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Category: Relationships During Pregnancy

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Q: Not Happy With My Marriage. What Do I Do?

My husband and I got married in September after a two year engagement. I knew from the start that I didn't love him enough but I told myself I was being stupid. He's a wonderful man. Very sweet. Very loving. I'm not good enough for him. Shortly after we were married we started trying for a baby. I kept telling myself that I did love him, I was just in a funk. So what if I didn't feel a spark? He's a great man. He'll be a great father and companion. I won't find better.That's what I told myself. I know it was wrong. There is no reason for me not to love him. He is in all respects, the perfect husband. I just know I'm not in love with him. I am almost 16 weeks pregnant and I can't stand the thought of living like this forever. I also feel like if I leave now he'll think all I wanted was a baby. I know this isn't just hormones as most of you will say, I've felt this way for a long time. What do I do? I feel like the worst person in the world for not wanting this man. I wish I loved him.

This question was asked Mar. 4, 2013 3:07am
Category: Relationships During Pregnancy

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Answers (20)

Answered by edwina2021 - Mar. 4, 2013 4:17pm

I really cant believe some people are being rude to you about this. I am married my husband and thought we were in love. I do love him, he is the father of my child but the way we argue and do thing.... not good for anyone. It doesnt mix well. I told my husband how i felt. How ithere is no spark but love for everything he has helped me with and the father of our child. He understands and we are thinking of what to do. We can seprate and go about our lives and still have a good relationship for our baby. And we married 2 weeks afer meeting and I moved in after that. And the funny thing is he knew before we got married that we werent in love love for each other. We just thought of it the old days. But thats ok. We both talked about it. Its hard tell him but i did. You should it could go pretty good. You never know till you try.

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Answered by bubica - Mar. 4, 2013 4:08pm

no one can answer this question but you ...
It is your choice and your life

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Answered by BGGirl - Mar. 4, 2013 3:41pm

Okay.. I don't think it is okay for people to sit behind their anon computers and pass judgment on someone that they know very little about. You asked for advice/help not people's personal opinions as if they have never made some bad choices in life....

That said, you do have a tough decision on your hands. While going through with the marriage when you were that unsure may not have been the best choice- it is done and now must be dealt with.. first of all being very honest with your husband is really the only fair thing for him. However you can then decide together that you would like to work on it TOGETHER to see if you can figure out what is keeping your feelings the way you want to with a therapist or family counselor, or you can decide together to part ways and make the best friendship/relationship that you can for the sake of the child. Either way is going to be a lot of work on both your parts. But nothing worth doing is ever easy. Good luck.

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Answered by a member - Mar. 4, 2013 2:33pm

(cont'd) and at the very least tell him what you are feeling/dealing with. If he's as loving as you say, it sounds like he will try to work with you to make things better/right. If you tell him that you are going to seek counseling to deal with and sort your real feelings, I would think he would be supportive. Good luck, I hope you make the decision that is best for your baby.

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Answered by a member - Mar. 4, 2013 2:31pm

I think it took a lot of guts to post something this controversial on here, and I'm sad that people have passed judgement on you and been harsh in their responses. I am going to keep my opinions to myself as best I can, but I think two things may be an issue (without knowing the history of your relationship with him.) One, it seems like you are possibly depressed. Have you looked at counseling or maybe taking an anti-depressant that is safe for pregnancy? The reason I ask is because you say things like "I don't deserve him." The other thing that I think is a factor is the pregnancy itself. Emotions can get out of control during pregnancy, and you may just be reacting to that, and not truly feeling like you don't love him. If you've already struggled with depression, pregnancy might escalate that... Obvoiously that is my perspective, but it sounds to me like you need to seek help from either a therapist or a doc regarding your feelings. That aside, I would talk to him.

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Answered by nesssicle - Mar. 4, 2013 2:24pm

(Im not sure why people are so ashamed of their answers that they feel the need to respond "privately"!)

I think its a horrible thing that you did. This poor wonderful man (as you say) got taken for a ride for gosh knows how long. I'm not sure how people can just sit there unhappily and still let things progress in such a way. It was an extremely selfish thing to do, and now there is a baby involved which makes it even worse.

I believe that you have one life, and you weren't meant to spent it miserably. If you're that unhappy, than you need to leave the marriage. Give that man a chance at being happy with someone that actually will love him and want to be with him. Same goes for you, give yourself a chance to be happy and to find actual love too.

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Answered by a member - Mar. 4, 2013 1:43pm

Wow....you actually were selfish enough to marry him? What....did you just want a wedding....to say you are married? How awful.....you have a wonderful husband and obviously got pregnant quickly after starting to try. Lucky you. Most women dont have either of those.

You ruined your life and his....and you went through with trying to have a baby even though you dont love your hhusband? Not only are you utterly selfish in regards to this man....but now your childs father. Why would you have done such a thing to a wonderful man and now a defenseless child who didnt ask for this kind of home to grow up in?

Sucks to be you.

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Answered by a member - Mar. 4, 2013 1:24pm

I did same thing with my first husband. I thought I'd eventually love him like he loved me but it never happened. I wanted to be married and have a family and he loved me and I thought my feelings would change. I lived 5 years not miserable but not happy. Being pregnant definitely makes things more complicated. I think you should sit down and figure out what you want. Divorce I'd hard for kids but so seeing a bad marriage isn't healthy either. you are not a horrible person people make mistakes.

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Answered by a member - Mar. 4, 2013 12:59pm

to be perfectly honest, you are one of the worst people in the world, but not the absolute worst. You need to talk to him and tell him the TRUTH.....he deserves that much seeing as you have been lying to him and yourself for so many years. After you tell him the truth about how you have been feeling for the last few years and not just when you got pregnant you can discuss what you will do next like grown ups. Maybe if you guys talked more and were more communicative this would not have happened in the first place.....he deserves better....your child deserves better....and you need to start thinking of others more than just yourself. This was a selfish choice and you need to own up to it and just tell him the truth.

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Answered by a member - Mar. 4, 2013 12:03pm

This is a very difficult situation and I know it will not be very easy for you. I hope everyone will be respectful with their answers.

I will try to look at advising your future and not at all nit pick your past choices (that's not my place!).

If you feel like you need to leave, then you need to leave. You only have one life and being with someone you don't love simply won't work. And honestly, your husband deserves to be with someone who loves him. It will not be easy because you are pregnant. Breaking up is hard, but add an unborn child and it gets very, very sticky.

This is only my advice, I am no expert in the matter. I hope the best for you, your husband, and most of all your child.

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