Cattsmeow's Pregnancy

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Having a rough go at the moment...
By Cattsmeow » Posted Dec. 2, 2015 1:32pm - 449 views - 9 comments

The past couple of days have been rough. My youngest son, Brandt is refusing to nap. He's 16 months old. He's been waking up around 5 every morning and not going to bed until almost 9 or 10 at night, with numerous wake ups throughout the night, and no naps during the day. The kid is clearly worn out, but I can't get him to sleep. As much as I hate doing it, I am letting him cry it out for now. (Unless he starts screaming. I go to him immediately if that starts up.) Yesterday, him and Valerie took turns screaming at me all day. If I wasn't holding one, trying to get them calmed down, I was holding the other one, doing the same. As a result, I only got one pump in yesterday. As if that wasn't bad enough, being sick has caused a HUGE drop in my supply. I'm barely getting 10ml a pump now, when before I was getting about an ounce combined from both sides per session. I've been trying to increase my pumps again today, since the kids are cooperating a little better.

I'm starting to think I am getting PPD again this time around as well. I have no energy to do anything, or the desire to do anything. It took a major pep talk this morning to motivate myself enough to get up and do the dishes. (That and the fact we had no clean cups, bowls, or spoons.) The drop in my milk supply isn't helping matters any. I keep telling myself that I am not a failure for not being able to breastfeed exclusively, and I am not a bad mom for pumping and not having enough milk to keep up with Valerie's needs and that formula is perfectly ok to give her. It works for about 5 seconds before I start feeling horrible again. I know the stress of that is not helping my supply any. I am so tempted to just throw in the towel on the whole breastfeeding/pumping thing, but I know I would feel even worse if I did that. I already feel as if I am not giving it my all (even though I logically know that I am doing the best I can), and I feel as if quitting now would just be a waste. Valerie has her corrective surgery for her lip tie next Thursday and I am desperately hoping that I can get her to latch on to the breast properly soon after. I have decided to give it until the New Year and if breastfeeding doesn't work out by then, I am letting it go. The thought makes me depressed, but yea. I have my 6 week PP visit the 28th, and we will be scheduling my tubal surgery for just after the first of January. I've been somewhat rethinking the whole thing, but I know it's for the best. I really do not think I could go through another pregnancy and have a fourth child. I know I will miss it (pregnancy, the newborn stage, everything), but I know I could not handle going through this whole process again. Again, thinking about this makes me depressed as well. =/

We also have the viewing for our friends who passed away tomorrow. We can't get a sitter, so we're going to have to take the kids with us. I really hope they behave, but I have a feeling we will just go, pay our respects to Brian, give our condolences to Jasmine and Kiernan, and come back home. I don't foresee the boys behaving all to well. We can't go to the funeral service because my husband has to work, and again, we can't get a babysitter for the kids. Taking them to the viewing is one thing, but I know they will not sit through the service. Honestly, I would rather not take them to the viewing at all, but my husband thinks they will be ok. I know Brandt and Valerie are too young to know what's going on, but Tyler is old enough to ask painful questions that I'm sure Jasmine and her daughter will not appreciate. How do you explain death to a 5 year old, anyway?

This week has just not been the greatest week and I am ready for it to be over with.

To end on a good note, I'm attaching a picture of me and Valerie. She is my snuggly baby girl and I just love it when I'm holding her and she snuggles in as close as she possibly can. Same goes for my sons. I love their snuggles.

Comments for this Journal Entry

	Comment from pbc910 » Posted Dec. 4, 2015 9:03am I am right there with you! Things were getting easier but handling 2 babies alone is hard. Even with my husband helping at night, it's difficult because we have very fussy ones and when they cry, I cry. I feel like a horrible mom because I lose my patience so easily with them. I've also only managed to pump once a day. I can't even get them to nurse because they don't get much. But it will pass, I hope then all this stress will be a distant memory, right?!
	Comment from tmhess » Posted Dec. 3, 2015 8:23am I think that trying to pump and feeding with formula is VERY stressful. I would feed Mackenzie and then after I got her fed and happy I would have to go pump. I would barely get anything and then before I knew it, it was time to feed her again. I think that trying to do both with a brand new baby when you are already sleep deprived is what made my baby blues worse. Once I accepted that I wouldn't be able to breast feed her, I felt so much better and less stressed. All that matters is that she is eating, gaining weight/growing, and happy. :) I just wanted to add to the other ladies and say that a lot of us can't breastfeed 100%, but it is ok and it does get better! :)
	Comment from Kitten90 » Posted Dec. 3, 2015 8:14am I'm having the same sleep issue with my 1 year old. She is clearly tired but refusing to sleep and just screaming bloody murder for an hour or two. The night before last night we also started letting her cry it out. 10 minutes at a time. It is so tough. I'm hoping we can get through this before Rowan is born but I don't think we will be. I have been getting so upset the past couple nights because we can't calm her down that it literally makes me ill and I've been crying myself to sleep right along with her. Last night before bed time she had the worst tantrum I've ever seen. She did the pallid breath holding, which is where their face turns white like they are in shock. She cries inward (if that makes sense to you... like, she just keeps inhaling and not exhaling) and throws her head back, and last night she fell backwards and her eyes started rolling back but I picked her up and then she started crying out again and was fine.
	Comment from MalPal85 » Posted Dec. 2, 2015 6:49pm Sorry your haVing a rough week but I'm glad everyone is healthy. I tell myself everyday that I'm not going to worry about breadtfeeding. If I can't do it then owell. It is what it is. I hope that thought process works once he comes. I can't wait to snuggle my little man! Hope you have a better week!
	Comment from Amanda_McDaniel » Posted Dec. 2, 2015 2:58pm Girl, it sounds like the universe has an eye on you this week. Don't be too hard on yourself; a lot of us have fallen short (my milk supply dried up without pain or word before Bash was three months old and he would cry for hours on end when he had acid reflux to the point I'd call my husband crying and threatening him). If you just keep doing your best, that's what is going to mean the most to your children's development. Frankly, you're my hero. I made us wait five years for our second child because I knew I would crack under the strain of two at home all day... I'm sorry about the loss of your friend. My heart goes out to you and your family.
	Comment from ericalee » Posted Dec. 2, 2015 2:36pm I struggled with majorly low supply, even when I was doing everything I could. It triggered very intense mommy guilt about not being able to do something "so natural". Don't beat yourself up about it. You need to do what is best for you and your baby and that may be throwing in the towel. I'm not exactly sure where you are located, but I think every state in the US has a facebook page for Human Milk for Human Babies, which is a milksharing site where moms that produce too much offer it up at no cost (other than bm bags in exchange) and moms in need post requests. I have used this multiple times and it was a saving grace. Just in case being able to use donor breastmilk might help you feel better. Also... it sounds like you have A LOT going on. You deserve a huge hug and pat on the back. "This too shall pass" -- something my mom will always tell me when I am going through difficult times. **hugs**
	Comment from Cattsmeow » Posted Dec. 2, 2015 2:25pm Thanks ladies. Typing it all out helped a little bit, but I am still frustrated/stressed/depressed to the point of tears. I'll probably have myself a good cry in the shower later this evening. That usually helps. And Summer, I am cracking up at your last comment. Thanks for the laugh.
	Comment from Starmama14 » Posted Dec. 2, 2015 1:53pm Aww...I wish I lived close enough where I could come and help! As Summer said, we all have those rough times and I am sure they will get better soon. Do NOT beat yourself up over the whole breastfeeding thing - formula is perfectly fine and if that's what you need to do to help, then do it! Valerie will be just fine! Ugh...and don't feel bad my 15 month old has been going through the same thing your 16 month old has. It is tough and I can't imagine dealing with that and a newborn. You are one tough mama. Things WILL get better...I promise! *hugs*