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Category: Relationships During Pregnancy

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Q: Not Happy With My Marriage. What Do I Do?

My husband and I got married in September after a two year engagement. I knew from the start that I didn't love him enough but I told myself I was being stupid. He's a wonderful man. Very sweet. Very loving. I'm not good enough for him. Shortly after we were married we started trying for a baby. I kept telling myself that I did love him, I was just in a funk. So what if I didn't feel a spark? He's a great man. He'll be a great father and companion. I won't find better.That's what I told myself. I know it was wrong. There is no reason for me not to love him. He is in all respects, the perfect husband. I just know I'm not in love with him. I am almost 16 weeks pregnant and I can't stand the thought of living like this forever. I also feel like if I leave now he'll think all I wanted was a baby. I know this isn't just hormones as most of you will say, I've felt this way for a long time. What do I do? I feel like the worst person in the world for not wanting this man. I wish I loved him.

This question was asked Mar. 4, 2013 3:07am
Category: Relationships During Pregnancy

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Answers (20)

Answered by nesssicle - Mar. 4, 2013 2:24pm

(Im not sure why people are so ashamed of their answers that they feel the need to respond "privately"!)

I think its a horrible thing that you did. This poor wonderful man (as you say) got taken for a ride for gosh knows how long. I'm not sure how people can just sit there unhappily and still let things progress in such a way. It was an extremely selfish thing to do, and now there is a baby involved which makes it even worse.

I believe that you have one life, and you weren't meant to spent it miserably. If you're that unhappy, than you need to leave the marriage. Give that man a chance at being happy with someone that actually will love him and want to be with him. Same goes for you, give yourself a chance to be happy and to find actual love too.

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Answered by a member - Mar. 4, 2013 12:03pm

This is a very difficult situation and I know it will not be very easy for you. I hope everyone will be respectful with their answers.

I will try to look at advising your future and not at all nit pick your past choices (that's not my place!).

If you feel like you need to leave, then you need to leave. You only have one life and being with someone you don't love simply won't work. And honestly, your husband deserves to be with someone who loves him. It will not be easy because you are pregnant. Breaking up is hard, but add an unborn child and it gets very, very sticky.

This is only my advice, I am no expert in the matter. I hope the best for you, your husband, and most of all your child.

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Answered by Charlotte17 - Mar. 4, 2013 8:10pm

To those who posted condescending messages, I think it's cowardly and immature to judge others, especially anonymously. The poster asked for advice, not your response to her past decisions. No one here has the right to judge her. We've all made mistakes and it's pointless to make her feel bad about a decision she already made. All she can do now is try to do the right thing moving forward.

Personally I don't think it would be wise to make a life-changing decision about your marriage while pregnant. I'd focus on the pregnancy and then reevaluate after the baby is born and your hormones/emotions stabilize. I'm not saying your feelings will change after the baby is born, but I think the decision to end a marriage should be made when you're not dealing with roller coaster hormones. If it were me, I'd wait until after the baby is born and then talk to my husband about my feelings and try some kind of counseling before deciding on divorce. But again, that's just my opinion.

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Answered by edwina2021 - Mar. 4, 2013 4:17pm

I really cant believe some people are being rude to you about this. I am married my husband and thought we were in love. I do love him, he is the father of my child but the way we argue and do thing.... not good for anyone. It doesnt mix well. I told my husband how i felt. How ithere is no spark but love for everything he has helped me with and the father of our child. He understands and we are thinking of what to do. We can seprate and go about our lives and still have a good relationship for our baby. And we married 2 weeks afer meeting and I moved in after that. And the funny thing is he knew before we got married that we werent in love love for each other. We just thought of it the old days. But thats ok. We both talked about it. Its hard tell him but i did. You should it could go pretty good. You never know till you try.

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Answered by BGGirl - Mar. 5, 2013 4:07am

That sounds like a definite step in the right direction! I wish you all the best and hope that it works out for you! Good luck!

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Answered by a member - Mar. 4, 2013 1:43pm

Wow....you actually were selfish enough to marry him? What....did you just want a wedding....to say you are married? How awful.....you have a wonderful husband and obviously got pregnant quickly after starting to try. Lucky you. Most women dont have either of those.

You ruined your life and his....and you went through with trying to have a baby even though you dont love your hhusband? Not only are you utterly selfish in regards to this man....but now your childs father. Why would you have done such a thing to a wonderful man and now a defenseless child who didnt ask for this kind of home to grow up in?

Sucks to be you.

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Answered by nikkiblueeyes - Mar. 4, 2013 8:32pm

To those anon aka keyboard warriors being nasty to this lady who do you think you are? She diddnt come here for abuse she came her for help you probably dont know how hard posting this probably was for her, she feels bad enough as it is no need to be so rude! and shes not the worst person in the world.

I do think you need to be honest with your husband but i would definitely see a therepist maybe even on your own first so you can discuss your feelings honestly and openly before you make any decisions that your not 100% sure about and being pregnant will definatly escalate these feelings.
I really feel for you and ignore the bad comments, your not a bad person. Good luck and i hope you sort everything out and do the right thing for you all xx

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Answered by a member - Mar. 5, 2013 2:10am

Hi, i'm the poster. I spoke to my husband last night. I told him I was unhappy and that I didn't know why. edwina2021, I told my husband the same thing you told yours. That he is a great person and my best friend, but there isn't a spark. We talked for a long time and we both are going to try to fix this. As I've said, he is a very caring person and I am lucky to have him. I just need to find out why I am not as deeply in love with him as I should be. I love him as a friend, I love him for giving me this child, but I told him I didn't feel as though I were romantically in love with him. I told him I was sorry I had agreed to try for a baby, knowing how I felt I should have spoken to him first. But we both said we WILL NOT regret our child, no matter what happens between us. We are going to try to make things work because we want it to be better. He has said that if it doesn't work we will still be friends. We will give our child a good life. Even if we aren't together as a couple.

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Answered by bubica - Mar. 4, 2013 4:08pm

no one can answer this question but you ...
It is your choice and your life

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Answered by a member - Mar. 4, 2013 2:31pm

I think it took a lot of guts to post something this controversial on here, and I'm sad that people have passed judgement on you and been harsh in their responses. I am going to keep my opinions to myself as best I can, but I think two things may be an issue (without knowing the history of your relationship with him.) One, it seems like you are possibly depressed. Have you looked at counseling or maybe taking an anti-depressant that is safe for pregnancy? The reason I ask is because you say things like "I don't deserve him." The other thing that I think is a factor is the pregnancy itself. Emotions can get out of control during pregnancy, and you may just be reacting to that, and not truly feeling like you don't love him. If you've already struggled with depression, pregnancy might escalate that... Obvoiously that is my perspective, but it sounds to me like you need to seek help from either a therapist or a doc regarding your feelings. That aside, I would talk to him.

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