfp, a far cry fr opposite of when I saw the second line from the test of my first son . Before all the infidelity we had planned on ttc in 2015, but for whatever reason this happened . I was scared I was afraid it was "too soon" after what just turned my marriage upset down.
Fast forward to this week. This has been an incredibly hard and emotional week for me. I started feeling the baby move this week but instead of being happy or ecstatic about it I just felt like crying. How could I ever guarantee to him/her that his/her father would always be around and not cheat on his/her mother.?! Then I felt guilty . Guilty about even feeling sad about this precious life that wasn't planned , guilty for letting this even happen .
Then in my mind I've been wanting a girl . For a long time . I thought for sure this one was a girl because part of me was really hoping it was because I felt like a man that could cheat on his wife , needs a daughter in his life . I always had this feeling that a boy would end our marriage and a girl would save it ?! So not only was finding out we are having another boy today a blow to my very maternal instincts of wanting to nurture a girl but I also wanted it for my marriage . That sounds ridiculous and petty but I'm so sad and emotional over it .
I asked tonight if we could at least narrow down some boy names because even having him named some how will help me feel more connected to him . I'm sad and guilty to say that lately I'm just not connected this time . I know we have plenty of time for a name but for my own sanity I need a name soon.
I never wanted to share any of this on a random pregnancy forum but I needed to get it out . I needed a place to turn and just maybe an encouraging word or two or five .
Comments for this Journal Entry
 | Comment from estone » Posted Sep. 27, 2014 9:38am SO sorry you are going through this. Infidelity in a marriage is so rough. Good for you for trying to make things work. I can't even imagine going through that and having another baby on the way. You're right though, once he is here, you won't be bale to imagine things differently. Sending good vibes and hugs your way. |
 | Comment from knicole27 » Posted Sep. 27, 2014 2:22am I know that a child won't save my marriage but in my irrational pregnant hormonal mind , a girl would have made things different. I don't know why I think that. I have been so emotional over all of this this week. I had been doing really well with everything. I thought I had done some healing to where I could move on but this week and pregnancy I am finding things from the past buried that are definitely resurfacing. This has been a truly emotional roller coaster. I will say i did wake up today a little more warmed up to the idea of another boy. Its going to take time but I know once he is here I will think this entire thing as petty and I will never imagine a day without him. Thanks lady. I am going through hard times right now and I am trying not stress for the baby but its all very hard. |
 | Comment from Quartz3 » Posted Sep. 26, 2014 7:43pm Wow. I have been cheated on in a previous relationship so I can imagine how you feel. I know how hard it is to get over and to trust the other person again. It takes time to heal and forgive, and it sucks that you have to go through that while pregnant. It's not a boy or a girl that will save your marriage, it's you and your husband. Sometimes, people make mistakes. You've decided to work it out (and hats off to you for that), but it will take time. It certainly makes for an emotional rollercoaster, but you don't have to feel guilty for it. You're doing your best, and it's enough. Sure this is just a random pregnancy forum, but support is support, no matter where you find it. :) |
