Answered by kCharleneS - Dec. 24, 2012 10:29am
that he was sober and that he was doing great, but my uncle came back into town and Dad was drinking in secret. We only knew when my step mom and sister found the beer cans in the shed and when he ran out of town to Nevada from Washington because he had failed a UA while on probation for drinking and driving. I feel for you very much and I am so sorry that you have to go through this. Just know that you have tons of support. Good luck and have a Merry Christmas.
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Answered by kCharleneS - Dec. 24, 2012 10:26am
Honestly, coming from a family where my father was and still is an alcoholic, you need to talk with him and not let it slide at all. The problem with alcoholics is one beer is not enough. They HAVE to get drunk. It is a crutch and a coping mechanism. If you let him go out on the weekends and drink, it'll become more frequent. He'll feel, "she's letting me doing it on the weekends, maybe she'll let me have one drink during the week to relax" and it'll just keep going. You'll be enabling him. Alcoholism is a disease and he needs to know that you mean business. Let him know that you know about the drinking and if he doesn't stop, you and baby are gone. Take this from someone who has lived and grown up with this, you don't want that around your baby. I love my dad, and I'm very close with him, but he spent so much of mine and my son's life drunk. I honestly don't remember a single moment of my dad being sober and that's with him going to rehab and then jail for failing UAs. We th
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Answered by a member - Nov. 7, 2012 10:37pm
I absolutely do not doubt for a second that he would be a good father. But this is a matter of being a good partner. We our own agreements and ways to make things work, and lying and going behind my back is not part of that. We are very open and very involved with each other, so being sneaky isn't acceptable. He would 100% would not like me staying out all night, and then lying to him about it. I expect the same from him. And staying out all night when you have a baby to be taking care of is not acceptable either. This is our baby, so that means WE take care of it, not just me. I told him up front if he wanted to drink he sure as well could, but he knew that if he didn I would leave. It wasn't and is not a theat it's completely and utterly upfront. I came in second to alcohol for 3 years, and I will not be dealing with that now that there's a baby in the picture.
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Answered by a member - Nov. 7, 2012 10:27pm
In our situation when I call him an alcoholic I mean it was so bad he couldn't make it through the day without having a drink. And it was never just A drink, the goal was always to get drunk. I understand a drink or two after a hard days work, or going out every once in a while and having a good time but his drinking was much, much more than just that. The issue with him staying out as last as he does is three things: he tells he he will be home sooner, and we have agreed its not okay to come home at 5 am. Second when he goes out he doesn't keep in contact with me at all, not that I'm controlling, but it is nice to know what's going on even if it's just a 'hey, just checking in, I won't be home in time to join you for bed' would be just fine. Lastly is is that if the tables were switched, it would be a very, very big deal that I stayed out all night (especially if I didn't communicate with him at all).
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Answered by a member - Nov. 6, 2012 8:53pm
I'm writing my response before I read others so it's not biased. You called him a "raging" alcoholic. Does he get angry? What do you oppose about his drinking? I think that there isn't anything wrong with drinking occasionally, as long as a) it is occasionally, b) he is well behaved and controlled and not putting himself or anyone else in danger. c) there is no reason to be coming home between 2-6 am every weekend.
The part that bothers me is the lying. I think you and him need to sit down and discuss it. He quit cold turkey, but alcohol alone isn't evil. Maybe you could discuss letting him go have a guys night out once a month where he can be out drinking (again provided other things). Drinking is social, he may just miss time with his friends where he doesn't have to say "gf says I can't drink."
Did you drink too before you got pregnant? I guess I feel like there is room to compromise, as long as he isn't being a jerk or making it a problem.
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Answered by Charlotte17 - Nov. 6, 2012 7:47pm
My initial response was out of protection for you and your baby if he truly is an alcoholic. If you don't think it's a dangerous situation, you should definitely just talk to him about finding a compromise that you're both happy with so he doesn't feel the need to sneak around and you don't feel like you're being lied to.
Have you thought about sitting down with him and setting some ground rules that you're both comfortable with? If you really feel like he is an alcoholic then you need to be really careful, but if you think he could manage his drinking then maybe you could find some kind of compromise that works for you. Maybe something like he's able to go out one weekend night a week but you'd prefer that he comes home by a certain time. Or maybe ask that he checks in with you while he's out and is more open with what he's doing.
I normally hate ultimatums, but if you really feel like he has a serious drinking problem you have to do what you have to do.
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Answered by a member - Nov. 6, 2012 4:40pm
i dont think your over reacting but i wouldnt call it quits and say hes not going to be a good father because of this. men are not perfect. and most do lie, their girlfriends just dont know it. I would bring it up to him and let him know its not alright, especially with the baby coming so soon. I tend to go a little easier on my husband these days as far as going out, etc, because i know once babys here it will be a LONG time before there is any time for that stuff.
the way i see it... you are unsure if he was even drinking right? so if he was getting smashed drunk, you would definitely be able to tell. if hes going out with his friends and coming home without being able to detect any alcohol on him, then hes doing a darn good job at either saying no or containing himself to 1 or 2 drinks. and that can be hard when out at the bar with friends so i think u should give him some credit. hes not coming home day after day loaded drunk and passing out.
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Answered by Charlotte17 - Nov. 6, 2012 3:40pm
Oh my gosh I'm so sorry you're having to deal with something like that, especially so late in your pregnancy!
I completely agree with you that the real issue is how he's handling the drinking (ie doing it behind your back and not being honest with you or respecting your wishes). The fact that he knows how you feel and is doing it anyway is a HUGE red flag to me. To me, that ruins trust and trust is so important. You need to be able to trust that you know what kind of man he is and that he is the same person to your face that he is when you're not around.
If it were me, I would tell him that I felt like he was being dishonest and not staying true to his word and that is not the kind of father I want for my child. He will be setting an example for your baby and that doesn't sound like a good one. Even though it would be hard, I would tell him he needs to change or the relationship is over.
Good luck and stay strong! Do what's best for you and your little one! Hugs!
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Answered by a member - Nov. 6, 2012 3:08pm
Honey, your not over-reacting. Your thinking about your baby who will be here so soon. Thats what a great mother does. He doesnt sound like a bad guy at all, I just think he maybe enjoys a drink with his friends, however lying to you about it just is not on. I know exactly what you mean about not wanting to let him away with it because he might think he can do it again and again.. In the first few months of my relationship with DF I let him away with everything because I love him so much, but its now at the point where he doesnt listen to me at all because he knows I cant give him an ultimatem and keep to it as I always give in. I think its a guy thing being honest, my DF sometimes finds it hard to tell me things that have gone on because he doesnt want me to get upset with him and stress out. The sad reality is we are left with, would we rather be told and be hurt or would we rather it was kept a secret and then when we find out the DF are liars? Its difficult. X
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Answered by a member - Nov. 6, 2012 2:46pm
I just feel like I gave him a set guideline and that if I let this go that he'll never listen to me and what I have to say. He didn't treat me horrible when he used to drink, but he is/was so much better since he quit. It really brought us closer together. The thought of him drinking again, even just once a week worries me. He was such a big drinker and we've already committed to the fact that that will never be allowed around our child. I just feel like he's being sneaky and ignoring my wishes. If he weren't such a big drinker it would t be such a big deal. But it was so bad that now knowing he's been doing it behind my back makes me doubt that we should be together. I love him so much though and don't want to walk away over something I might just be over reacting to.
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