Answered by LanaB7 - Nov. 15, 2012 4:38pm
Thanks, Kelsamagoo. I have been in a situation where my parents have just shown up to our house unexpectedly. I didn't like it much, since we had company over at the time and then all of a sudden there's a knock at our door. But a couple of days later my mom called to apologize for 'dropping in on us' unannounced and didn't realize we had company. She felt really bad. That's the first time my family has ever 'popped by'. I'd give my inlaws a key to get in the house while we're not there, but they take the term 'make yourself at home' too literally. (i.e.: using the toilet and not flushing it ever, and wearing their muddy shoes on our hardwood floors and carpets when asked to remove them several times. They do not have foot issues or medical reasons to wear them inside). Either way... I'll deal with this. Even if they need to be told several times.
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Answered by kelsamagoo - Nov. 15, 2012 4:17pm
I think it is a helpful excercise to think how you would feel if it were your own family instead of inlaws. That being said, if you are a person with a schedule, you can't suddenly accomodate extra people a day early. It might be good to kindly communicate this to your inlaws, keeping in mind how valuable it is that they actually want to spend time with you. let them know how much you appreciate their love and eagerness to spend as much time with you as possible, but how you really need advance warning and consistency, especially once the baby comes. Say you don't mind them being there longer,but you have to know in advance so you can plan for it. Don't mention cleaning, but you can say you need to plan for extra mouths when you do your weekly shopping, etc. Though it is possible they will be insulted, more likely, they will be surprised that they are inconveniencing you. They probably think it is a nice surprise when they show up early, and have your best interests at heart.
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Answered by a member - Nov. 15, 2012 4:00pm
I'm really close to my family, as well, and love spending time with them as often as possible. However, I think it's a matter of respecting other people's schedules. My parents hate it when people drop in on them unannounced (family included), so they wouldn't do it to me. If a plan has been made, it should be kept, unless all parties involved have agreed to the new plan.
It's a personal preference and really depends on the individual's feelings about it. The poster of the question obviously likes having time to prepare and knowing when to expect guests at her home, and shouldn't have to make exceptions to that. Especially after baby has arrived and time is really not your own anymore for a while.
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Answered by a member - Nov. 15, 2012 3:49pm
I always stop and think before complaining about the in laws, then compare how I d feel if it was my parents. Would I be annoyed if my family decided to arrive early to visit...? No Way!! I d be super happy, especially if they lived 6 hours away. DH has the same right, and no wonder he wont really want to say something. I couldnt let them sit outside and wait, I d leave them a key somewhere if I m honest, I d be embarassed of the thought of them sitting there for hours waiting. Maybe I m too close to my own but I certainly dont see the need to entertain parents or in laws, they are family members not guests. I d take the extra help gratefully and enjoy and let dh enjoy their company.
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Answered by a member - Nov. 15, 2012 3:32pm
Welll I know it's frustrating..but why not let them help you! There is nothing wrong with an extra set of hands. :) If they always do this, then start expecting them the day before they come. This will keep you from disapointment...Family just wants to help and older inlaws/parents always will. They are excited and can't help but want to be with you. Enjoy that and realize they do live 6 hours away, so it doesn't happen that often. People won't always be around to barge in, enjoy them while you have them.
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Answered by ginabee - Nov. 15, 2012 3:08pm
Agree. My DH's family has a bad habit of calling and and saying.. hey, we're on the way. Or.. not even calling and just showing up. This is NOT ok once baby is here, as it is very rude and imposes on our privacy. I've even mentioned that we may have to put a sign on the door that says something to the effect of, "Do we know you're coming? If not, turn around." Seriously. It's your house, your life, they need to respect that. If your husband is too passive to take the initiative, as crappy as it is, you may have to have the conversation (in the nicest way possible) with them.
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Answered by -Lee-B - Nov. 15, 2012 3:01pm
First off...they choose to come early and sit in the driveway (nuts) so learn to ignore it and not feel bad, it's not in your control. Also, stop entertaining them. It's great that you want to...and I'd do the same but they are imposing on you and they will continue to because you give them the impression they are no hassle. If you start ignoring them to do the things you previously planned to do they may (BIG may) learn to see they are imposing. It's hard to stop caring about clean the house is etc...I totally get that but you are going to drive yourself nuts trying to stay on top of things when they keep showing up earlier and earlier!
Once the baby is here...unwire the doorbell, put a note on door saying no guests, baby and mom are asleep and stay in back of the house!!! Eventually (we hope) they will start to call and prebook their visits if they see you are not going out of your way to accomodate them (and you should not).
They need to be retrained as to what is acceptable!
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Answered by LanaB7 - Nov. 15, 2012 2:51pm
Thanks. I've told my husband this numerous times, but he's too nice and let's them come over whenever they want. I expressed to him that we had so much to do (cleaning, painting, organizing, grocery shopping, etc.). The only thing he said to them was that I wouldn't be home from work until after 5pm. You're right, I do need to speak to him about it. I see his parents as 'guests' in our home. Therefore, I don't want a messy home when they come stay with us. He told me that they don't mind if we have things to do while they're here, but I feel obligated to entertain them while they're here, and I can't get anything done. This is why I'm worried about coming home from the hospital... They won't give us any privacy. They're coming today for our party on Saturday, but I know they'll be in our driveway by 1pm (we won't be home until 6pm or later). I feel terrible that they wait in their car in our driveway for 5 hours. But really, it's not my fault. We told them when we get home.
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Answered by ginabee - Nov. 15, 2012 2:34pm
You need to make this known to your husband. Tell him that you don't appreciate them changing the plans without asking if it's ok and it messes up your schedule/planning, and you need his support and understanding. You may also want it to be known that post baby, it is NOT ok for any relative/friend to just show up unannounced or unplanned because your schedule will be hectic and the last thing you want is for them to wake up sleeping baby or show up in the middle of a hard day.
No need to get mad at your husband about it, it's not really his fault. Just tell him that you need him to be on your side on this issue, and they're "helping" will really just be them in the way, and it would be appreciated if they could just stick to the original plan.
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