That thought killed me.

Posted on September 4th, 2011. Written by .

Today marks week 15.  It seems strange, I wanted to get pregnant so badly after my miscarriage but there has been a small part of me the last 12 weeks or so that hasn’t truly believed that I am.  Part of me thinking “don’t get attached… you may lose this one too.”  Negative, I know but it was my thought process.

Of course I have raging hormones, vomit on the regular (still), and a expanding tummy but there is still that part of me thinking is this really happening?

Then last night, I woke up around 1am, with intense pain.  Pain so bad that I couldn’t move.  I literally moaned.  The Mr. obviously woke up concerned asking me what he could do for me.  All I could do was hold my lower stomach and think to myself, that’s it, I’m losing something I couldn’t believe I deserved.  And now I won’t have my baby anymore.

That thought killed me.

After a few moments of my my husband trying to comfort me, he helped me get up and I made it to the bathroom.  I went in there fully expecting to find blood.  But there was nothing.  And the more I got to thinking about it, the more realized that this is different.  This feels different.

Is it gas?  Like massive gas bubbles that are just stuck.  I think back a few months.  The Mr. came home early from work one morning with severe cramping.  I had never seen him in such pain and drove him to the ER, turns out, it was a gas bubble just stuck.  We had recently changed diets when that happened to him.  We haven’t changed out diet recently so I’m not sure what exactly brought this on but I’m pretty positive that this is what it was.

It also made me realize a little more that this is real.  This is happening.  I want this more than anything.  My husband will support me through this no matter what.

A few nights ago we were on our porch and he admitted that I was his backbone, and the baby was his heart.  What more could I ask for?  Yes I’m 15 weeks pregnant and feel like I just look fat most of the time, and we are slowly getting our house ready for a new baby.  That our lives are going to drastically change in the near future.  But in the end, this baby is going to be so loved by the both of us.  That this is just the next step in our journey, the next chapter in the book we have been writing since the day we met.

And I realize that this baby is coming.  And it is sticking just like I prayed it would.  We’ve heard the heart beat, we’ve seen the precious black and white image from the sonogram.   This week I have AFP testing, the week after next I have another appointment and then find out the gender.  This is coming.

I think the excitement of the realization just hit.  I’ve been excited yes, but I’ve been worried.  Now I can continue to be worried but I can show more excitement.  I can embrace this experience a little more.

This entry was posted on Sunday, September 4th, 2011 at 5:59 pm and is filed under Maternity Confessions.
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About the Author:

I'm a southern twenty-something wife of four years that is looking forward to the adventure of motherhood. Prepare to listen to my rants and raves of pregnancy. Though I may complain on the regular I am very excited about what is happening! Comments are always welcome and I hope you enjoy my ridiculous confessions!

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