Answered by MammaBee81 - Oct. 25, 2012 6:33am
She's more subtle than being outwardly nasty to me. I think DH told her a long time ago that he wasn't going to hear negative things about me. She doesn't ask me how I am when I pick up the phone - only asks for DH (still, at least she's honest - I'd really rather she didn't ask me since she doesn't actually care what the answer is anyway).
It's more I'm excluded from being part of the family. For example, for MIL it's a big deal on your birthday. She has to take you out for dinner somewhere. Not once in the 12 years I've known DH (9 years marriage) has she asked when my birthday is. She's never called me, and she tells me she's too busy when I try to make an appointment to spend time with her, even just for coffee. When I do see her, she's not exactly warm towards me.
I've been cordially uninvited to events. Example: we got married Dec 7. I was uninvited to Xmas dinner because it was just for family... that was the first year DH didn't spend Xmas with them.
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Answered by Kfinzue - Oct. 22, 2012 4:51pm
I'm glad your dh took it so well. Does she speak badly about you or to you? I realized when I replied that I took it she was being disrespectful to your face and behind your back because that's what my situation is. I have no problem with my fiance seeing his family but I have decided I will not be going around his family and neither will our baby. I talked to him and put it like 'if someone disrespects me or you or our relationship they have no right or reason to be around our child. I don't want it to grow up thinking its okay for people to treat its parents like that. If someone isn't kind to me/us they have nothing to offer our baby. What would make those people treat our baby any differently than they treat me?' I think it really hit home to him. I never want to take away his right to see his family and encourage him to see them, I just choose to remain elsewhere when he goes to see them.
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Answered by MammaBee81 - Oct. 22, 2012 8:35am
Thank you so much for sharing your stories with me guys... it really has helped a lot, and has given me a bit to think about.
I spoke to DH yesterday and told him my concerns, he said he wasn't sure what the answer was yet, but that we would figure it out, and also that I should trust him, he will look after me :)
We'll go through your suggestions now and see what will work best for us.
Good luck with your bubs and outlaws xx
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Answered by nesssicle - Oct. 20, 2012 12:52pm
I dont get along with my MIL either. She pretends to like me for appearances only but i know the truth! Luckily for me, my DH is on my side and told his mother that he had enough of her bullshit and that she needs to treat me with respect or he's done.
I have some friends who's marriage is down the toilet due to this situation also. The MIL hates her, and he just wants them to get along. She refuses to let her hubby see his mother. I think thats wrong. Its his choice if he wants to see his mom. As long as she isn't bashing her when he's there, i dont see the problem.
I had it planned in my head that if things ever truly went south my my mil that i would let dh take the kiddos over there SANS ME . Why should her problem with me effect everyone else's relationships? I know my DH is on my side so i have nothing to worry about.
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Answered by a member - Oct. 20, 2012 4:31am
My family cut ties with my grandma when I was 7. I barely remember her. She was supposedly a horrible, mean spirited person, and she was not nice to my mom. So my mom gave my dad an ultimatum... it's me or your mother. And my dad chose my mom. That was almost 20 years ago, and she died last January and we never saw her since the bridge was burned. I'm, in my opinion, happy, healthy and a productive member of society, and I don't hold a grudge against my mom or dad for not letting me get to know my grandma. I trust their judgement. I'm sure your baby will trust your judgement too. You're husband... will be fine too, esp. if he already just went 2 years without seeing her.
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Answered by klara2222 - Oct. 19, 2012 11:08am
I would say that if she approaches you or your hubby and wants *any* relationship with the baby that there has to be a contract. Yes, I do mean for you to write out on paper what the expectations are: respectful communication, polite behaviour, no criticism of your parenting choices, etc. AND what she will get in return (e.g., coming over once a month to spend the day with your family). Then, ALL 3 of you sign the document. If she starts breaking the rules, the contact and contract ends and you walk away. That's that.
It sounds overly lawyer-ish, but if everything is written down and clear, it's very easy for you to set your boundaries and should help to minimize the chances that you will get hurt. And if you do get hurt, the contact stops and your little baby will likely be too little to remember it all, so minimal damage done.
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Answered by kaylia2oo5 - Oct. 19, 2012 10:48am
By the sounds of it, the baby wouldn't be missing out on much. My daughters father walked away when I was three months along, and hasn't seen her since she was 5 months old (only seen her the once, and she's now almost 8). As long as you have a great support system within your family, you and bub will be fine :) Until I met DH, she grew up with just one Nanny and was fine. If anything, she has a closer bond with my Mom because she was the only Nanny.
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Answered by Kfinzue - Oct. 19, 2012 1:31am
I am in almost the exact same situation. Only instead of just his mom it's literally his whole family. At my baby shower they did nothing but make fun of me and snicker about how the baby is getting their last name (they are all aware the baby is getting my last name since we aren't yet married).. His brothers are disrespectful hateful and just plain mean, I want nothing to do with any of them but he so desperately wants us all to get along. I've tried for three years now to do everything I can to get along w them but apparently everything I do is to either hurt his family or 'show off'. At this point I'm beyond trying anymore and realized there's no way I want baby around any of them. I know it'll be a big fight once it's here ):
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Answered by MammaBee81 - Oct. 19, 2012 12:07am
Sorry - not clear.
The issue is I don't want a relationship with MIL (not healthy for me, hence not healthy for the bubs). I don't think bubs would miss out if they didn't have a relationship with MIL. I'm concerned that it will negatively affect the relationship DH has with his parents, and I don't want him to be resentful of me. That's the problem.
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