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I give up!
By Cattsmeow » Posted Dec. 9, 2015 9:34am - 347 views - 7 comments

Yea, I am giving up on pumping. I had a total break down about it last night. All that work for next to nothing, and I couldn't take it any more. Luckily the boys were already in bed, but I cried and cried and cried. Most of the time I pump, I get nothing. Every once in awhile, I will get an ounce, others just drops. But I can't do it anymore. I'm done. My husband said that although he knows how much I want to breastfeed, it's not worth all this added stress and frustration. I agreed and we both decided that I'm done. I feel horrible about it, but what can I do?

Today is shaping up to be a bad day, depression wise. I am caving and calling my doctor about it. It's gotten to the point where I resent my husband for being gone all day. I resent my kids because all I do is take care of them. I hate myself for feeling like this. All I do is sit around and cry, then berate myself for doing that. I hate everything. This is NOT me. It's really not. I love my children, I love my husband, and I hate feeling resentful towards them for things they have no control over. I love that I am able to stay at home with them, and watch them grow. I'm grateful that my husband busts his ass at work so that I am able to do so. So why do I feel this way?

Anyways, happy freaking birthday to me! I'm going to go cry into my coffee now.

Comments for this Journal Entry

	Comment from Cattsmeow » Posted Dec. 9, 2015 12:54pm Thank you, ladies. I really appreciate the encouragement. I'm just having a really bad day and the depression is really getting the best of me.
	Comment from Summer0120 » Posted Dec. 9, 2015 11:00am You are not alone. Don't ever feel like you are terrible for feeling the way you do. A lot of new mothers do right after a baby is born. You're dealing with a lot on top of all of your hormones trying to go back to normal. Yes breast feeding is great. But it is not the only way to feed your child. If it can't be done, then just go to the next method and maybe you can find other ways to have that extra bonding time with baby. You're doing a great job even if you don't feel like it. We don't even personally know that, and yet we can all sense it. Keep your head up. Here's a positive for you on a rough day... you can have some wine (or your beverage of choice) to celebrate your birthday completely guilt free if you're not nursing. Lol! Happy Birthday! Try to enjoy it the best you can! :)
	Comment from Amanda_McDaniel » Posted Dec. 9, 2015 10:21am You are definitely being unfair to yourself. Your stress over it shows how much you care and what a good momma you really are. Keep your chin up, take care of yourself, and know that you're doing great.
	Comment from HzlGreenEyes » Posted Dec. 9, 2015 10:15am Absolutely Love! You are doing MORE than enough.
	Comment from Cattsmeow » Posted Dec. 9, 2015 9:54am Thank you, Hzl. I really needed to hear that today. I am trying my best, it just doesn't seem to be enough lately.
	Comment from HzlGreenEyes » Posted Dec. 9, 2015 9:44am I almost forgot... HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
	Comment from HzlGreenEyes » Posted Dec. 9, 2015 9:43am Baby Blues are no fun. You recognize that you are having a hard time and that is Great!!!! Just know you are not alone and a lot of women feel the same way. Try not to beat yourself up about the breastfeeding because your baby will get nourishment even from formula and it does not make you a bad Mommy. All that matters is you tried! I hope the doctors will be able to give you some advice and possibly something to take off the edge, (even if you don't use the pills, it is nice to know you have something). Also, try to see if you can have your Mom or a friend come watch the baby while you get some rest.... that just might be the culprit too. Sounds to me you have your head on straight, it's just a little overwhelmed. Hang in there!!